A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the
3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of shandy's.
One questions the other two, "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering -
how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do it"
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes,
with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital
goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us."
"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast,
that'll be the amount times we did it" offers another groom.
They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's
nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full
English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the
full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"
The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall
have...", he takes a deep breath, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST", he calls for everyone's benefit
whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the
thought how raw his poor corey must be.
"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why, that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."
She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom
calls after her again:-
"And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?"
A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The battery and the jump leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar.
The bra says to the barman "Afternoon pal, three pints of Stella please"
"Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you"
"Why not?", the bra says.
"Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something"
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman
with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was
that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat
him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best
we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and £3000 a
month living expenses".
There are two sides to every relationship issue. Have an open mind as you
first read her side then his side of this situation.
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say
anything about it. The conversation was very slow going, so I thought we should go somewhere
quiet so we could talk more privately.
We went to this romantic little restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit
funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply
and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant
because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back
home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted and not all there so afterwards I
wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep instead.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's
seeing someone else!
His Side of the Story:
Celtic lost. Got my hole though.
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of
place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers
looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through
a lot together, probably for 60 years or more! The little old man walked right up to the cash
register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a
table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger,
one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half
in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a
sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bite of hamburger the
crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple.
All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples'
table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that
they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching
her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the
lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished
eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again
he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth"
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the
day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The
man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we
start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a
couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five
minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while
I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
A man walking towards the lion enclosure in a zoo is suprised to see the
lion sitting down licking its arse.
"I thought lions were agressive animals!" he says to the zoo keeper.
"Don't be fooled, lions are the most verocious animals alive" replied the
keeper "why only 10mins ago a Liverpool fan got in and the lion ripped him
apart before eating him"
"So why is he licking his arse?"
"Poor thing, he needs something to get rid of the taste in his mouth."
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a
cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.
Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and
their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The control centre in the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the
temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the
pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection
to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again:
"Woman, please woman approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....
"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a
well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders
start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris
and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a
urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a
large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't
built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the door of an erotic sex shop.
Obviously totally unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store
to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave vvibrrrrrratorsssss?"
The clerk, politely but earnestly holding himself replies, "Yes we do many models in fact."
To this the old women asked, "Ddddddooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa bbblackk ooone tttenn inchessss
lllong aaandd abbouttt tttwoo iinnchesss thththiiickkk?"
"Yes"
"Ccccccannnnn yyyyouuuu tttellll mmmmmeeee hhhhowwww tttttoooo tttturrrnnnn ttttheeee
fffffuucccckkkkkkingggg ttthingggggg offfffff!!!!"
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite
two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its
been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from
the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Oh Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
A man goes into a pub and asks for a pint of beer. The barman serves him and
says to the man "Are you planning on standing there?"
"Yes"
"I wouldn't if I were you - a lorry is going to come smashing through the
window in a few minutes and crash into that part of the bar".
The man decides to move to another part of the bar, and lo and behold, a few
minutes later, a lorry does come smashing through the window and pulverises the area of the bar
where the man was standing.
"My God!", splutters the man,"How did you know that was going to happen?" he asks the barman.
"Oh, its The Power".
"Can you teach me this Power?" asks the man.
"Of course. Come back with me tonight and I'll show you."
So, after closing time, the man goes with the bartender back to his flat.
"Take off you clothes", says the barman. The man protests, but the barman
says its essential for The Power. The man does so.
"Now turn round". Again the man protests, but he is reassured that it is
essential for The Power.
"Bend over". The man does this and the barman buggers him mercilessly.
"I knew you were going to do that!" gasps the man after ages of merciless
pounding at his rear loader.
"See", says the barman, "The Power is working already!"
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up
but then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold "me."
The guy says "WHAT??" The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as
well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each, and then they
go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond
earrings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out,
but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says, "You
don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what
is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff
now." The woman's face goes blank. He Continues "I just wanted you to
HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is
indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man".
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of
the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of
the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?",calls one of the nuns.
"The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.
"Nice tits", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?".
Physicists' Bill of Rights
We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are
born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with
certain discrete privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of freedom,
and the following rights which are invariant under all linear transformations:
- To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
- To use order of magnitude calculations whenever
deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it).
