Craig's Joke Page (3 of 12)

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads & praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot & exclaims, 'Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she meets the Big Bad Wolf.

He says to her, 'lift up your top and let me suck your nipples',

She lifts her skirt and says 'eat me like the fucking book says'

An elderly gentleman finally achieved his life long ambition and bought a race horse. But it didn't seem to have much energy, so the old man got the vet to look at him.

'This horse is very old,' said the vet.

'But will I be able to race him?' asked the old man.

'I expect so,' replied the vet. 'And you'll probably win.'

Mexican worker calling in sick:

"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel ill like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better so I can go to work. Why don't you try that."

Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

A Scotsman was visiting a museum of natural history in Canada for the first time when he came upon a huge, stuffed, bull moose with enormous antlers.

Surprised, he exclaimed "Whit on earth is thon thing!?" When told by the curator that is was a moose, he replied, "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see your cats!"

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen. I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once!!! I need something to keep me horny and potent!!!"

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a bottle of "Viagra" and says, "Here, if you take these, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!!!"

The guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes!!!"

The next day, the same guy walks into the pharmacy and right up to the same pharmacist then pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies, "DEEP HEAT?!?!?! You're not going to put the Deep Heat on that are you?"

The guy says, "No, it's for my wrists, the girls never showed up."

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A friend of mine was driving along south main about a week ago. He came upon a funeral precession, and pulled over. Along came 2 hearses, side by side, blocking both lanes of traffic.

Behind the hearse was a man walking a dog, and behind him, people were lined up for about a mile.

Being as we live in a small town, and obviously this was a big event, he figured he'd better find out who had passed on. He walked up to the man with the dog and asked "Sir, could you be so kind as to tell me who is in the hearses?" The man replied," In the one on the left is my wife, and the one on the right is my mother in law".

"Oh my gosh", replied my friend. "How did this happen?"

"Well this here dog killed both of them, quick as a flash"

"Hey, would you mind if I borrowed your dog?" my friend asked.

The old gentlemen turned around, pointing at the large procession of people behind him, and said "Get at the end of the line buddy!"

Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.

Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

An athletic looking guy dressed in sports gear gets onto a tube train.

A lady who has been admiring his lunch box says "Are you a polevaulter?".

The chap replies "No. Actually I'm German. But how did you know my name was Walter?".

One day little Johnnie came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia."

An innocent virgin had just got married, and it was the tradition of her family to have a party downstairs while the happy couple did the deed upstairs. As she was unfamiliar with the naked male form, she was startled to see a hairy back, and ran downstairs to consult her mum.

"Mum, he's got hairs on his back!"

"Don't worry, that's normal. Go back upstairs."

Further undressing revealed a lack of breasts, and she panicked again.

"Mum, his chest is flat!"

"Don't worry, that's normal. Go back upstairs."

Removing his footwear, she sees one of his feet has been severed in an accident.

"Mum, he's only got a foot and a half!"

"Okay dear, leave this one to me."

The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn't very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about Arsenal and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.

Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. "Hello, Mr Pope," the man says. "Six o'clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I'm talking about."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," the Pope replied.

"Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera."

Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera. Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope's aides was asking about the camera.

"A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained.

"50 thousand?" said the aide. "Blimey, he must've seen you coming."

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra.

"Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?"

"Braille," she replied.

From a recent Bank Newsletter

Please note that, with the arrival of the new "Drive-through" cash point machines, Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable Customers to make best use of this facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (i.e. male or female) and remember them when you use the machine for the first time:-

MALE PROCEDURE

Drive up to cash window
Wind down car window
Insert card into machine and enter PIN number
Enter amount of cash required
Withdraw card, cash and receipt
Wind up car window
Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

Drive up to cash window
Reverse back required distance to align car window with machine
Re-start stalled engine
Wind down car window
Find handbag, and empty its contents onto passnger seat to locate card
Locate makeup bag and check makeup in rear view mirror
Attempt to insert card in machine
Open car door to allow access to machine due to its excessive distnace from the car
Insert card
Remove and reinsert card right way up
Re-fill handbag from passenger seat to find diary with PIN number written inside
Enter PIN
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
Enter amount of cash required
Recheck makeup in rear view mirror
Retrieve cash and receipt
Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
Place receipt in back of cheque book
Recheck makeup again
Drive forward two metres
Reverse back to cash machine
Retrieve card
Re-empty handbag, locate card-holder and place card in slot provided
Recheck makeup
Restart stalled engine
Drive for 6 to 8 miles
Release handbrake

There are these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "You have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies. "Oh, yes, but let's change positions. This time I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!"

A guy walks into a bar, order a beer and after some minutes asks the barman if it is OK to use the lavatory.

"Yes of course you can, this is a public bar and you are my patron so of course you can use the loo"

"But, erm...I'm on salts"

"That's OK, I'm sure it'll be fine"

The man duly goes to the loo and returns to his beer. This request for the loo continues all night with the man explaining that he is on Salts and the barman saying go ahead.

After closing time the public have all gone and the barman check the loo. There is shit on all four walls and the ceiling and the floor. Like H block it was.

The following night the man returns to the pub and before he says anything the barman says..."Feck me mate, what kind of salts are you on?"

"Summer salts"

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys. "No" , signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the womans bum.

This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breath again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiraton, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen,"How embarrassing.I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

Colin was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

Colin replied: "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican...

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Colin?"

Ralph is tired of work one friday afternoon and decides to go off and play a round of golf.

He gets to his club and realises he has forgotten his glasses. He then discovers - much to his dismay - that all the caddies are out on the course.

The pro does tell him though that old Frank could probably help him out - pointing to a rather wizzened old man sitting in the corner.

