It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of
weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.
At the second house they presented him with fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said, "but
what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we
should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "Fuck him.. Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea."
HOW WOMEN SHOWER:
- Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, man made or natural.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
and rush to the bathroom.
- Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
- Complain and whine about getting fat.
- Get in shower.
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
- Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
- Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
- Shave armpits and legs, consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
- Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
- Spray mould spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower.
- Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
- Wrap hair in a super absorbent second towel.
- Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
- Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them).
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
- If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to
spend hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW MEN SHOWER:
- Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to bathroom.
- If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "W'hey!".
- Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
- Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
- Get in shower.
- Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.
- Wash face.
- Wash armpits.
- Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
- Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
- Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
- Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
- Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo.
- Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
- Piss in shower.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
- Partially dry off.
- Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
- Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
- Leave bathroom light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
- Put on yesterday's clothes.
Two friends, an Irish lass and a Scottish lass, are walking down the street and pass a flower
shop where the Scottish lass happens to sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again".
The Irish lass looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'
The Scottish lass says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving
me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.
The Irish lass says, 'Don't you have a vase?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night,
she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function,
but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just
couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he
would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research,
implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether
it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was....God! I MISS HIM!!!!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A man has a terrible week at work so on his way home on Friday he stops in at a local brothel.
He approaches the Madame and sheepishly asks, "Can I have a lady please,only I haven't got much money."
"That's fine," replies the old pro, "go down the corridor and you want the third door on the left."
The man duly goes to the third door and enters the room. Once in the room he finds a lady on the
bed waiting for him, already in the position. He strips off and starts having sex with her, but she starts
spitting in his face.
"No wonder she's the cheapest," he thinks to himself, but carries on regardless. After 5 minutes he's
covered in her flob, so, unhappy with the situation, the man puts his clothes on and goes back to the
Madame to complain.
"Look, I know she's the cheapest you have, but she keeps spitting at me" he moans. "It's really putting me off"
"I do apologise sir," replies the Lady of the house, opening the door behind her, "I'll take care of it."
Leaning through the door she shouts: "CAN SOMEONE DO ME A FAVOUR? THE CORPSE IS FULL AGAIN!!!"
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs
and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime
before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks
down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here.
A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he
can. Nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!
A few yards further along the street and crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round
as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail
sausage lying on the ground.
He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he
gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.
He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a
small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.
On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who the fuck are you?
She replies, "My name is Buffet, the vampire slayer".
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There were 3 survivors, Dave, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island where they lived doing what comes naturally to men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time Deirdre begins to feel really bad about what she had been
doing. So bad in fact that she kills herself. It was very tragic but Dave and Darren got through it and after a
while nature began to take its course again. Well, a couple more years went by and Dave and Darren
began to feel horrible about what they had been doing. So they buried her.
Man to Dr - "My wife watches TV when we make love"
Doctor - "Well, some women like to fantasise that they are making love in front of an audience,
and the TV is a good substitute for this, also the TV gives soft background light"
Man - "But she changes channels!!"
Doctor - "Well, she may be looking for a sex scene, so she can wander further into the fantasy,
to make it better for you both"
Man - But we havn't got a remote control telly!!!"
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of
cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came
across a half-full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my
daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even
know she had a cock."
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman, "so we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we
decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful
woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous
anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting
of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this
convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when,
in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,"I shouldn't be discussing
this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is
filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in
it and approaches the bartender to ask, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper
tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit
bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third,
there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right
for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to
drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."
Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a
few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down
his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a
huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped
and big scratches all over his body.
"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars
are totally demolished but amazingly neither ofthem are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man - That's interesting.
I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!", This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished
but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
Sid and Al are Jews and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" He said "I don't know sir,
let me ask," and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." replied the waiter, then went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, Our people are
scattered everywhere."
When he returned the waiter said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
Exasperated, the waiter frantically said "Sir, I ask everyone!" "We have orange Jews, prune Jews,
tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
If Women Drink...
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Drink : Baileys.
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Drink : Shots (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.
