Craig's Pick Up Line Jokes Page (1 of 1)

Pick-Up Line Humour

1. I recently came across an interesting statistic:
   Men who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 71%
   Women who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 100%
2. He: I'm a really good cook!
   She: What do you cook best?
   He: Breakfast in bed! (grins)
3. What do you like for breakfast?
4. Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
5. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
6. Should I wake you in the morning?
7. You've got the smile I'd like to wake up to.
8. There are just two things I'd like to say to you, "good night" and "good morning".
9. Let me be your coffee in the morning, your candy at noon, and your cool creamy dessert in the evening.
10. Would you like to watch the sunrise together?
11. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put u and I together.
12. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put u between f and ck.
13. I saw your picture in the dictionary today...next to the word 'beautiful'.
14. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included.
15. What's your sign?
16. The best part of me is covered up. (If wearing swim trunks, a bikini, or a skimpy outfit)
17. Is your daddy a thief?
    No.
    Then who stole those diamonds and put them in your eyes?
18. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
19. Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most pulchritudinous orbs?
20. Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
21. If you got those eyes from your mother, I know why your dad married her.
22. You know, you're very easy on the eyes.
23. You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection.
24. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
25. (At an engineering school luncheon)
    He: Your eyes are emitting magnetic fields.
    She: Oh, and how do magnetic fields feel?
    He: Attractive...
26. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
27. Are those fuck-me eyes, or fuck-you eyes?
28. Ya know, that wine really brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.
29. No wonder the sky is so gray today, all the blue is in your eyes.
30. Where did you get your freckles from?
31. Where *else* do you have freckles?
32. Your father must have been a bricklayer, because you sure are built with a great foundation.
33. Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) and says:
    How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?
34. Do I know you from somewhere? Or is it just that you have your clothes on?
35. Excuse me, but don't you recognize me with clothes on?
36. Here's your chance to get to know me.
37. Don't you know me from somewhere?
38. You don't know me, but you'd really like to.
39. Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible".
40. Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
41. She: I really enjoyed myself tonight.
    He: I enjoyed myself too. Maybe sometime we can let our bodies enjoy each other.
42. That dress would look awfully nice on my bedroom floor.
43. That miniskirt would look great crumpled up at the end of my bed.
44. That's a cute outfit. It would be even cuter wrinkled on my bedroom floor.
45. I think that shirt would look great on the carpet beside my bed.
46. That's a nice watch. It would look great on my nightstand.
47. If you happen to meet a girl while she is shopping for a new outfit: "Do you know what would look absolutely terrific on you? Me".
48. Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
49. Drop 'em.
50. Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
51. If we're not related, I'd like to be.
52. Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
53. Say, wasn't I blissfully married to you once?
54. Excuse me, but weren't you Shirley MacLaine in a past life?
55. Excuse me, but weren't we blissfully married in a past life?
56. I think I was your blanket/lace pantie/vibrator in a previous life.
57. Say, didn't we meet at Woodstock/college/the V.D. clinic?
58. Didn't I used to always pull on your ponytail in grammar school?
59. Wasn't it you who pinched me in the third grade?
60. Excuse me, didn't we spend a week in the Bahamas together?
61. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
62. Help, I'm lost. Which way is it to your house?
63. Hi, I'm new in town. Which way is it to your house?
64. Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
65. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
66. I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
    "Smile if you want to sleep with me."
    then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
    Or he had cards that said:
    "Here I am, madly in love with you, on the verge of killing myself for your love and I don't even know your NAME__________ PHONE________"
67. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
68. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
69. Were you just smiling at me from across the room, or do I have my contacts in wrong?
70. That's a nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you're wearing.
71. Is that your smile or did you pay for it?
72. At the office copy machine: "Reproducing, eh? Can I help?"
73. There's an aura about you that's hidden and I want to bring that aura out.
74. Said to someone who is working at a job (waiter/waitress, salesperson, etc.): "What time do you get off and how?"
75. What time do we get off together?
76. Said to someone who is working: "Those pants/jeans/skirt/dress seem to be working overtime. What time are they getting off?"
77. She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
    He: Do you have the energy?
78. Woman: Excuse me, do you have the time?
    Man: Do you have the place in mind?
