A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is
met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and
introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working
their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at
the last ward.
They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the
food tray.
To the doctors surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward. One of the
patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis.
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up
the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice.
Some hae meat and cannot eat.
Some cannot eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
At this a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the
haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis.
Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse
obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers
up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients.
At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes, he screams at
the mouse,
Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!
And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint the mouse dodges between
the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize.
The doctor turns to the sister and asks "why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no doctor these are not Scotsmen the are genuine valley dwellers born and bred" she replies "and
anyway this is not a psychiatric ward it is the serious Burns unit"
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his
bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works.
He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive
a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly
wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and
fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence, but the company
would have none of it and told there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life
completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but
through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe
asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside
into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and
sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe...
"I'm an ex-tractor fan"
A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.
"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks.
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
A little boy at Christmas time is writing to Santa. He writes, "Dear Santa, I've been a good boy
all year, please can I have a bike." Then he thinks that's not quite true, so he starts again and writes,
"Dear Santa, I've been good all week, please can I have a bike," but again he thinks it's not quite true,
so he writes another letter. This time he writes, "Dear Santa, I've been good all day, please can I have
a bike." He's still not happy with it however and he thinks, 'Christmas isn't just about Santa.' So he
runs downstairs and grabs the toy Mary from the nativity set. He takes the model back up to his room and
writes a fourth letter. "Dear Jesus, I've got your mother and if you want to see her again, send me a bike!"
This cannibal goes into a pub. He looks round and sees this six foot geezer stood in the corner, so
he walks up to the bar, gives the barman £100, grabs the bloke, drags him in the tap room and eats him.
The barman, a little surprised, looks round at all the yobs in the pub and then picks up the £100,
thinking "Wow, that was pretty good".
The Cannibal takes a seat. Quarter of an hour later he gets up, puts another £100 on the table, grabs another
tall lad and drags him in the tap room. By 9 oclock in the evening they have a thing going. every 15 minutes or
so the barman steps out, grabs the tallest person and throws him in the taproom for the cannibal, who gives
him another £100 with a £10 tip. The barman has never been happier, but, sadly, some of his customers have
noticed and are legging it... by eleven oclock there's nobody left in and the cannibal is starting to look
decidedly bored, in fact he starts getting ready to leave.
Just then the door opens and a dwarf puts his head round the door. Quick as a flash the barman has hold of
him and drags him in to the cannibal, who takes one look and shakes his head, "I'm not going on shorts this
late at night!"
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift
which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory."
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a
care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo.
They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there
on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid
for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices
the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board.
Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
Two Irish men on their first holiday to Florida are camping in the Everglades, when they see an
Alligator with a guy's head & arms sticking out of its mouth.
Paddy turns to Murphy and says "bejezzus Muphy, would you look at that flash bastard in the Lacoste
sleeping bag!!"
George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their
waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney
what he wants, and he replies,
"I'll have the heart-healthy salad."
"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were
bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."
With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says,
"Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the
street towards him.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...faster...BUMP...BUMP....BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ..
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.... .
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps....
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Cough Syrup
Desperate, he throws the Cough Syrup as hard as he can at the apparition.
and the coffin stops!
Just like the bottle said it would.
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how
much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the female brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an
advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older
boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had
wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."
"How much did you win?"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend's birthday but as they had not been dating for very
long he decided after careful consideration that a pair of gloves would strike the right note,thoughtful but not
too personal. Accompanied by his girlfriends sister he went to Harrods and bought a pair of white gloves. The
sister bought a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up
the items, the sister getting the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents the
man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings.
If I had been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove.These are of a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from showed me the pair she
had been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all.I had her try yours on for me, and
although they were a little tight, they looked really smart.She told me the material helps to keep her ring clean
and shiny, in fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them.I wish I could put them on for you, as no
doubt, many hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.Just think how many times my lips will
kiss them in the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love Graham.
P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the
first bulls stall states:
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR".
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!".
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:
"THIS BULL MATED 65 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month.
You could learn from this one!".
They proceed to the last bull and his sign says:
" THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR".
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW he mated 365 times last year, that is ONCE A DAY!!!!!!!! You could really
learn from this one".
The fed up man turns to his wife and says "Go up and inquire if he had to shag the same cow every day".
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been
checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes
flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she
shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like
to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO
incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome
here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you
have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister
Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say
two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done fuck all but moan since you've been here."
The young man stood in front of the mirror admiring his well-built and tanned body, when he realized that his
penis was the only part of his body not tanned.
Determined to get his penis tanned, he made his way to the beach. Once there, he proceeded to bury himself
completely, except for his penis.
This he left poking out of the sand.
Strolling down the beach were two little old ladies. They came across the penis poking out of the sand. One
little old lady, using her cane, knocked the penis from side to side, saying,
"There is no justice in the world today."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady said, "Look at that. When I was 20 I was curious about it. When I was 30 I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
Feghoot was investigating a newly-discovered planet out Antares way, whose sole inhabitant is an enormous
humanoid, three miles high and made of granite.
At first, he mistook it for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless
on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth,
but it never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a four-story condominium,
but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives.