If Men Drink...
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid
Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything & will hit anyone who gets in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities
(knitting, crochet etc.)to weasel himself into getting laid.
Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay (Blatantly).
While riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me
in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see
absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient
was wanking. "Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very
serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much
semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing
this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger
that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow-job
"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA."
Two guys from the Gorbals area of Glasgow are working at the site of the Twin Towers disaster and
President Bush is doing a walkabout there speaking to the aid workers.
He comes up to the boys from the Gorbals and asks, "Say, guys, where are ya from?"
One of them replies "Gorbals"
Bush asks "Gorbals, yeah? What State is that in?"
The other answers "Pretty much the same as this"
A Personality Test
1) It is your bedtime. What do you do with your pillow?
a) Sleep on it.
b) Bite it.
2) You have been offered two positions at a fudge factory. Which do you take?
a) Producer
b) Packer
3) If you were a ferret, what would be your favourite food
a) Grubs and beetles
b) Chutney
4) You are a jockey. What is your preferred steed?
a) A horse
b) A sausage
5) Imagine you are attacked by an aggressive piece of chocolate. Would you:
a) melt it
b) stab it
6) You are a butcher's boy. How do you deliver your meat?
a) Proudly at the front door
b) Furtively up the back passage
7) Your garden is on a slope. How do you perform your gardening?
a) Downhill
b) Uphill
8) Imagine a shirt is in your way. How would you move it?
a) Manfully discard it from your path
b) Lift it.
9) As a keen sportsman, how do you like javelins?
a) Thrown by old boilers like Fatima Whitbread?
b) Made of spam
10) You want to learn to play a musical instrument. What do you decide to play?
a) a piano
b) a pink oboe
11) You are an offshore driller. What do you drill for?
a) Oil
b) Marmite
12) You are a marine biologist. What is your favourite animal?
a) Scallops
b) Chocolate starfish
13) You are driving along a Parisian boulevard and fancy some English cuisine. Do you have?
a) a bag of chips
b) Bovril
14) You like robbing poeple's homes. What do you burgle?
a) jewellery
b) a turd
15) You are in the extraction industry. What do you mine?
a) diamonds
b) a claypit
Score:
15 a's: Nothing to worry about
14 a's or fewer: A bit light on your feet, aren't you ??
A pretty blonde is sitting by herself on a train. After a few stops, a blind man gets
in to the carriage and sits opposite her, staring straight ahead.
Now, she doesn't now he's blind and is getting more and more irked by what she thinks is
a pervert looking down her ample cleavage. She is determined to shame the man, so she
positions herself provocatively on her seat, blowing him kisses, thinking that he will
turn away in embarrasment. No reaction.
She then takes her top and bra off and wiggles a bit, but still no reaction.
In desperation, she then peels off her knickers, spreads her legs wide, at which point
the man pipes up "Ah! Grimbsy! My stop!"
Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little pig,
she couldnt stop it gruntin,
she took it up the garden path
and kicked the little cunt in
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you twat.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own
Vampire Bat returns to the cave after being out all night and is covered in blood. The other
bats are very jealous as they have had pretty meagre pickings. All day they nag him to show
them where he went, so in the end he agrees.
Next night he leaves the cave followed by his mates, he takes them over hill and dale, and then
through a deep dark wood until they come to a big oak tree standing in a clearing.
"Now then", he says, "do you see that big tree".
"Yes", they all chorus
"Good" he says "cos I fucking didnt".
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One
of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady #1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist
that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age),but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below"
to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her womanhood was dangling a bit
too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being
the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy
bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why
I've received them".
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you
were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
Ah, that's really nice," said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't
wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy "And the third? That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse."
He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth, and gently apply
pressure to the cheeks whilst holding the pill in the right hand. As you gradually ease
the cat's mouth open in this fashion, pop the pill into its mouth and allow the cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in left arm again,
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main bedroom, and throw away the soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with
left hand. Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of its mouth with right forefinger.
Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden to assist.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls
emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make a mental note to buy
a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from floor, and
set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw and force cat's mouth open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.
9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans. Drink beer to take away the
taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm. Remove blood from carpet with soap and water, and discard
shredded towel in waste bin.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard
and close door on cat's neck so as to leave only the head protruding. Force mouth open with spoon,
and however much force it takes. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Pour scotch
and drink in one gulp. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply
whisky compress to cheek to disinfect, and toss back another shot for good measure. Throw T-shirt in bin next to
shredded towel.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve sodding cat from tree across the road, and apologise profusely
to neighbour who crashed into his pool whilst swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of metal garden chairs with
twine. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push into cat's mouth, followed by a large piece of
fillet steak. Hold cat's head vertical, and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room for stitching of your
fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from your left nostril. Call in at garden centre on way home
to get new garden chairs.
15. Arrange with RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and find out if they have any hamsters who
need good homes.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes
home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes
home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a cricket ball."
Man - "Thanks nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No thanks."
Boy - "My dads outside."
Man - "OK How much?"
Boy - "£250.00."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a cricket bat."
The lover remembers the last time, asks the boy, "How Much?"
Boy - "£750.00"
Man - "Fine"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and ball, let's go outside and have a hit."
The boy says "I can't I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "£1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and Make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New
Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for
which they are famous. At night the tall tales begin.
Kiven, the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hang glider dude there is. Why just the
other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile who got loose from the swamp which ate six
men before I wrestled it to the ground...with my bare hends.
Jim from South Africa,typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a
200 mile flight on a tiny trail ind a fifteen foot Nambian desert snake slid out from under a rock
and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and beet it's head orf ind sucked
the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today.
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his nob.!!!
A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being
a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and
go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was
still early, decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some
fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor,
dancing with every nice chick he could and copping little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as
he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away
and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said,
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill
Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume
playing poker all night!"
And the husband returned "actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"
Over breakfast at work, one man told his friend, " I had one of those Freudian slips this
morning. It was so embarrassing."
"I don't know what that is" replied the other. "What happened?"
"Well I went into the shop for 20 fags and the girl in the shop had huge breasts with a skimpy
top on, so instead of asking for 20 Embassy Tipped, I asked for 20 Embassy tits; you know cos
that's what I was thinking!"
"Oh, I know what you mean now" said his friend " the same thing happened to me at the weekend.
"I meant to say pass the salt please to the wife, and instead said 'You've ruined my life you fat ugly bastard'"
Two missionaries are in the jungle when they stray into hostile territory. They are seized by
a tribe of natives who drag the two men before their chief, who says
"The sentence for tresspassing is DEATH! However, you have a chance to escape this fate. Both
of you, go into the jungle and find 100 of any one thing you want".
So, under guard, the two men wander off into the jungle. An hour later, one of them returns
clutching a huge bunch of grapes.
"Now", says the chief, "if you can stuff all of them up my arse without laughing, you shall go free."
So, the missionary shrugs, the chief bends off and the ordeal begins. The missionary gets to the 99th
grape and suddenly bursts out laughing.
"You were doing so well", says the chief, " why did you laugh?"
"Well, I was thinking of my friend in the jungle," titters the missionary, "hes out there collecting coconuts!"
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with
his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get
the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on,
get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in
this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow
all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off
about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly
nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was
giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged
her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the
woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she
actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw
movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her
husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some
movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair,
they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor
suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more
adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we
leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several
moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The
Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the
husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich £1.50, Chicken Sandwich £2.50, Hand Job £10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks
to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
A depressed young Paisley woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the Clyde. When she went down the docks, a handsome young sailor
noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for", he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and
if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day".
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,
and you'll keep me happy".
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night
he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America,
and he's feeding me".
"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.
"He's screwing me" said the girl.
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Govan ferry".
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling. The 90-year-old said: "I've never felt better.
I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began:"I have a friend who
is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry,
he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek he
saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went:
'Bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" said the doctor
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."