79. Your place or mine?
80. Your place or the mens bathroom?
81. Your face or mine?
82. Do you want to come back to my place and pet my dog/cat?
83. Hi, I work as a raw meat inspector. Let's go to your place for an inspection.
84. So, howzabout the two of us going back to my place and you run your fingers through the hair on my back?
85. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
86. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
87. I'm leaving this place, want to cum?
88. My friends are leaving, but I'd love it if you gave me a reason to stay.
89. Let's go back to your place and make out all night like high school.
90. Your place or your place?
91. There's a fire back at my place. Would you like to go get warm?
92. Why don't I go up to your place and see you sometime?
93. I hear there is a Toga Party tonight. Hey baby, want to get into my sheet?
94. What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
95. If we were alone together, what would you do to entertain us?
96. Our chromosomes were meant to be together.
97. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?!?!!
98. Say mother! Want another? (if she has children)
99. Bond. James Bond.
100. The spy agency has sent me here to save you. Take my hand and come with me.
101. Gosh, you're pretty/handsome!!!
102. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
103. You have the ass of a great artist.
104. A friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and simply asked, "Are you ready to go home now?" She smiled a bit, stood up, and they left together.
105. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
106. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?
107. Wait until it gets near last call in a bar. Find the drunkest looking woman in the place, walk up to her, and say, "Okay, let's go home..."
108. Help the homeless. Take me home with you.
109. Do you need a ride home?
110. If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold *it* against me?
111. When asked for a match: "How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?"
112. My penis, your vagina.
113. Is this love on a two-way street...or is it a dead end?
114. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
115. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
116. Interested in a hot and steaming dish of conversation?
117. Do you know the difference between conversation and sex?
     No.
     Wanna go upstairs and talk?
118. What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
119. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
120. You are the only reason why I came in here alone.
121. Let's go lie down and talk about it.
122. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
123. If you're not doing anything with those supple lips of yours, how would you like to talk to me?
124. Do you know the difference between hamburgers and head jobs?
     No.
     Let's do lunch then!
125. So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just conversation?
126. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
127. I'd look good on you.
128. I would kill or die to make love to you.
129. I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
130. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
131. Hi! Can I buy you a car?
132. NOW, BITCH!
133. Oh, I'm doing fine! And you? (While looking at someone and waiting for them to say anything)
134. Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight?
135. Hi, I just moved to this city and was wondering if you could recommend a good restaurant here. Would you also like to join me?
136. My drink is getting lonely, so would you like to join me with one?
137. Can I taste your drink/dish? (Then lean over and kiss him or her.)
138. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
139. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
140. I am not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
141. Would you like someone to mix with your drink?
142. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?
143. I'd love to buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the glass.
144. If I drink one of these, I may forget how to get back to the monastery.
145. Feel free to buy me a drink anytime.
146. Fancy a fuck?
147. My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
148. Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
149. It's always good for you to see me again.
150. He: Have you ever had one of those fantasies where Greek gods feed you these little pickles?
     She: No.
     He: Well, I'll have to show you what one is like, but it will be only one Greek god (point to yourself, then look down at your crotch) and I won't be feeding you little pickles.
151. I hate you...are you here with your friends?
152. On the same note, one of my favorites (that I've never had the guts to try) is to walk up to a girl, put your hands on her shoulders, and say, "I'd like to get something straight between us." and then look at your (you know)......
153. Wanna Dance?
     No!
     Wanna Drink?
     No!
     Wanna Fuck?
     Yes (pause) but not with you
154. So, do you wanna see something really swell?
155. That girl/guy I'm with, oh, she's/he's just my sister/brother.
156. One of the worst pickup lines ever (most probably will get you slapped): "I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?"
157. Another line that doesn't work: "Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick."
158. For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
159. Do you take it up the bum? (This also does not work and can be painful)
160. Is that a double-ended dildo or are you just glad to see me?
161. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
162. Are we in the frozen food section, or are you just happy to see me?
163. No, that's not a banana.
164. If I gave you a negligee for your birthday, would there be anything in it for me?
165. He: Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you?
     She: Uh...no....
     He: Well, do you want some?