This puzzled the hell out of Feghoot, who tried everything he can think of to get some sign of life from the
behemoth - in vain. It just sat there, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day, frustrated beyond endurance,
Feghoot screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"
It happens that this was the first direct question asked in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to
its full height, scattering the clouds, thought for a second, boomed "IT COULDN'T", and squatted down again.
"My god", exclaimed Feghoot, "Of course! IT ONLY STANDS TO REASON."
Even rarer than the Shiite moslems are the Rari moslems. While observing most of the strict behavioral rules of the
various moslem religions, they have one additional stricture : no man shall accept payment for service, only for goods.
This obviously gives their waiters, bellhops, and the like significant trouble. In order to keep them alive, a ritual
has developed : rather than placing the tip openly on the plate or table, the waiter is distracted ("Look behind you!
It's Halley's Comet!"), the tip is thrown on the floor, the waiter looks back, and finds a gift from Allah on the floor.
After two Americans had dinner in the Rari province of Surikistan, one, being ignorant of local customs, places the
coins on the table. His friend sees this, grabs the coins, gestures to the waiter, shouts "Look, isn't that Yasir Arafat
going into the men's room?", and tosses the coins on the floor.
The waiter turns back, picks up the coins, and leaves.
After this was over, the first asks "Why in hell did you do that? What was the matter with where I put the money?"
"Why, its the wrong way to tip a Rari."
Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved
creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever!
Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realised that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large
amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.
Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds.
Unknown to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zoo keepers were
alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the
sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of
helping his dolphins that he stepped absent mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car.
Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for
immortal porpoises.
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal,
so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her
house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word."
She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first
person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen,
and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and
has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is
furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's
father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!"
Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this problem did annoy him greatly. One
day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the
interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same
question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his
BSc(Hons). He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no
fucking ears!"
A very attractive lady is in a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she
begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips
and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap,or paper towels in the ladies room."
A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counselling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the
reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man?
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of
honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You
don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes
to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?"
asks the little boy.
His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't
get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat.
The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
"Hey, how did you get that puncture?"
"Ran over a bottle"
"Didn't you see it??!!"
"No, damn silly kid had it hidden under his coat"
Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game.
Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland.
They're useless and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big
cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)".
He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus McFadden
89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear,
sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down".
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Two blokes were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items
on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam...I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is
for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
Bob the ventriloquist is drowning his sorrows in a bar.
"What's the problem Bob"
"Well Jim , the lack of work is getting me down.No-one is interested in my act anymore.I just don't know what to do"
"Well I've an idea Bob,why don't you set up as a medium and just throw your voice pretending to be a loved one from
beyond the grave.....bingo"
So Bob sets up and his first lady customer arrives.
"Can I help you love?"
"Yes I'd like you to get in contact with my husband who died a few years ago"
"No problem.Would you like a £10, £25 or £50 consultation?"
"Well what's the difference?"
"For £10 you can ask your husband questions and I'll answer on behalf of him"
"And £25?"
"For £25 you can ask your husband questions and he'll reply directly to you."
"That sounds fantastic.So what do I get for £50"
"Well for £50 you get to ask your husband questions and he'll answer you directly whilst I drink a glass of water."
Recipe for Love
Ingredients required:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
- Look into laughing eyes.
- Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
- Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
- Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers.
- As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
- The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
- If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
- Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
- If cake rises, leave town.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool.
"He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an
instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the £50.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner
coughs up the £50.
Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off
with a confused look.
Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off".
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much
your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't
mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest
of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now
you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, that's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have
sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,
but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was
insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO WAY!! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?!?"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she
came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What
do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So
twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"
A bloke goes into his local Chemist and asks the assistant, "Have you any Perfumed condoms?"
The assistant says, "Sorry but we dont stock that particular brand. Have you tried Boots?"
"Jesus!! I want to slide up not March up the bloke", blurts out.
...
So he goes to Boots, and says to the assistant, "Can i have a deodorant please?"
The assistant says, "Do you want the ball type?",
to which he replies, "No its for under my arms"
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
One sunny Sunday morning a vicar pretended to be ill and sneaked off for a game of golf instead of taking
his church service. He drove to a distant golf course so that we would not meet any of his parishioners and
prepared to tee off. Saint Peter turned to God and said, "You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?"
God shook his head.
Taking his shot, the vicar made a 420 yard hole-in-one.
"I thought you were going to punish him!" said Saint Peter.
God replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
A golfer was lining up his tee shot. "What's taking so long?" demanded his partner.
"My wife is watching me from the club house. This needs to be a perfect shot."
"Forget it", said his partner, "You'll never hit her from here."
An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops
to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The
priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father" .
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman
catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker! "
Priest: "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fucker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight."
Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the fucker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"
Mother Superior: "And I cooked the fucker!"
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge
fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says,
"You know what? You cunts are alright.
On seeing me naked after a shower, a girlfriend asked me, "why have you got a tattoo of a fifty pound note on your penis?"
"Well" I answered "3 reasons really"
1. I like to watch my money grow
2. I like to play with my money
3. instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want!"
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
"Yes sir, may we help you?"
There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You
should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.