For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this
merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule
applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ... +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1
You leave the toilet seat up ... -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty ... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings ... +5
in the snow ... +8
but return with beer ... -5
and no liners ... -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night ... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing ... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ... +5
You pummel it with a six iron ... +10
It's her cat ... -40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party ... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a work colleague ... -2
Named Tiffany ... -4
Tiffany is a dancer ... -10
With breast implants ... -18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday ... 0
You buy a card and flowers ... 0
You take her out to dinner ... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub ... +1
Okay, it is a pub ... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ... -3
It's a pub, and it's all-you-can-eat night ... -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate ... 0
The mate is happily married ... +1
The mate is single ... -7
Not for long - it's his buck's night ... -10
He has a liking for Kings Cross establishments ... -50
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie ... +2
You take her to a movie she likes ... +4
You take her to a movie you hate ... +6
You take her to a movie you like ... -2
It's called Death Cop III ... -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans ... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ... -15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable beer gut ... -15
You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it ... +10
You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ... -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." ... -800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding ... -10
You reply, "Where?" ... -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your arse" ... -100
Any other response ... -20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression ... 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes ... +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience ... +50
Your mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?" ... -100
You have fallen asleep ... -200
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk ... -100
You don't talk ... -150
You spend time with her ... -200
You don't spend time with her ... -500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself ... GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!
A woman walks into a top floor pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar.
She goes over and asks him what he's drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter." She thinks he's a bit of a
tripper, so she keeps walking around the pub.
After realising that there's no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the same bloke sitting at the bar.
She says,"That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?"
He says, "Yes. I'll show you."
So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, comes back in
the window, and takes his seat at the bar.
She can't believe it. So she says to him, "I bet you can't do that again."
So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes
back in the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint
of what I'm having."
He gets her a pint, she takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 storeys, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman - you're such a bastard when you're pissed."
The teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at break time?"
Alice replied, "I played in the sand pit."
Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a sweetie."
She does and gets a sweet.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at break time.
Billy replies, "I played with Alice in the sand pit."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'pit' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a sweetie."
Billy does, and gets a sweet.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at break time.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can write 'blatant racial discrimination' on the blackboard correctly, I'll give you a sweetie."
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the
kinky side, yells out 'Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!'
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but
in a flash of inspiration,he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl
until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester
a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks 'Did you get these marks having sex?' The girl is a
little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, 'I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring
you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.'
A passenger plane travelling over the pacific is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the
Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.
After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and
aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that
she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she
wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is............it's Kylie Minogue.
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while
stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found
love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him,
and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all
the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing." Kylie
replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK.......
Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy."
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he
breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts,
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He looks at his clock, it's 3:30 in
the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock
on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly
gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each
have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in
the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my
wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub
to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good
and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls
down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her, lets
the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.
He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer
of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured
success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon
another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that
his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of
clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked
his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the
next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively
on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry
couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed
to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to
see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets
up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers with a grin, "I'm Cess."
One day, while cleaning her young son's room, a mother finds an S&M magazine on top of his wardrobe.
Unsure of how to confront him, she keeps the magazine and shows it to her husband when he comes home from
work. Slowly, he flicks through the pictures of leather-clad dominatrixes and whips, before handing it back
to his wife without a word.
"Come on," she says, exasperated, "What should we do about this?"
He looks back at her solemnly.
"Well," he says, "I don't think you should spank him".
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been
using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will
be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING : Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF : And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING : I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No fucking way.
TRY SAYING : Really?
INSTEAD OF : You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING : Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF : Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING : I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF : It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING : That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF : What the fuck?
TRY SAYING : I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF : This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING : I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF : Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING : He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF : He's got his head up his arse.
TRY SAYING : Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING : So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF : Kiss my arse.
TRY SAYING : I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF : Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING : I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF : Shove it up your arse.
TRY SAYING : I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF : This job sucks.
TRY SAYING : You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF : Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING : I see.
INSTEAD OF : Blow me.
TRY SAYING : I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF : You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry
what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at
Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms
Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer:
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the
last ten questions wrong myself."
A librarian is sitting at her desk in a library. She is suddenly aware that there is a chicken standing in the
doorway opposite her. The chicken walks through the library door, across the floor, up to the desk, then hops onto
the desk in front of the librarian.
"Book," says the chicken.
The librarian is surprised. "I beg your pardon," she says.
"Book," repeats the chicken.
The librarian picks up a book from the desk and gives it to the chicken, who takes it in its beak, turns round,
hops off the desk, walks across the floor of the library and out of the door.
Ten minutes later the chicken, with the book in its beak, is back at the library door. It enters the library,
walks across the floor, up to the desk, then hops onto the desk in front of the librarian again and drops the book
onto the desk.
"Book," says the chicken.
The librarian takes another book from the desk and gives it to the chicken, who takes it in its beak, turns
round, hops off the desk, walks across the floor of the library and out of the door.
Ten minutes later still the chicken, again with the book in its beak, is back at the library door. It enters the
library, walks across the floor, up to the desk, then hops onto the desk in front of the librarian and drops the
book onto the desk.