166. What would you do if I kissed you right now?
167. Can I please be your slave tonight?
168. You should be someone's wife.
169. I have a single.
170. Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
171. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
172. Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers? (holding up any two)
     Obvious reply: No, why?
     Because they're mine.
173. Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?
174. Are you incredibly beautiful, or is it just my chemotherapy?
175. You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel.
176. If beauty were a crime, you'd be doin' life.
177. If beauty were music, you'd be a symphony.
178. You must be lost, because I have never seen anyone so beautiful/gorgeous in this place before.
179. You are just truly absolutely beautiful! Can you cook and clean also?
180. Is it really bright in here, or am I being blinded by your radiant beauty?
181. I never pass up an opportunity to say hello to a beautiful woman.
182. You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow.
183. You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken beer bottles just to sniff the tire tracks of the laundry truck that takes your panties to the cleaners.
184. I'd drag my balls through a mile of broken glass, followed by a mile of hot coals, just to chase a laundry truck that MIGHT have your dirty underwear on board.
185. I'd drag my balls through a mile of barbed wire just to hear you fart over a field telephone. (from the Vietnam era)
186. I'd drag my balls through a mile of broken beer bottles and thumbtacks just to to suck the cock that screwed you last.
187. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
188. Your voice is music to my ears.
189. I saw you play in the band, I'm quite adept with a G string myself!
190. I play in a local band. I can play the G string very well!
191. What can I do to make you sleep with me?
192. What can I do to make you mine?
193. Want to come into the garden see my big juicy tomatoes? (female version)
194. Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers? (male version)
195. Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
196. Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
197. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
198. Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
199. Is that a false nose?
200. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
201. I'm drunk.
202. Hi, my friends call me Creepy.
203. Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?
204. I just threw up.
205. You're ugly but you intrigue me.
206. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.
207. Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Congressional Medal of Honor?
208. Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
209. He: Would you sleep with me for 20 million dollars?
     She (sheepishly): Yes.
     He: Well then, would you sleep with me for 20 cents?
     She: No, what kind of woman do you think I am?
     He: We've established what kind of woman that you are, we're just haggling over the price.
210. Take an icecube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?
211. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
212. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew.
213. You know, I've *always* wanted to sleep with you.
214. Do you sleep on your stomach?
     No.
     Can I?
215. Haven't I slept with you?
216. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
217. If you spot a girl waiting in a restaurant/theater/club for someone, go up to her and say... "If he doesn't show up, I'll be right over here."
218. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
219. You could use some more protein in your diet. Wanna try out some of my fine meat?
220. If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
221. I bet you've caused a lot of bar brawls.
222. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your willy, and say: "Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize?"
223. I require a tissue sample. May I sever a little-used portion of your body? (brandish forceps)
224. Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation? (Think about it...)
225. Hey baby...infect me!
226. Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?
227. Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
228. Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
229. Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
230. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished.
231. Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough, you would come."
232. "Do you always come when someone fingers you?"
233. "If I can make you come with one finger, just think what I could do with the rest."
234. There's something about you that I like. I just can't put my finger on it.
235. Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
236. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime...
237. God must have been in a very good mood the day we met.
238. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
239. Be unique and different, say yes.
240. Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate side-effects: beware!)
241. If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
242. You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?
243. Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.
244. I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
245. It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.
246. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
247. Would you like to be in movies?
248. Perhaps you recognize me from one of the popular adult movies I was in.
249. Gosh, I loved your movie!
250. May I have your autograph?
251. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
252. Would you like to see a baby picture of me? (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
253. Let's give our genes a chance to become congenial.
254. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
255. Do you want to go halves on a baby?
256. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
257. Hi, I'm taking a survey. Do you spit or swallow?
258. Is it just me, or does everyone here seem to have a pick-up line?
259. Is it me or are we the only two in here not trying to score?
260. You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book... So what's one more??
261. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
262. Hypothetically, what pickup lines are effective with a person like you?
263. You make me so nervous and flustered, I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line.
264. I'm not picking you up. I've picked you out.
265. What would it take for a guy like me to go out with a girl like you?
266. Hey babe, did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?
267. Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose.
     What?
     (reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP.
