"Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a
girl. There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now
being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male
victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is
available virtually anywhere!
"It goes by the street name 'Beer'. All girls have to do is buy a
'Beer' or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for
no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against
such tactics.
"Please! Forward this to everyone you know. There are just too many
innocent men out there to leave unaware of the great vulnerability
they may have to this insidious liquid."
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly
departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her
voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she
begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes, granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind
the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his
balance and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night
yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise. He
gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you
idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"
The Governor was in the habit of scheduling part of his day to hear the
pleas of relatives of prisoners. One day, a woman came to beg that her husband be
released from prison.
"What was he convicted of?" the Governor asked.
"Stealing a loaf of bread."
"And is he a good husband to you?"
"Not really," the woman replied. "He beats me when he's drunk, bullies the
kids, runs around with other woman, and he not much use for anything else."
"Then why would you want him released?" the Governor asked.
"We're out of bread again."
Samuel went to confession and told the priest, "Father, I'm 70 years old,
married with four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair.
I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
"My son, when was the last time you were in confession?" the priest asked.
"Never, Father. I'm Jewish."
"Well, then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said,
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
Storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
- The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Subject: Memo from management
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal
year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired-Early Workers). All employees who have been
SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This
appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may only
be SLAPPED once and SCREWED twice but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management
wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy of training employees through our
Special, High-Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of
SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than
any employees in this area. If any employee feels they did not receive
enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor
is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can
stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Management
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his
bedroom is completely packed with bears. Hundreds of teddy bears all set up neatly
around the room - small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman
is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one
that's so extensive, but she thinks it's kind of cute and decides not to mention this to
him. She turns to him, they kiss and then immediately have their way with each other.
After an intense amount of passion, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the
woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, so, how was it?"
The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf"
This bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and
asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish
darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake
it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the
side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top.
"Shit!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I
going to do?"
He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they
will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and
while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions. He goes
back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next.
The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck
from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the
head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their
new game. Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning
the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane
moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel
and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Shit and double shit!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do?"
So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything
don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where
they are promptly devoured by the lions. Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and
asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the American killer bees.
He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another
and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he
lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp.
"Shit, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he
takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the
rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions.
"Whats it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?"enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish,Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
Three men are sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly they hear a beeping
sound. The first man presses his forearm with a finger and the beeping
stops.
The others look at him curiously. "That's my pager," he explains. "I have a
microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone is heard to ring. The second man lifts his palm
to his ear and begins to speak. When he finishes he explains, "That's my
mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly outdone and low-tech, steps out of the
sauna. He returns in a few minutes with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his arse. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "which body part increases
to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, angry, and said
the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was
going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the
teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Finally Billy stood up and
said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said "very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said, "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) You have a dirty mind,
2) You didn't read your homework, and......
3) One day you will be VERY, VERY disappointed!!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking the monkey jumps all around he place. The monkey grabs some olives
off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then
jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?".
The guy says "No, what?".
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!".
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight,
the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs
it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is
disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" the bartender asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first!!!"
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian
Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and
when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to
be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader,
after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be
cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going
to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever.
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
Five women went on holiday. They saw a five-floor hotel with a sign saying "For
Women Only". They went in and the bouncer explained to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors ... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for you can stay here. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs
telling you what's inside."
So they started going up, and on the first floor the sign read "All the men here
are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"...the friends laughed and
without hesitation moved on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor read "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but
they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so the friends
moved up.
The third floor sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to
the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect
builds, are sensitive and attentive to women and are perfect lovers. They are
also single, rich and straight." The women seemed pleased but they decided that
they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for
the fourth.
When they reached the fifth floor, the sign read: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt,
Inc. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her
children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe
Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became
Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood
subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his
Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to
differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
One day, a man walks into an antique shop in London. Looking around, he
notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture
is so intriguing he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
"Twenty pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and 100 pounds
for the story that goes with it."
"I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."
The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats
emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over
his shoulder he begins to walk faster but, every time
he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time
he's walked to the end of the street at least a dozen cats are at his heels,
and people are beginning to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats
swarm from alleys, basements, and houses. Hundreds of cats are
now at his heels and, as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he
panics and starts to run full pelt.
No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just
hundreds, but thousands. He looks up and sees that he is running towards
the edge of the River Thames, and the trail of cats is now several hundred
yards long behind him.
Making a mighty leap he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm
while he hurls the bronze cat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he
watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into
the river, where they drown.
Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.
"No," says the man, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Man United fan?"
A chicken was so annoyed with the way her youngster was behaving she said,
"If your father could see you now he'd turn in his gravy"
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his
personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought
medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another,
he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his
mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman,"I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache."
So this guy is walking through the city and a man literally lands on the
pavement next to him, having fallen from the 40th floor.
"WOW", that's brilliant says the walking man "How did you do that?!"