- To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for
solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers.
- To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical."
- To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused
mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, und andere schweinhund.
- When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation
of (4) to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something
about physically naive mathematicians.
- To equate two sides of an equation which are
dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to
the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway."
- To invoke the extensive use of "bastard notations" where
conventional mathematics will not work.
- To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.
- To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
- To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality.
- To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs.
- To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
The Making of a Woman
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole fucking thing.
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands
when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to
it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.
"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response
to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and
remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."
The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed
spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows,
but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous
Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about
seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was
on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at
what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two
buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared,
"Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
Robin Hood finally got to be a very old man, and is lying on his death bed.
His pal, Friar Tuck, whispered in his ear that it was time to have the last
rites, and to sort out burial arrangements. Robin replied, in a weak and gentle
voice "Bring me my favourite trusty bow, hewn from the Oak tree whereupon
we used to gather, in our days when we did good deeds. Open my window Friar,
and, verily, wherever my arrow doth land, shall be my final resting place."
And with his final breath Robin drew upon his remaining strength and fired the arrow.
The next day, they buried him on top of the wardrobe.
The son of a prominent US general is playing with his crayons when he stops
what he is doing and looks up at his father:
"Daddy, how many atom bombs would it take to destroy America?"
"My God, son, I don't know, maybe 2 or 3 hundred?"
"And how many atom bombs would it take to destroy Britain?"
"I don't know, never really thought about it. Perhaps 50 or so."
"And how many atom bombs would it take to destroy France?"
"France? Dunno, not something I've thought about before. 100 perhaps, maybe 150?"
"And how many atom bombs would it take to destroy Russia?"
"Two hundred and twenty seven, son"
A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint of piss.
"Piss off!" says the barman
"OK then", says the man, "in that case I'll have a pint of Fosters".
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his
elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast
as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found
that three were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and
were out who knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa
went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he
went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor
and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said very cheerfully "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it
just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a
lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet I bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a
witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure
there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win
the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to
the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Why men can't get up in the morning
BRAIN LOG: 063015112000
SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness...Wait, there's a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about
1900hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up
here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yes sir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't...I don't know if
I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote stations on line.
I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to move fast!
CENTRAL: Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold
on, and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is inflames. I'm
trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a
pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping
next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower
facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a
somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine
subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her
he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of
baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from
home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So
he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the
way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table,
making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel
another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He
gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just
started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a
diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to
clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table
were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin
on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of
innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.
He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So
for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
- They have a lot of data but they are still clueless
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women Won.
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of
people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of
her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd
go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy,
waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going
ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never
thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet
you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for
the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
A man is driving through Ireland and gets lost. He stops and asks a man the quickest way to get to Dublin.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asks
"Driving, of course"
"Yes, that'd be the quickest!"
An old geezer pulled over alongside a deserted country side road
because he was having engine troubles with his old pickup truck. He
lifted the front hood of the pickup to take a look at the problem.
A few minutes later, the old geezer noticed another pickup off in the
distance. He watched with caution as it approached, and swerved from
one side of the road to the next. Soon, the pickup came to a stop
alongside the old geezer.
He acknowledged the three Indians who were sitting across
the front seat of the pickup, "Good day, friends."
One of the Indians asked, "What's the problem?"
The old geezer remarked, "Piston broke."
The three Indians replied, "So are we!"
Bartender: "What'll you have?"
Consumer: "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars.
The imbiber says, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then
offers, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of remuneration.
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker,
"Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.
The next day, the winner walks into the bar.
The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't
believe you've got the nerve to come back!"
"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
"I bet," says the bartender. "You must have a double then."
"Thank you! Make it a scotch."
**BEEP**
You have reached the Breast Self-Examination Hotline.
Press one to continue.
(pause)
Now, press the other one.
**BEEP**
I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to
define. Nonsense, it defines itself. Nothing could be easier.
No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft
core" pornography. The simple difference is,"Soft core" pornography is
that which gives one a SOFT-on.
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the
man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50
partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every
day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck
behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner
of a money making organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he
had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was
detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that
he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current
and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He
should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the
fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go
and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the
would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"