     (If she laughs, she's yours; if she looks at you funny, apologize.)
268. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
269. Follow these instructions:
     1: Make sure that you are in the front of the person you're trying to attract.
     2: Put your hands in a vertical plane and separate your hands to the proper distance you want to get across.
     3: Look at the person of your affections and with a ear-to-ear grin, shake your head up and down as to reply that you're this big!
270. Whatever you do, don't ever cut that silky hair of yours!
271. There's the old classic from the movie "Fletch" (to girl in towel): "Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."
272. I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
273. Excuse me, can I borrow your bra?
274. She: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
     He: I like nothing better.
275. I want to bear all your children. (to a woman)
276. I wonder what our children will look like.
277. Would you be offended if I asked you to swallow my children?
278. That's a nice dress/pants. Can I talk you out of it?
279. I bet there's a whole lot of woman under that dress.
280. I bet there's a whole lot of man in those pants.
281. Take off that dress and fuck my brains out, you cave newt.
282. If a woman's wearing all red: "I see you have your devil's suit on tonight."
283. Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards means 'letom'?
284. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
285. Let's take a shower together, you smell.
286. Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
287. You smell wet. Let's party.
288. There's a party in the back of your mouth and I want to come.
289. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
290. You smell delicious!
291. May I end this sentence with a proposition?
292. I've got an itch, honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out.
293. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
294. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch!
295. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
296. I'm available for the next hour or two.
297. Want to see my stamp collection?
298. Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.
299. At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pick up the bread and say, "Wanna roll?"
300. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
301. Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!
302. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
303. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? (sure to get responses)
304. Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
305. Cold outside, isn't it? (staring at breasts)
306. Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
307. Your legs look cold. Do you want me to warm them up?
308. Do you want to get sticky?
309. Actually, ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and ah'm sittin' on mah wallet.
310. Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
311. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your measurements?
312. I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
313. Stare at a guy/girl for a long time, and when he/she notices for the second or third time, go up to him/her and say... "I'm sorry for staring at you, but you look very much like someone I used to date."
314. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
315. Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face for my dreams.
316. Excuse me for staring at you, but I just love the view.
317. Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. Example: after "accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc., say, "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened."
318. Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
319. I want you. Let's get out of here.
320. Are you busy the rest of the month?
321. Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?
322. The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar: "May I push in your stool?"
323. I have only three months to live.
324. I'm filthy rich and have only six weeks to live. Will you help me make these next few weeks the happiest days of my life?
325. Love is like a rug. So you can walk all over me and lie on me.
326. Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
     No.
     Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
327. Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear.
328. You aren't wearing underwear, are you?
329. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
330. I'm a co-pilot for American Airlines.
331. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
332. Excuse me, do you have change for a $100 bill?
333. When is our wedding date?
334. Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
335. Will you marry me for just one night?
336. He: What was that?
     She: What was what?
     He: That sound.
     She: I didn't hear anything.
     He: It was the sound of my heart breaking.
337. Excuse me, can you give me directions?
     To where?
     To your heart.
338. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
339. I can raise your blood pressure.
340. I'm an organ donor, need anything?
341. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
342. Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice that you have a very sexy overbite.
343. Weren't you a woman the last time we met?
344. Do you have room in your life for a new friend?
345. Excuse me, do you think we might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us.
346. The only reason that I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor.
347. Hey baby, I want to lick your thighs.
348. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
349. Gorgeous hair. But it'd be even better brushing against my thighs.
350. Approach a girl and say, "Do you like jewels." Then lob your dick out and say, "Suck this, it's a gem!
351. Do you like pork? Suck this, it's dripping!"
352. What nice legs you've got. I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt, or neck tie if you prefer.
353. Just where do those legs of yours end?
354. Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all day?
355. Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
356. I'd gladly give up my celibacy/virginity to be with you.
357. I know there are thousands of perfect guys out there in the world, but only three of us don't watch football.
358. Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell out of here.
359. What is a classy place like this doing around a girl like you?
360. As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.
361. Female to guy: Hi, you look like a real wanker. (pause for effect)
     The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a "wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end, they are trying to pick *you* up! A snake charmer!
