Posh Spice decided to help to benefit the community and began a job as a primary school counsellor. One
day during breaktime she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of
the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end. Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage,
she decided to have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was alright, in the knowledge that
if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game. The boy said he was OK.
A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself, watching the
game. Approaching again, Victoria said, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The boy hesitated, then said,
'Okay', looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, She then asked, 'Why are you standing here alone?
'Because,' the little boy said with great exasperation, 'I'm the fucking goalkeeper - now piss off.'
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I
want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals
just like last time?"
"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish"
God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether
"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area, can
remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 sec without proper equipment.This was thought to be a good move as
most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage. However Ferrari soon
encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tyres in under 4 seconds but within 10 secs
they had resprayed, re-numbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and
tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers:
this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car
and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with
more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A young girl from Essex has just been involved in a serious car accident, and is currently trapped inside
the car, covered in blood. Paramedics are just now arriving at the site of the accident. The following is a
live broadcast from the scene?.
Medic: "It's OK, I'm a paramedic, I'm going to ask you some questions"
Girl: "OK."
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic:"OK, Sharon, where are you bleeding from?"
Girl: "Romford"
Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex
three times a night.
After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man.
Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex.
But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Bob says, " Cilla , that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet.
But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Cilla once again says, "Great Bob, but tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your
penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet!"
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.The first one said he was going to piss
him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."
"Oh aye really, hmm, didna ken that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped
the Scotsman on the shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"
"Oh, jings, I didna ken that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked
over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...
"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"
"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."
A German asks a prostitute for sex and she tells him it's 40 pounds. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky".
She agreed that this was OK as long as he did not do anything violent.
They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you to put one
of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks. The prostitute is worried that she is getting into
something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request.
Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him, which she grudgingly does. Then he asks
her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I'm sh*gging you" he tells her.
So he is banging away at her from behind while she is bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.
Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm
she has ever had.
After they have finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game,
how the hell did you make it so good?"
"Ah" the German replies, "Foursprung Duck Technique"
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Gabriel the archangel
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look
what I've made."
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,Northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued,
pointing to different countries. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful
and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central
America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains,
untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha
or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life". The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're
going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and
they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them."
A Geordie on visit to London decides to have a drink in pub he is passing.
Once at the bar he tells the barman that he would like a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale.
'Sorry' the barman replies 'We only sell Whitbred Bitter'.
'Oh, I'll have a pint o' that then' and he pulled up a stool to the bar.
As the barman hands him the pint he decides that he needs to go to the toilet.
'I need a piss, watch me pint will ya and divnt let any wun tooch it, or i'll break there neck. I hate
people touchin' me pint' .
'Sure' said the barman.
The Geordie has only been gone for about 1 minute when a big black woman who had been sat in the corner,
comes over to the pint picks it up, farts in it, places it back down and goes back to her seat without a
care in the world.
The barman is just sat there in disbelief.
Just then in walks the Geordie still doing up his fly, just as he is about to pick up the pint he stops
and frowns, 'Sumwuns ad me pint!'
The barman stutters nervously 'I cannot lie, that black woman over there just farted in it'
The Geordie slammed the drink down and marched over the the woman,
'Scuse me luv, you fart in me Whitbred'.
'No' she replied 'I'm Tessa Sanderson'!!!!
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards
them.
One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on.
The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims, "do you think you will run faster then the tiger
with those?"
His friend replies; "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."
The Ugly and Fat Birds Act (2001)
WHEREAS it is desired that all parties wish to define the legal and acceptable behaviour in respect of all
Ugly and Fat Birds (hereinafter defined) wheresoever located, THIS ACT, hereinafter referred to as the Act,
demands the following as the law of the land:
Definition:
An Ugly and Fat Bird, also referred to as a Fat Bird or Ugly Bird interchangeably and all terms to infer the
other, is defined as:
a) Any female who requires a male (the Bloke) to consume a minimum of eight pints of larger (or such other
beverage as may be deemed appropriate at the time and subject to the Court's discretion as to suitability in
any subsequent investigation) and/or a shotgun to the head before snogging becomes feasible.