Oh it's easy, when one gets within a few floors of the ground, you spread
your raincoat and it slows you down enough to land"
"Really, will you teach me?"
"Yes, OK"
The two of them go to the top floor and eventually end up on the roof. The student flyer
prepares himself and his coat and, after further instructions, jumps.
Some seconds later there is a 7 foot diameter red puddle and a broken body on the pavement.
The flying man jumps and again he slows down and lands quite elegantly.
The doorman of the building says to him "Gabriel, sometimes you're a bit of a prick arent you?"
2 IRISHMEN WALK INTO A PET SHOP. RIGHT AWAY THEY GO OVER TO THE BIRD SECTION.
JERRY SAYS TO PADDY, "DAT'S DEM."
THE CLERK COMES OVER AND ASKS IF HE CAN HELP THEM.
"YEAH, WE'LL TAKE FOUR OF DEM DERE BUDGIES IN DAT CAGE OP DERE" SAYS JERRY, "PUT DEM IN A PEEPER BAG."
SO THE CLERK DOES AND THE TWO GUYS PAY FOR THE BIRDS AND LEAVE THE SHOP. THEY GET INTO JERRY'S
VAN AND DRIVE UNTIL THEY ARE HIGH UP ON THE HILL AND STOP AT THE TOP OF A CLIFF WITH A 500-FOOT DROP.
"DIS LOOKS LOIKE A GRAND PLACE, EH?" SAYS JERRY.
HE THEN TAKES TWO BIRDS OUT OF THE BAG, PLACES THEM ON HIS SHOULDERS AND JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF.
PADDY WATCHES AS HIS MATE DROPS OFF THE EDGE AND GOES STRAIGHT DOWN FOR A FEW SECONDS FOLLOWED BY
A 'SPLAT". AS PADDY LOOKS OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "FOCK DAT,
DIS BUDGIE JUMPIN'S TOO FOCKIN' DANGEROUS FOR ME."
A MINUTE LATER, SEAMUS ARRIVES. HE TOO HAS BEEN TO THE PET SHOP AND WALKS UP CARRYING THE FAMILIAR
'PEEPER BAG.' HE PULLS A PARROT OUT OF THE BAG, AND THEN PADDY NOTICES THAT, IN HIS OTHER HAND,
SEAMUS IS CARRYING A GUN.
"HI, PADDY. WATCH DIS," SEAMUS SAYS AND LAUNCHES HIMSELF OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF.
PADDY WATCHES AS HALFWAY DOWN, SEAMUS TAKES THE GUN AND BLOWS THE PARROT'S HEAD OFF. SEAMUS CONTINUES
TO PLUMMET UNTIL THERE IS A 'SPLAT', AS HE JOINS JERRY'S REMAINS AT THE BOTTOM. PADDY SHAKES HIS
HEAD AND SAYS, "AN' OIM NEVER TROYIN' DAT PARROTSHOOTING NIDER."
A FEW MINUTES AFTER SEAMUS SPLATS HIMSELF SEAN STROLLS UP. HE TOO HAS BEEN TO THE PET SHOP AND HE
WALKS UP CARRYING THE FAMILIAR 'PEEPER BAG'. INSTEAD OF A PARROT HE PULLS CHICKEN OUT OF THE BAG,
AND LAUNCHES HIMSELF OFF THE CLIFF WITH USUAL RESULT. ONCE MORE PADDYS SHAKES HIS HEAD -
"FOCK ME SEAN, FIRST DER WAS JERRY WIT HIS BUDGIE JUMPING, DEN SEAMUS PARROTSHOOTING AND NOW YOU
FOCKIN' HEN GLIDING..."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives
went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wifie
caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground
with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The
Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make
the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a tenner, go
to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further on the Irishman's wifie caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up,
and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded
a reason for her lack of nether garments.
"Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the
odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a fiver. Go to
Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wifie caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped
up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she
too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason
for her inadequacy in the modesty department.
"Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the
odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb,
at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!
Lone Ranger and Tonto on the plains...
Tonto puts his ear down to the ground to listen....
"Buffalo come" said Tonto.
"How do you know" said the Lone Ranger.
"Ear sticky" replied Tonto.
Malcolm the one armed man met Kim for the first time at a singles bar.
Malcolm was immediately fixated and asked Kim to go to bed with him.
She turned him down replying 'I'm sorry, I don't go to bed with
incomplete strangers'
Mother Superior and one of her apprentices are walking into town one
morning, they needed to buy the groceries from the market and a new outfit
from "Church Gear NOW!" on the High Street, you know how it is.....
As they walk they pass an elderly gent, to which the Muvver Sup. jollily
said "Good Morning".
The apprentice whispered to Muvver Sup. "Who got out of the wrong side of
bed this morning?"
Further on, a local Vicar passed them and again Muvver Sup. jollily said
"Good Morning", and again the apprentice whispered "Who got out of the wrong
side of bed this morning?"