362. Want a break tonight?
363. You're the spitting image of my dead girlfriend.
364. My leech would like you as a new host.
365. I think my medication is wearing off.
366. You MUST have a nice personality.
367. Does my breath smell okay?
368. Pull my finger.
369. He: You look like my third wife.
     She: Oh, how many time have you been married?
     He: Twice.
370. Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?
371. Hi, my name's Dave. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!
372. Guy: What's your name?
     Girl: Danielle
     Guy: Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.
373. My name is Jeffrey Dahmer and you would make a fine dessert.
374. Italian girl: My name is Tomassina. Call me Tom for short.
     He: Right. Call me Huck.
375. My name is Jeffrey, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me.
376. Hello, my name is Grimm. Fancy a bed-side story?
377. My name is Steve, but you can call me tonight.
378. Hi, my friend wants to know what your name is.
379. Perhaps use this line at a business dinner on someone whom you've been eyeing since this afternoon at the business meetings... "Let's talk about 'early retirement.'
380. If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater (or body lotion).
381. I'd love to be a bar of soap in your shower.
382. I'd love to be the sod under your feet.
383. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
384. I love every muscle in your body. Especially mine!
385. There is much more here than what meets the eye.
386. You are the reason men fall in love.
387. I was, am, and will forever be crazy about you.
388. I bet I could guess your weight if you sat on my face.
389. Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.
390. Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better!
391. Ohhh, what a man...I bet you do real well with the ladies.
392. Nothing like a man who knows how to whisper sweet "nothings".
393. I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
394. You're so sweet, you're gonna put sugar out of business.
395. You're so sweet, you're giving me a toothache.
396. How much do you weigh, Debbie? C'mere, pull up a seat!
397. Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
398. Got a soggy bun for a lonely weenie?
399. Hey, come here often? You could, with me.
400. You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women (or men) look really bad.
401. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
402. Spoken with a fake foreign accent:, "Hi, I'm new to this country and you are the prettiest sight I've see so far. Can you give me a tour of your body?"
403. How about a pizza and a fuck? Hey!!! Don't you like pizza?
404. Want to go get a pizza and then screw?
405. He: Hey! How about we go to my house, have some pizza, beer, and a fuck?
     She: (grimaces)
     He: What's the matter? Don't like pizza?
406. He: Hi, what's the color of your hair?
     She: (tells him)
     He: And the hair on your head?
407. He: Excuse me, want to dance?
     She: No.
     He: Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look really fat in those pants!
408. Gee...you sure don't perspire much!
409. I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my cologne?
410. I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my deodorant?
411. You're the one I've been saving this drink/seat/ticket to Hawaii/whatever for.
412. Are you the one?
413. Is your dad a baker?
     No.
     If not, where did you get those buns?
414. Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
415. Oh excuse me! I thought you were a moose.
416. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
417. Mmmm, this [food item] is delicious...but nothing would ever taste as good as you look...or as you taste.
418. This menu looks good, but you're the most delicious thing here.
419. Do you always eat like that?
420. My god, Darwin was right! You have got the fittest body I've ever seen!
421. Your body is like a haiku in motion.
422. The better the batter, the better the butter.
423. You know, I'm not just an interesting person, I have a nice body, too.
424. What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??
425. Hi, are those really yours?
426. Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
427. Look at the tag on the back of a girl's shirt. When she turns around, say, "Just checking to see if you were made in heaven."
428. What time do you have to be back in heaven?
429. So...what part of heaven are you from?
430. I must be in heaven, because you're an angel.
431. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
432. A man approached me at a bar and asked me if my feet hurt. I looked at him strangely and said, "No, why." He replied, "because you are obviously an angel who has just descended onto this earth and you are used to flying, and not walking"
433. I'd like to know the ingredients in the recipe that cooked you up...after I've had a good taste of you, of course.
434. What screws like a tiger and winks? (follow it up with a wink)
435. Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to fuck me, don't you?
436. Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
437. Fuck me if I am wrong, but your name is Gertrude right?
438. Fuck me if I am wrong, but you look like you want to kiss me.
439. I've got a pimple on my butt, wanna see it?
440. You make my softwear turn to hardwear!
441. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
442. He: 'Ello Darlin', fancy a fuck?
     She: No!