"Book," says the chicken.
The librarian takes another book from the desk and gives it to the chicken, who takes it in its beak, turns
round, hops off the desk, walks across the floor of the library and out of the door. This time, she follows the
chicken, who crosses the road and walks towards the village green. On the opposite side of the green is a duck
pond, the chicken heads straight for it. As they approach the duck pond, the librarian sees a lilypad near the
bank. On the lilypad is sitting a large, green frog.
The chicken drops the book on the grass in front of the frog.
"Book," says the chicken.
"Readit," says the frog.
So, this bloke is on Holiday in a secluded African coastal village. He falls asleep on the beach and wakes
up several hours later with incredibly bad sunburn. He hobbles off to the local Doctor, who explains that as
this is such a secluded village, and Africans do not suffer sunburn, he is not really kitted out to deal with
sunburn, however, he says, "Take these Viagra tablets before you go to bed tonight"
"What", says the man, "How on Earth can Viagra cure my sunburn??"
"Believe me", says the Dr, "By the time you retire to bed tonight, you will be thankful that the sheets are
not touching your legs"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the Forest when the Big Bad Wolf said "Little Red Riding Hood,
lift up your top so i can play with your tits"
"Sod that", replied Little Red Riding Hood, lifting up her skirt, " just eat me like the fucking book said"
A husband had "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his pecker, when he got home he proudly got it out to show the wife.
"There you go again", she said, "trying to put words in my mouth"
There is a couple in the cinema, a boy and a girl. The girl wriggles close to her boyfriend and whispers,
"John, the man next to me is masturbating"
"Ignore him"
"I can't, he's using my hand"
Pete and Barry have been living together as a homosexual couple for years. Sadly Barry passes away.
A friend calls round to console Pete. "Is Barry going to be buried or cremated" he asks.
No no replies Pete, "I am going to cut him up and make him into a very spicy vindaloo."
"Why" questions the friend.
"I just want to feel him dribbling out of my arse one last time...."
One summer day, during the early seventies, a little boy in Texas came in from playing out in the yard.
His face was beetroot red and he complained that his nose was sore. He asked for some cream to prevent his
nose from peeling, but his parents couldn't afford such expensive preparations. His father promised to make
him a little paper hat to cover his reddening conk, but the little chap said that it would make him look foolish.
At this point his father regaled him with a tale that almost beggared belief.
It seemed that during WWII, Eisenhower's uncle's wife suffered from the same malady, and the General employed
an Origami specialist to invent a covering for her. This did not impress the little lad one iota and he told his Dad
that he thought he was lying to him. Keen to allay his son's misgivings, he said.
"Ike's Aunt Gets Nose-Hat Is Fact Son"
What do you call the lead singer of a band who does the housework with the
lights off and a bird of prey on each shoulder?
Hawk kestrel man hoovers in the dark!
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months
they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that,
and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state
of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry
making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the
Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way
across the floor... and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush..................................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"Fuck me, I'm pissed."
A publican shuts his pub for the night and sits doing his monthly accounts, when the ghost of his dead cat
appears. Somewhat taken aback, the publican asks the cat what he is doing back. 'Well, if you remember,' says
the cat, 'I died exactly one year ago tonight.'
'I remember', said the publican, 'I was gutted the night you were run over.'
'Well', says the cat, 'I have returned to ask a favour of you.'
'Anything', says the publican.
'Anything?'.
'Absolutely anything'.
'Well', says the deceased moggy, 'when I was run over, my tail was severed from my body, and so I have had
to wander the spirit world carrying my tail in my front paw, which is starting to piss me off a bit. What I
need you to do is exhume my body and stitch the severed tail back on, and then I'll be complete in the afterlife.'
'I'm sorry,' replies mine host, 'but I just can't do that.'
'But why not?', cries the anguished feline.
'Well', replies the publican, 'I'm not allowed to re-tail spirits after 11p.m.'
A Duck walks into a bar and says to the Barman "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your
fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread
A bin man is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustbin lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round
the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a little Japanese bloke answers ...
'Harro'
'Alright mate, where's your bin?'
'I bin in the toilet'
'No mate, where's your wheely bin?'
'OK, I wheely bin having a wank'
A concerned bloke goes to see his doctor with a rather delicate problem.
"Doctor", he says, "I've got five penises!"
"Christ man" says the doctor. "How do your pants fit you?"
"Like a glove", replies the bloke
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a
joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running
through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him,looks at the
joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why
do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll
see, you'll feel So good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running
with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest,
you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle,and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this?
He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he
does ecstasy!"
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls
out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The
madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5.
What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam.
She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She
leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and
figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack
undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a
pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes
back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well, for $10 we have a special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room
where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack", the
madam tells him.
Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds
open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each
other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make
love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once
again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says,
"This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy screw a chicken".
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor,
and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in
your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
So, finally, the psychiatrist, at his wits end, refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash
with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says"This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once
a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned,
it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.
Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and just like that, he gets an erection!
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?", one asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and
is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan
sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up small florist shop to raise
funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad
attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird
just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.
Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might
have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's
extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I
will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such
a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
An American butcher decides to open a shop in a small English village, on his opening day a
lady walks in and asks for a chicken. The butcher says "sure ma'am would you like it filleting?"
"Filleting?" says the old lady.
"Yeah, you know, take the bones out?"
"Oh you mean scunting, yes please"
Half an hour later, an old bloke walks in and asks the butcher for a rabbit,
"Do you want it scunting?" he asks, to which the old bloke says,
"Yeah, it'll do for the cat"
Got a new puppy?
- Remove film from box and load camera.
- Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
- Choose a suitable background for photo.
- Mount camera on tripod and focus.
- Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
- Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
- Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
- Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
- Put magazines back on coffee table.
- Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
- Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
- Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
- Clean up mess.
- Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't
possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads ...
WIN A BAGEL
Old geezer walks into the doctor's surgery.
"Doc, I want you to lower my sex drive."
"But, Mr H., you're 87, it's all in your head."
"Precisely. Please lower it."
'Doc,' said the young man lying down on the couch, 'You've got to help me! Every night I have the same
horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.'
The psychiatrist nodded, 'And what do you do?'
'I push them away.'
'I see. What do you want me to do?'
The patient implored. 'Break my arms.'
A guy walks into the doctors surgery, with a steering wheel down his boxers.
The quack says," whats that for?"
The guy says "i don't know but its driving me nuts!"
This fella walks in a pub, Looks around, Spots a few people sat at a table, walks up to the bar
and says, "Landlord I'll have a double whisky, give those people whatever they want, and a drink for
yourself".
The Landlord say's, "thank you very much sir I'll have a whisky with you."
About ten minutes passes and the fella says, "Same again landlord, Double whisky for me whatever
those people want and one for yourself"
Again the landlord draws the drinks and thanks him
This happens about four times. And the landlord thinks he'd better tell him owe much he owe's.
So the landlord says to the fella, "Your bill stands at £32.50 at the moment sir"
The fella says, "Oh! I've got no money"
The landlord just flips his lid. Grabs the fella by the scruff of his neck and throws him out the door.
A week later the fella walks in the pub again, Looks round, walks to the bar and says to the landlord,
"A double whisky for me, get whatever drinks those people over there want, but I'm not getting you one
because you get nasty when you've had drink.
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
Furious, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Sean Connery is down on his luck and work has dried up. One day he is sitting at home feeling
fed up when the phone rings - it's his agent:
"Sean, I may have a job for you. I've set up a meeting for you tomorrow, but you must be
there early - for 10 ish"
"Tennish? But I haven't even got a racket."
Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession goes by. One of the men was playing a very
important shot, but too his friends surprise, he stood to attention and bowed his head till it
passed. His friend natually impressed, turned to him and said, that's the finest thing i have ever seen.
Well he retorted, we were married for 19 years.
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter,
do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,and asks: "Do you want a
wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says: "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activities for her
100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly
well when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family
members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time
later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase
around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking
good, how are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
A waitress goes up to a table of Japanese business men to take their order to find them masturbating
furiously.
"Hey, what the hells the point of whacking off over the menu?"
One of the men stops, looks up at her and replies "But it says here on the menu - first come, first served"
A bloke is walking home from the Pub one night when he sees a Panda sitting on a bench shivering.
The man approaches the Panda and asks what the problem is.
"Im so cold and hungry, If I stay out here I might die tonight" says the Panda through chattering
teeth.
The man doesn't hesitate in offering the Panda his spare bedroom for the night. Looking grateful
the Panda accepts the invitation. As the man unlocks his front door the Panda pushes past him and runs
into the house, the man, confused follows the Panda into the kitchen. The man gasped as he saw that
the Panda was eating all the food in his fridge whilst masturbating furiously. The man watched in
horror as the Panda came in his fridge. With that, the Panda ran out of the back door and disappeared.
The man was unable to grasp what he had just witnessed, he wondered if this was common behaviour for
the species. Looking through his animal encyclopedia the man smiled and read the definition aloud:
"Aha! The Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little
testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.
Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and
spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the
first man tells his story:
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then
I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink
from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.
How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them
until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted
her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I
was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Little Johnny comes home from School and over dinner pipes up "Mum, where did I come from".
Mum nearly chokes on her lentil curry bean curd, but is determined not to feed Johnny a
pack of lies. So, she takes off all her clothes and shows him.
"Thank God for that," says little Johnny, "another inch and I'd have been a turd"
Four year old Johnny is having a bath with his mum. He says to his mum, while pointing to her
genitalia, "What's that mummy?"
His mum slightly embarresed says quickly "Thats where your Dad hit me with an axe"
Jonny replies, "Cor right in the cunt"
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile
on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead
came up to me ... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!"
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave.
I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'
"She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on
his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave ... I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL
blonde came up to me...boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!"
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said,
'It's either screw or swim!'
"She couldn't swim!" Dave! "She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin'my boat, and the most
desirable brunette came up to me ... boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out ... much
further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her boobies and said 'It's either screw_ or swim!'
"She pulled down her pants_ and ... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG fucking dick!..."
"...and I can't swim Dave! I can't fucking swim, man!!!!!!"