Craig's Joke Page (8 of 12)

The Man Code

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model... and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the cheque. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird !"

To which the parrot replied,"Get him, Spike!"

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St.Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that," says the old lady.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you Father ," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!".

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was pay day, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Barbecuing. It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

The woman goes to the store.
The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
The man places the meat on the grill.
The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl told her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!" The harmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in! " The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a fucking pharmacist!!"

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It is I, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It is I, of course, you fool."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k.,but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird sh1t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

"To get straight to the point,I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me."

"Of course," she smiled.

"I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while."

The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement,she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

"What does SHE have that I dont?" She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

"Parkinsons," he replied.

A biker is riding along a country road when he comes over the top of a bridge, sure enough, on the other side is a policeman with a radar gun who flags him down.

"So, what's the hurry?"

"Er, i'm late for work?"

"Course you are. And what is it you do for a living?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher"

"A what?"

"A rectum stretcher"

"Really? I've never heard of that! What does that involve?"

"Well, lots of lube and then using my hands to stretch and stretch until the rectum is over 6 feet in diameter"

"Oh my God! What on Earth would you do with a 6 foot arsehole?"

"Give him a uniform and a radar gun and put him on the other side of a bridge".

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud "Bloody hell!. I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, He sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Fuck knows" say's the parrot, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Two scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike when they break down. So they start hitching a lift when a friendly trucker stops to see if he can help. The scousers ask him for a lift but he explains that he can't as he has 20,000 bowling balls in the rear of his wagon and there is no room, however he offers to look at the motorbike for them.

He tries everything he knows to repair the bike but to no avail. Time is now getting on and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, the driver agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and sets off on his way. By this time he is really late for his delivery so he puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of the Greater Manchester police pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver replies with sarcasm "20,000 Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe him so he asks to take a look. He opens the back of the wagon and quickly shuts the door and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency requires so many officers to which the copper replies, "I've got a wagon with 20,000 scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the fuckers have managed to nick a motorbike already".

This bloke go's to the Dr.

"Dr, I have a terribly twisted Penis" he says.

The doc asked him to flop it out for an inspection and he does. It looked like at piece of ribbon, tied in knots with the occasional straight bit of shank.

The Doc starts to write something, and says "I want you to see this man"

"Oh' says the man 'Is he a specialist?"

"No, he's a Saxophonist....he'll show you how to hold it when you go for a pee"

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee."

I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:

"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"

Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the cunt in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"

A woman walks into her house to find her husband stomping around with a fly-swat in his hand.

"What're you doing" she asks,

"Hunting flies" he replies,

"Oh, killing any?"

"Yeah, three males and two females"

"How can you tell the difference?"

"Well, three were on a beer can and two were on the phone"

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes".

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a person from the Inland Revenue"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Ok, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says:

"I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the Revenue offers you anything, there's bound to be a string attached!

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."

A Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat woman get on the tube. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap.

When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his face.

The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."

The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Scotsman must have gone for the blonde, and she slapped me by mistake!"

The Scotsman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can smack that English fucker again".

A man walks into a garage and tells the salesman he's in the market for a new car. "But there's no prices showing," he frowns. "How much is the blue Escort, for instance?"

"Hmm," says the salesman scratching his head. "That'll cost you two 20ft-long triangular coins and a pink note with a fluffy kitten on it."

"I'm not paying that," cries the punter, "That's silly money".

A man is walking along the High Street, when suddenly a nearby wall collapses, showering him with rubble. Even worse, it's ten minutes before another passer-by, a smartly dressed man, happens to wander past.

"Christ, are you okay mate?" he cries. "Has anyone called an ambulance?"

"Uh, no", comes the agonised reply.

"Right. Has anyone called the police?"

"No", moans the injured man.

"Okay...has the compensation board been informed?"

By now the injured man is groggily angry. "Look, you're the first here!"

The smart man thinks for a minute. "Alright", he says shifting some rubble, "move over".

A man with no arms or legs is waiting at a bus stop when his mate pulls up, driving the bus.

"Alright, Dave", says the driver as he opens the door. "How are you getting on?"

After finally negotiating a professional contract, a striker arrives for his first match at his new Premiership club.

"I'll tell you what", says the coach. "As it's your first game, you can play the first half, then I'll pull you off at half time."

"That's not bad", the lad replied, "I only got half an orange at my old place."

Waking one sunny morning, a man turns to his wife and tells her that they're going fishing for the day.

"Oh-no - I'm not wasting a lovely day like this", replies his wife, "and besides, I know how much you hate fishing".