Well Ralph is very dubious and is concerned that old Frank might not be able to see where the ball is going - he knows he certainly won't. Ralph quizzes Frank on his vision. "Oh no - don't worry about that sir. I've had twenty-twenty vision all my life, sir". Well Frank sounds fairly convincing so Ralph agrees and they grab his clubs and make their way out onto the first tee.

Frank passes him a driver for the first hole. Ralph tees up, takes a few practice swings and then turns to Frank, making sure he is going to keep an eye on it. "Don't worry sir - eye's like a hawk i've got, sir."

Well with that reassurance Ralph takes a swing and THWACKKK!!! The ball flies up and up and up. Frank follows the ball precisely as it drifts off to the right somewhere.

"Well?" asks Ralph, who lost sight of it immediately. "Don't you worry sir - the ball never left my sight."

"So where is it?" Ralph asks.

And Frank replies ..."Can't remember - memory like a sieve i've got"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy," Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says," No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't suprise me,"replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink,the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted." Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me," replied the patron." He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for food or water in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're in hope!!!"

"You're right" says Pepe, "Thank God !"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. The first bloke quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"

"Ugh... it wasn't a Bacon Tree ............It was a Ham Bush..."

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, you can go to the canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"

A Perfect Day For Her

08.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08.30 Weigh in at 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
08.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and fresh croissants. Open Presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with handsome and funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow-dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor caf?.
12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7 Kg.
13.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15.00 Nap
16.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card from secret admirer.
16.15 Light work out at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
19.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing with compliments received from other Diners.
22.00 Hot shower ( alone )
22.50 Carried to bed........( freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen)
23.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

A Perfect Day For Him

06.00 Alarm
06.15 Blow job
06.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
07.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
07.30 Limo arrives
07.45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport
09.15 Flight in personal lear jet
09.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club ( blow job en-route )
09.45 Play front nine ( 2 under )
11.45 Lunch: pie, chips and gravy; 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15 Blow job 12.30 Play back nine ( 4 under )
14.15 Limo back to airport ( several Chivas Regal's )
14.30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew ( all nude )
16.30 Catch world record Marlin (1234lbs ) on light tackle
17.00 Fly home, massage and hand job naked Elle McPherson
18.45 Shit, shower and shave
19.00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised
19.30 Dinner; lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953 ), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch International Match of the Day; England beat Germany 5-0
21.30 Sex with 3 women ( all with lesbian tendencies )
23.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23.30 A night cap blow job
23.45 In bed alone and lights out
23.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

A mechanical, electrical & software engineer in a car. The car breaks down. The mechanical engineer suggests, checking the drive train for stress. The electrical engineer suggests a complete re-wire. The software engineer suggests getting out of the car, shutting all the windows, getting back in and openening them one by one to see if the fault re-occurs.

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said that he liked both.

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline:

If you are a obsessive compulsive- press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant- please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities-press 3 4 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid- we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional- press 7 and your call will be diverted to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic-listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic depressive-it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

If you are dyslexic -press 969696969696969696969696969696

If you have amnesia-press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, d.o.b, social security no and your mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress- slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have a bi-polar disorder-please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss- press 9

If you have low esteem- please hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son, little Billy, playing with his new electric train in he living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying:

"All you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now,cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Just as the mother began to smile, little Billy added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,please see that fat bitch in the kitchen."

The First Worthwhile Chain Letter

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sexlife even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you. Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list,and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: -

0.5 miss worlds

2.5 models

463 wild nymphos

3,234 good-looking nymphos

20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms

40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sexlife. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake

A bloke drives his Rolls Royce onto a car park. There's once space left. He's just about to reverse into it when up comes a mini and zips into the space before him. The mini driver gets out, walks over to the RR, grins and says to the driver, "You've got to be small and nippy to do that."

The RR driver slams into reverse and backs his Roller repeatedly into the mini until it's just a pile of rust. He gets out and say to the mini driver, "Yeh, but you've gotta be fucking rich to do that."

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We make love to them. Go and try it."

"The rabbit spent the rest of the day with the female bunnies until eventually he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," the rabbit replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a fag."

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"Stop!", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a KitKat wrapper and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted;

"Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and help it up to him.

Harold nodded and said: "Carry on Ma'am".

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazzy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh no", said Ethel "not the breathalyser again

A penguin is driving through Melbourne on a hot summers day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first, but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and its Melbourne in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts on his ice cream. Of course the poor bastard has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess.

He waddles back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal.

"No no", says the penguin. It's just icecream".

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately get's an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the £500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Little Johnny is doing art at school, when he accidently stabs himself in his palm with a compass. He gos over to the teacher and shows her the wound.

"Oh Johnny, what have you done, let me get you a plaster."

"Its ok miss, i dont need a plaster, have you got any strongbow?"

"STRONGBOW???? what on earth do you want some strongbow for?"

"Well miss, my sister says, whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she puts it in cider".

Man goes into builders' merchants and says 'can I have 20,000 bricks please'.

The assistant behind the counter says 'that's a lot, what are you building?'.

Man says 'a barbecue'.

Assistant says, 'a barbecue! Why so many bricks?'

Man replies, 'I'm on the 12th floor'.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no."

The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him."

"Thats impossible," exclaimed the old man, "someone else must of shot the bear."

"Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the Pearly gates by St.Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.

The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.

The third nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...."No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far but expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

This frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that she is called Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "sure. I have this", and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "there's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "What the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lb., 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".

The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guys says, "Excuse me, but what did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face, figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 lb., 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guys says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird, Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles, Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling, brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers, Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window And crushed his fucking head.

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back....all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously didn't have any whips to hand but in a flash of inspiration he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week, later the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?".

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims "I thought so, because in all my years of practice you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".