b) Any female who solicits van and truck drivers to shout 'Boiler', whilst they simultaneously bang the side
of the van/truck during a drive past.
c) Any female who, when weighing herself on the 'Boots the Chemist scales (or other such public scales as
may be reasonable) receives the response 'No coach parties'.
d) Any female who is deemed Ugly and Fat by the boys (the Arbitration Committee) particularly after having
refused to shag any of the Arbitration Committee, alone or in any combination, after a request made in a pub,
inn, bar, night club or any other establishment of ill repute, especially on or after an all dayer (the Leo
Sayer).
e) Any female who comes to a Bloke's mind when any or all of the jokes more properly detailed in Appendix
I (the Jokes) are told.
f) Any female who is nicknamed Big Bertha or Ten Ton Tessie by her colleagues and/or friends behind her back.
Section 1: Clothing
a) It shall be a crime for a Fat Bird to be seen out in public wearing anything more revealing than a barrel.
b) The wearing of jeans without protective baggy jumper by Fat Birds is punishable by execution.
c) Fat Birds are forbidden to wear skirts or leggings in public.
d) Beach wear is limited to a large windbreak, to be placed in such a way that it conceals the Fat Bird.
Section 2: Relationships With Men
a) No Ugly or Fat Bird shall take advantage of a Bloke's drunken state. Being drunk is a Bloke's right. The
offence carries a life sentence.
b) On the male part, drunkenness is no excuse. Should he succumb to a Fat or Ugly Bird, he will spend the
rest of his days being ridiculed by his mates.
c) Should a snog take place, sexual intercourse may well follow. This is only acceptable in the eyes of the
law if the Bloke says:"Eeh, you're a big 'un" and laughs at her before, during and after the act of copulation
and tells her one or both of the Jokes.
d) Under no circumstances shall a relationship beyond a "quick shag" develop. To do so will result in
castration for the man and execution for the Ugly Bird.
Section 3: Force Majeure
Ugly Blokes may plead before the Court that they have to take what comes along. This is no excuse as
prostitution is easily accessible. Though this is illegal, it is far less embarrassing to be caught kerb-crawling
than it is to be seen in the company of a Fat or Ugly Bird.
Section 4: Miscellaneous Provisions
a) A Bloke is well within the law to shout abuse at Ugly or Fat Birds he may see in the street.
b) Public houses, night-clubs and bars will introduce a Fat and Ugly section where these kind of women may
socialise amongst one another, thereby avoiding them spoiling a good night out for Blokes.
Section 5: Relationships Between Fat and Ugly Birds
a) If two Fat and Ugly Birds desire to commence sexual relationships with each other they will be referred to
as Muff Munchers, Juice Jugglers, "Clam Slammers" or Gusset Typists (or such other amusing Bloke-developed
terms as may be applicable and trendy at the time) in the usual custom and manner. This is perfectly acceptable
as it leaves more fit and rampant totty for the Blokes to shag.
b) The aforementioned dick vans must not, under any circumstances, be seen to engage in any overt sexual
behaviour in public on pain of everyone else being sick.
Section 6: Comfort Eating and Related Issues
a) The Fat Bird will eat copious amounts of food, including, but not limited to, sandwiches, pizza, McDonalds,
Mars Bars and other confectionery, chips, battered sausage, kebabs and crisps at the slightest encouragement.
Examples of such situations include, but are definitely not limited to, death of a pet, someone talking to them
in a funny way (whatever that means), hard day at the office, no friends to go out with, breakfast, mid morning
snack, lunchtime, mid afternoon snack, dinner and supper.
b) The Fat Bird will always say 'It's my glands' when attempting to justify extreme obesity and
unattractiveness to her colleagues and friends.
c) The Fat Bird will bleat on and on about needing to go on a diet, hoping for a reassuring 'Oh come on,
you really don't need to' from a Bloke whereas a Bloke will always be thinking 'Too fucking right, love!'
The Act is to take effect immediately but has been common law for ages.
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly
types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped
that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
An Ode to Oral Sex (Part 1)
Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.
It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.
You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the pre-cum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum? (AHEM!)
Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!
An Ode to Oral Sex (Part 2)
Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.
Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.
She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.
Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?
I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.
I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.
God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,
I must have hit the right spot at last,
her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbours out of bed.
She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair.
And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman
looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to
give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting
down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set
me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give
Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the
door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back
straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin'
disability!"
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be
one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And
I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He
rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly
gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis???"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate." St Peter asks
the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's, "Well I once fondled and stroked one.."
St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front
of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says, "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush???"
The nun reply's, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks
her bum in it!!!"
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the
devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You
definitely have to stay here,so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a
large pool of water.He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his
head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Jesus and the apostles are in heaven and are deciding what to do about the worlds drug problem. They decide
they should first try some and then make a judgement, so the apostles come to earth to purchase said goods.
Peter returns and Jesus says "What have you brought"
Peter replys "I have the best Hashish from Morocco"
Philip returns and Jesus says "What have you brought"
Philip replys "I have the best Ganja from Jamaica"
Simon returns and Jesus says "What have you brought"
Simon replys "I have the best Cocaine from Columbia"
Thomas returns and Jesus says "What have you brought"
Thomas replys "I have the best Opium from China"
Then Judas steps in and Jesus asks "What have you broght" to which Judas replys-
"I BROUGHT THE FBI - EVERYONE UP AGAINST THE WALL"
An old woman, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it.
She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a
large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught Drunk in Charge
Officer: May I see the logbook and insurance for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the logbook in the glove box when I was putting
my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in
the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the boot?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the
captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the logbook and insurance.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license,
stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived
home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark,
crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike,
dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a
splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the
drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't
you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU
rather than German, which was the other possibility. Her Majesty's Government has conceded that English spelling
has room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan of a new format to be known as "Euro English".
YEAR 1: In the first year "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sival servants jump
with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and komputer
keyboards kan have one less letter.
YEAR 2: There will be a growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be
replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
YEAR 3: In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
more komplikated changes are possible. The government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the
language is disgrasful, and they should go away.
YEAR 4: By the 4th year, pepl wil be reseptiv to steps lik replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
YEAR 5: During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaning "ou" and similar changes
vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinazions of leters.
ZE FUTUR: After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikulti
and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understan ech ozer in ze EU. Ze drem vil haf finali kum tru.
A man is driving down the M1 in his Reliant Robin when it breaks down, shortly after he stops on the hard
shoulder, a Ferrari pulls up behind him and offers him a tow.
"Just flash your lights if i start to go too fast" says the Ferrari driver, "and i'll slow down".
After 10 mins a Porsche cuts in front of the Ferrari then accelerates away. The Ferrari driver is furious
and decides to teach him a lesson. Five minutes later he catches up, and within seconds as they are racing at
150mph, they flash past a police car in the middle lane.
"Blimey" says one policeman to the other, "did you see the Porsche and Ferrari?"
"Thats nothing" says his colleague, "did you see the Reliant Robin behind them flashing to get past?"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me
one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, ...
a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.
All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how
they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean
when they say 'Nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in
what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to
put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's too heavy."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at
least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A wee boy was playing with his dad one day when he said, "Dad, can I play with my choo-choo train". His dad
replied, "It's not a choo-choo son, its just a train. You're a big boy now".
Time passed, until another day, the pair were watching TV. "Look at that cute wee baba on TV dad", said the
boy. "It's not a baba son, it's a baby. You're a big boy now".
More time passed. One day, the boys mother took him to the pictures. On his return, the father asked, "What
film did you go go to see son?". The boy thought carefully, before replying, "Errr, Winnie the Shite".
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He looks at his clock, and it's nearly three
in the morning.
"I ain't getting out of bed at this time," he says, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to
bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke
down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's
door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After
some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with
a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in
formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot
cleanly through the forehead.
"Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and
charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound
of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries.
Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well
done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few
hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lemur one, suspect
headed straight for you" etc.
After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand-cuffs. "What the hell do you think
you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours
ago!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the
rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you taking the piss ?" asks the seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright,alright! I'm a fucking rabbit!"