The same thing happened at the market, and in the shops.
Finally, the Muvver Sup. said to the apprentice, "For fucks sake, I have
been normally pleasant to everybody we have met today, and you persist in
suggesting to me, at every fuckin' occasion, that I got out of the wrong
side of bed....what's the fuckin' problem???!!!
"You've got the Bishops shoes on"
A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool
in his backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking,
dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth when there
was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the
gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping
the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator
and let it sink to the bottom like a K-Mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a
million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That
was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
The brother said no.
The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the pool."
Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and un-suspecting pub regulars to
be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it is generally in
liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at
parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking
statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere!
All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and
simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally
rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often
succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women who they
would never normally be attracted to.
Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly
what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that
something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be stung
for their life's worth in a familiar scam know as "a relationship" -
apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been
administered and have already been sexually attacked.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town
where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and
frank manner with a bunch of similarly-affected like-minded guys. For the
nearest support group near you just look up 'Public House' in the yellow
pages.
Mens Quiz
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
------------------------------
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood test results
c) five tequila slammers
------------------------------
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sports Center
------------------------------
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
------------------------------
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) £100 extra
------------------------------
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
------------------------------
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
------------------------------
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
------------------------------
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
------------------------------
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) needs more time to cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
==============================
RESULTS
If you answered "a" more than seven times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than seven times....."YOU IS DA MAN!"
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending
the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress,sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy. As they walk through the ape and gorilla section,
they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the
gorilla goes ape (No pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding
on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free
hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests
that his wife teases the poor ape some more. The husband suggests she
pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and
Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let the straps fall to show a little
more skin and cleavage. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars
off his cage. "Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of
fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and
now he's doing flips.
The husband then grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings
her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you've got a fucking headache
A young polar bear sidles up to his sister from behind.
'Hey sis, am I a polar bear?'
'Course you are, bro. I'm a polar bear, yer mum's a polar bear, dad's a polar bear, you must be a polar bear.'
'Oh right.'
Later that day, he whispers to his mum, 'Mum?'
'Yes son?'
'Am I a polar bear?'
'Why, of course you are. Your fur's white, you're a big lad, you love fish, of course you're a polar bear.'
'As long as you're sure.'
That evening, he goes fishing with his dad. The companionship gets closer, until eventually...
'Dad?'
'Hmmm?'
'Am I a polar bear, dad?'
'Well, what do you think?'
'Well, Sister's a polar bear. Mum's a polar bear, and so are you. I'm white, I like fish, and I'm quite large...'
'And, anything else?'
'Well, I live at the north pole, and it's very cold, so I suppose I must be a polar bear. But there's just one thing...'
'What's that, son?'
'I'm fucking freezing!'
Man goes into a watchmakers and asks for a clock but it needs to be made out of potato.
The watchmakers says he has never heard of such a thing and asks why it needs to be made of potato.
The man says he has just been for a job interview which went well.
He asked what time he needed to be in work.
The boss said to him work started at nine and to get there in time he needed to get a potato clock.
Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the
point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger
strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally,
because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he
developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile
mystic plagued by halitosis.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub
and the landlord says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can
line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof
with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
A man goes to the vet with a limp parrot.
After a cursory examination the vet assures the man the parrot is dead.
'It cant be, I demand a second opinion, that bird cost me a fortune.'
The vet opens the door and in walks a golden labrador. The vet places the
parrot under the dogs nose and the dog immediately begins to whimper.,tail
between legs, and backs away out of the door.
'Are you mad?" enquires the ex parrot owner I said I want proof it's dead"
The vet leaves and returns with a cat .He holds the parrot under the cat's
nose and the feline immediately arches its back,hisses and bolts from the room.
"This is ridiculous says the owner,what kind of vet are you? I need proof the bird's dead"
With a sigh the exasperated veterinarian turns to the man
"look what more can I do ? You've had my professional opinion ...you've had
a lab report....... and a cat scan.
The scientists at Roslin institute who succesfully cloned Dolly the sheep
were not so publicity hungry when they cloned the parrot last year. It was
kept in a cage in a fifth floor lab because it had two major drawbacks
- It couldn't fly (problem with dirty test tube)
- It had a disgustingly foul mouth having been cloned from a seafaring bird.
A boffin studying for the priesthood was assigned to work in the same lab as
the bird on nightshift but found his work and concentration ruined by
frequent interjections of the most profound and sexually explicit language.
About 4am he finally snapped and before he knew what he was doing he had
opened the cage and released the bird from the fifth floor
window,momentarily forgetting its flightless handicap.
The unfortunate bird plummeted to the ground and smashed to pieces below
(some would say a blessed release for a man made abberation and abhorrence
to nature and god)
Of course the police were summoned and the scientist arrested.
The charge? Making an obscene clone fall.