     He: Do you mind lying down while I do?
443. I would say that I'm in love with you, but you'd think I'm trying to pull a fast one.
444. Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
445. Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall...I'm sitting on my wallet."
446. May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
447. I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.
448. He: You're gorgeous. I'd really love to invite you out sometime.
     She: No, thanks.
     She: Aw, c'mon! Lower you're standards a little. *I* did...
     Gal: [SLAP!]
     He: I guess a blow job is out of the question, then?
449. Always take a screw with you and put it in your pocket. Then, when a girl comes up to you, offer her the screw and say, "Wanna screw?"
450. Guy walks up to a girl in bar, slides his arm around her. She looks at him as he says, "Hi Kate." She says, "I'm not Kate." His hand slips lower as he says, "But you sure feel like her."
451. Hey baby are you wearing your space underwear tonight? Because your ass is out of this world!
452. I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?
453. You look familiar. Aren't you that girl that keeps appearing in my dreams?
454. So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!
455. What's your name, so I'll know who I'll be dreaming about tonight?
456. Excuse me, do you have a quarter I can borrow?
     What for?
     I told my mother that I would call her when I fell in love with the girl of my dreams!
457. I want to call your mother and thank her for having such a gorgeous child!
458. Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow, she's putting me up for adoption.
459. You know, my mother says you have the smoothest complexion of anyone she knows.
460. You look just like my mother.
461. Ya know, my mother would just *love* you if I brought you to my place tonight and then to her place tomorrow.
462. You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
463. Looking at you makes my hospital beeper start to vibrate.
464. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
465. Boy, it sure is hot and stuffy in here. Would you like to take a cold shower?
466. You are hot stuff!
467. Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
468. Is there a fire in here or we just standing too close together?
469. Was that you, or did the earth just move?
470. Is it cold outside, or are you just smuggling tic-tacs?
471. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
472. You're so hot you give me the chills.
473. You're hotter than Georgia asphalt on a summer day in hell!
474. It's not the heat outside, it's not the humidity, it's you!
475. Ya know, you look really *hot*! You must be real reason for global warming.
476. So, what do you do for a living besides always making all the men/women excited and warm all over?
477. You remind me of bacon, the way you sizzle.
478. Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue/G.Q.?
479. Didn't I see you in the latest beauty pageant?
480. So how many years in a row were you the beauty queen?
481. So, how will I ever get to see you again?
482. Is is possible that me might see each other again soon?
483. Grab them in the rump and ask, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"
484. I'm no good at opening lines so why don't we pretend we know each other.
485. Hi. Do you come here often? (Say it to a waitress that you find attractive.)
486. Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
     No, why?
     Because I can sure see myself in your pants!
487. Did you clean your pants with Windex?
     No, why?
     I can practically see myself in them.
488. Was your father a welder?
     No, why?
     Because those sure are acetylene tits!
489. Was you father an alien?
     No, why?
     Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
490. Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting out of them?
491. Excuse me, but I couldn't help wondering...how does one get into pants so tight?
492. I was walking down a street and a man stopped his car and said, "I think you would look especially beautiful with your eyes closed (dramatic pause) in my bed"
493. Once someone said to me, "You have such beautiful long blonde hair, it would look lovely spread across my pillow."
494. Do you know that your hair and my pillow are perfectly color-coordinated?
495. I've been noticing you not noticing me.
496. Did I just notice you checking me out, or did my ego flare up again?
497. Are you cold? You should be; you've been naked in my mind all night.
498. That's enough of undressing me with your eyes. Let's get out of here.
499. Ever played leap frog naked?
500. Would you like to see me naked?
501. Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked.
502. If you think that's funny, you should see me naked.
503. Nice day for weather.
504. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
505. Have you ever eaten out at a buffet? How about you lie down on the table and let me show you how.
506. Can I flirt with you?
507. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
508. It must be cold where you're standing, but it's 98.6 right over here.
509. I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.
510. So... How am I doin'?
511. (Tap your thigh) You just think this is my leg.