"Okay", answers the man, "I'll give you three choices. Me, you and the dog go fishing; you give me a blow-job; or you take it up the arse. I'm off to the shed for 10 minutes, and when I come back, you can tell me your decision."

A few minutes later, he returns.

"I've decided on the blow-job", his wife says.

"Good", he says, losing no time in dropping his trousers."

But as she kneels down to perform the act, the wife notices a strange smell.

"Euuggh, your crotch reeks of shit!" she cries.

"Yeah", says her husband nonchalently, "the dog didn't want to go fishing either".

Looking for work, Jesus goes to the local job centre.

"Okay Mr Christ," says the assistant, after typing in his details, "There are two jobs that come up for your spec. One is a carpenter in Jerusalem at £2000 per week. The other is a carpenter in Glasgow at £200 a week."

And lo, the son of god did speak, "I'll take the one in Glasgow I think."

The assistant is surprised. "Why? You'd get far more money in the other job."

"I know", Jesus spake thus, "but the last time I worked in Jerusalem, I got hammered with tax."

Man sat in front of tv to wife - 'Get me a can of beer love it's not started yet'

half an hour later - 'Get me a can of beer love it's not started yet'

wife - 'If you think you're going to sit there all night drinking beer...'

man - 'it's started'

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?".

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country", said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up".

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".

"One" said the young salesman.

"Only one", blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him! a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser"

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook".

"No" answered the salesman, He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing".

Yesterday scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain (phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologise when obviously wrong. No further testing is considered necessary.

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey, I love you".

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

A couple are at an art exibition and are looking at a portrait that confuses them. The picture depicts three black, nude men sitting on a park bench. Two have black penises, but the one in the middle has a pink one. As the couple look, still puzzled. the artist walks by and says "can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it" The man says, "We like the painting, but don't understand why you have three African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have black ones". " You're misinterpreting the painting," says the artist. "They're not African, but Welsh coal miners. The one in the middle went home for his lunch."

I was at the petrol station last night, and while I was paying for filling up, a man on the forecourt tried to light a cigarette, after he had replaced the nozzle he was using.

He must have had some petrol on his hands though because he suddenly went on fire, which spread right up the arm of the jacket he was wearing. Fortunately some quick thinking customer pulled him to the floor and covered him with a coat and smothered the flames.

An ambulance was called and the police came to investigate. After getting all the details they charged him...

...with possesion of a fire-arm

Dave Beckham was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. Posh wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, Dave shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

Determined, Dave and Posh turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the Becks standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward him. He takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the Becks flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Bollocks, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

Some Limericks

There was a young lady from Leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn't for fame
Or love of the game
But to get at the cheese underneath.

There was a young actress from Crewe
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew
The Bishop was quicker
And thicker and slicker
And two inches longer than you.

There was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing his girl with great glee
She said stop your plumbing
I think someone's coming
Said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!

A kinky young girl from Bellshill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

There was a young man from Pitlochery
Making love to his girl in the rockery
She said look you've cum
All over my bum
This isn't a sh@g it's a mockery.

There was a young lassie from Morton
Who had one long tit and one short 'un
On top of all that
A great hairy twat
And a fart like a six fifty Norton.

There was a young girl called Polly
Who fancied a bit in a quarry
She laid on her back
And opened her crack.
And the bastard backed in with a lorry.

There was a young fella from Harrow
Who had one as big as a marrow
He said to his tart
Try this for a start.
My balls are outside on a barrow.

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit
And missing a tit
But think of the money he saved

A women with an underarm hair problem walks into a pub and goes up to the bar. She slams her hand on the bar and holds her arm straight in the air and says "Who's gonna buy me a drink then?".

A man at the end of the bar shouts to the barman "Aye, one for the ballerina over there".

The barman pours the women a pint and she throws it down her throat in one and slams the glass on the bar. She says with her arm aloft again "Who's gonna buy me another drink?".

Someone else at the end of the bar shouts "I'll get you one" and says to the barman "One for the ballerina over there".

Once again she downs the pint in one and slams the glass on the bar and says with her hand straight in the air "Who's gonna buy me another drink?", yet again a man offers her a drink and says to the barman "One for the ballerina over there".

The barman at this point is getting a bit confused and asks the drinkers at the bar, "Why are you guys offering to buy her a drink and keep calling her a ballerina?".

One of the men says to the barman "Anyone who can get their leg in the air that high and can keep it there that long deserves a drink in my book"

A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He aid to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."

His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food and beer.

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church sat down in a confession box and said nothing.

The priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest coughed louder - still no response.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Slurring his speech, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate - there's no paper in this one either."

This bloke is working on the buses collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and, seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time.

The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke...

"...I'm just a really bad conductor".