512. I Like the look of your crotch.
513. I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
514. I've got a condom with your name on it.
515. Hi, I'm a tawdry slut looking for a good time.
516. Can you believe it? It's been more than fifteen minutes since I've had sex.
517. My friend and I made a bet and I need to check if those are implants.
518. I know a charming little motel with a cheap hourly rate.
519. I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you.
520. Erections like these don't grow on trees you know.
521. You know, doggy-style isn't passe anymore.
522. Heard while on spring break: "You know, I'd fuck you so hard you'd learn from it."
523. Another spring break try: "Hypothetically speaking, if I were to fuck you, would you let me?"
524. Say, I hear chicks dig lava lamps...
525. She: What do you do for a living?
     He: I'm a starving artist and I want to eat you.
526. A: You are a real social butterfly.
     B: Huh. More like, a caterpillar.
     A: Well, wanna get to the fertility stage?
527. You are the proof that God has a sense of humor.
528. You're what God was thinking of when He said, "Let there be woman."
529. I'll make you see God tonight!
530. I'm a math major. What's your cosine?
531. Me: So...what do you study?
     She: Genetics. Breeding different animals and such.
     Me: Like, humans and chimpanzees?
     She: Yes (Cozying up to another guy) Bobby here was my first subject.
     Me: I see. So...who is the human and who is the chimpanzee?
532. She: You look sharp
     Me: Justifiably so. When arriving at the altar of the goddess, one needs to be in his best attire.
533. What do you do for a living, and how can I be of help?
534. I am playing with your mind like you have been playing with my hormones.
535. I bet I can tell you what's on my mind.
536. While submerging a lit cigarette lighter inside his mouth, approach an exquisite young lady with the following: Guess for whom this fire inside me burns?
537. I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realised I'd rather be holding you.
538. Can I light your fire, I mean cigarette?
539. Yo. You'll do.
540. She: Where are you from?
     He: Mars, for all practical purposes. I gather you must come from Venus.
     She: [disgustedly] No, I'm from Uranus.
     He: Hmmm. Now that you're barking, I know that you come from Pluto.
541. Gay guy: You got a nice mouth
     Straight guy: Guess what the teeth are for...
542. Are you as good as they say you are?
543. Go ahead, make a pass at me. I dare ya!
544. Baby, I got a backstage pass to your ass!
545. Do fries come with that shake of yours?
546. You must be jam because jelly don't move like that!
547. Take a chance on me.
548. This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single.
549. You don't have to play the lottery to get lucky.
550. He (going up to a girl in a bar): Hey, baby, wanna get lucky?
     She: You guys are all alike; you've got your brains in your dick!
     He: Then how would you like to really blow my mind?
551. If you happen to walk into an empty restaurant, with a waitress that obviously doesn't want to be working,
     Ask: Are you open?
     Waitress: Yes.
     Ask: I can walk out if you promise me a date.
552. Hey, darling, can I use your g-string to floss with?
553. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
554. How would you like to get something off your chest tonight?
555. Sid the Sexist was once heard to say, Let me tear down the gates of your love palace with my purple battering ram.
556. Live around here often?
557. Wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
558. Have you ever seen a giant sequoia?
559. I've never done this before but I feel like we were meant for each other.
560. Your aura tells me you're a sensual person.
561. Do you hula?
562. I'll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds.
563. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age, what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire?
564. I'm fit to be tied and good enough to eat off of...and caressed..and kissed...
565. Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue!
566. Either way, I'm going to have you tonight, so you might as well be there.
567. Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again?
568. I'm single!
569. Hi, I'm a flight steward.
570. I'm not trying to pressure you. I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; oh and by the way, you have my consent.
571. I'm sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big tits, but it's too late now!
572. I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck?
573. I haven't seen you in a while, you sure look different without my dick in your mouth.
574. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm rich, I'm sensitive, I love new adventures, and I'm hung like a horse.
575. I'm very rich, ya know. Let's get to it! Do you believe in sex before marriage?
576. I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you mind if I touched your @#^&%!?
577. Blacks are born with rhythm.
578. I suck better than Electrolux.
579. You know what I like about you? My arms.
580. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
581. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
582. Are you religious?
     Yes.
     Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
583. Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.
584. Come on baby, light my fire.
585. Hey honey, aren't you feeling well? I've got just what you need... A hot salami injection! (This one came complete with vulgar gestures, and yes, got slapped.)
586. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a manfriend, come and talk to me!
587. You look like you need a *real* man!
588. When you need a hug or just someone to talk to, I'll always be there for you.
589. You've got nice breasts, but are your nipples brown or pink?
590. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?
591. Here's what you've been looking for all your life!
592. I've been waiting all my life for someone like you.
593. They say size doesn't matter... After tonight, it will.
594. Hey, I like your shirt. It's very becoming on you. Of course, if I was on you, I'd be coming, too.
595. I'd gladly give you the shirt off my back, if you'd take the rest of me with it.
596. Let's play army. I'll go lay down and you can blow the hell out of me.
597. Can you come out and play tonight?
598. If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.
599. I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you, the Pretty Woman.
600. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. By the way, here's my card.
601. How did you acheive such a gaudy effect with only Avon cosmetics?
602. I'm just a caraway/poppy/sesame seed in the bakery of life.
603. You're ugly, but you interest me.
604. Do you believe in one night stands?
605. With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear!
606. Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here! Get them while they're hot!
607. If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
608. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples.
609. I thought women like you traveled in packs.
610. I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
611. I like women's milk, especially the package.
612. So, when do you think we'll go metric?
     (Let a reply come.)
     When do you think we'll get horizontal?
613. Do you communicate interactively here often?
614. Hard DISK??! Gee, lady, I'm sorry, I guess I misunderstood you.
615. I can catch your eel with my inter-net.
616. I can put a big grin on your inter-face.
617. I don't have any 3.5-inch floppies, I only have hard drives...very hard ones.
618. I like your hardware, you'll like my software. (female to male)
619. I like your software, you'll like my hardware. (male to female)
620. Could you be my hard disk drive?
621. Yo baby, I want your 69 meg.
622. You have the program to make my software into hardware?
623. You turn my system on.
624. Just because your computers are incompatible, doesn't mean we are.
625. Your laptop or mine?
626. Hey baby, How would you like to join me in some math? We'll add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!
627. Hey baby! You look better than a new set of snow tires!!
628. You look like the sun settin' on a waterfall in the spring time...and I want to be your horizon.
629. Where are you from? That's okay, sex could cure you.
630. Do you have any figs?
     No.
     Then, how about a date?
631. How about a hot date?
632. It's a jungle out there, so let me be your guide.
633. How 'bout I slip into something a little more comfortable...like you, for example.
634. He: What do you say to a little oral sex?
     She: That depends. Your face or mine?
635. Let's make like a couple of ghosts and wear out some sheets.
636. Your opportunity for total fulfillment has arrived.
637. I'd love to be the reason you don't get any sleep tonight.
638. I'm not wearing a Wonderbra.
639. How much do you make?
640. Have you read the "Consenting Adults" personals this week?
641. Had any good, hard prose lately?
642. How about you make like an electrical outlet and let me plug in.
643. How about we swap saliva for a while?
644. Could I interest you in a game of tonsil hockey.
645. Either we dance or go to bed.

Pick Up Rebuttal Humour

1. A man walks up and says, "Haven't we met before?"
   Say, "Yes, I'm [your name], the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. In the department "nice turn downs" there's this one: "I'll have to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired I want to sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?"
3. He: So, wanna go back to my place?
   She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
4. He: I'd really like to get into your pants.
   She: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.
5. He: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
   She: It's in the phone book.
   He: But I don't know your name.
   She: That's in the phone book too.
6. Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck?
   A: Go away, little fuck.
7. He: So what do you do for a living?
   She: Female impersonator.
8. He: You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you.
   She: (tries to ignore him)
   He: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?
   She: Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?
   He: (nods his head smiling)
   She: Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!
9. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
10. Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
    Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter. (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
11. Q: What sign were you born under?
    A: No Parking.
12. A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
13. He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
    She: Unfertilized, fuck off!
14. After hearing a pick-up line: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
15. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
16. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
17. Man: Come sit on my face!
    Woman: Why? Is your nose longer than your dick?
    Man: No, your cunt smells better than your breath!
18. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...
    When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up come chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
19. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
    The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?" The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.
20. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
21. He: Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.
    She: You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash.