God appeared before the pope and told him, "before you die you must make love to one woman, and if you do
this for me I will end world poverty and hunger forever"
PJP thinks about it for a while then answers God, " i will do this for you Lord, under three conditions"
God: "anything my son, what are they?"
PJP: "well firstly, she must be blind, so that she knows not whom she is with"
God: "it is done"
PJP: "secondly she must be without speech, so that she can tell no one of this"
God: "it is done"
PJP: "and thirdly, can you make sure she's got big tits?"
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and
sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When
they get there, Mick unpacks the food and beer and says, "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener".
"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it"
Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy
beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and
after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So
Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are
starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so
they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.
"I knew it .... i'm not fucking going!"
A furious Mother Superior gathers the nuns in the convent and says "We have a case of gonorrhoea here!"
Voice from the back replies "Praise the Lord - I'm fed up with that Chardonnay."
A man buys his mate a blow-up sex doll for his birthday. A few weeks later, the mates meet up and subject changes to the sex doll.
"Oh that," says the second man, "I took it back to the shop for a refund."
"Why"
"Its nose kept running"
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took
her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the
theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries
and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda
pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned
over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel
absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it
struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100
yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and
began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed
the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about
six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the
floor. She yelled out to her husband, "Bruce, Bruce. Bruce" she yelled.
Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up, "No way. We can't do it"
Cobba said "Lets try Plan B".
"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles
under her and release the vacuum", replied Cobba.
"Spot on" Bruce said, "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits".
"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?".
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles
aren't so expensive".
A jumbo jet is just coming into Heathrow Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom, "This is
Capt Johnson. We're on our final descent into London. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy
your stay in the UK.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says
to the pilot, "Well skipper, what you planning on for the weekend?
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a shit. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess
out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and make
love to her all night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off,
halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gonna take a dump first!"
CHECK OUT THIS BRILLIANT OPPORTUNITY.....
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MAKE PENIS FAST INSTRUCTIONS:
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-Immediately cut off your penis at the base.
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-Take the remaining midsection of your penis, and cut it into 5 pieces of equal length.
-Immediately mail each piece to the first 5 names listed below. Send penis only please (total investment= your penis).
-Enclose a note with each piece stating: "Please add my name to your mailing list." (This is a legitimate service that you are
requesting and you are paying your penis for this service).
-Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1
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in size.
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items: -
1 Bar of Soap, 1 Toothbrush, 1 Tube of toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 apple, 1 banana,
1 orange, 1 plum, 1 grapefruit, 1 tomato, 1 lettuce, 1 cabbage, 1 baking potato, 1 kraft single, 1 samosa,
1 vegetable pakora, 1 muesli bar, 1 pie, 1 frozen pizza, 1 single frozen dinner.
The bloke behind her in the checkout queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of
stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
As she turns around, he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says "Because you're minging"
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house.
Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art.
There's a feed of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison
and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.
All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.
"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of
the 'how's yer father?'"
"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."
"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.
"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"
The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.
Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one by the back
of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!
"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls. "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage,
and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to
the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could
have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while
he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was
a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd
worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
Mrs. O'Brien comes to visit her son Seamus for 3 days in Dublin where he is studying.
She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl roommate. Mrs. O'Brien couldn't help but notice how pretty Seamus's roommate was. She suspects
of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his Mum's thoughts, Seamus volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Seamus saying, "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose
she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you left.
Love,
Seamus
Several days later, Seamus received an email from his Mum which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vicky and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Mum.
A bloke in London, on company business, passes a phone box and sees a rather interesting business card. So he pockets it, for later use.
That evening, at his Hotel, he dials the number, and a sultry dark brown female voice said "Hello Sir"...to which he says, "I want a blow job, some
normal, some anal, bit of bondage and then I'll finish off with a pearl necklace...what do you think of that then!"
The girl said, "That sounds absolutely wonderful, but, sir, dial 9 for the outside line"
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'.
The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'.
'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your arse' says the boyfriend.
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks badly. So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a rooster
that they would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem." Trouble is, Kenny the
rooster costs £3,000, a lot of money, but the Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've
got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and Have
some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house -
three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next
morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with
Buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky above and says, "Shut it, you're scarrin the fanny away."
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm
out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.`
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, `I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also
hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator, which you didn`t like. She was wearing some very worn sandals,
so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you`d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for
your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn`t suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly
good, but much too small for you now.`
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. `That`s all fine and good,` she said, `but why
did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?`
The husband replied, `Well, that`s simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, `Is there anything else that your wife
doesn`t use anymore?
Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, she asked
him to make love with her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live, maybe we could make love again?" Paul agrees and
again they make love.
Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realised she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just
one more time before I die." He agreed, then afterwards rolled over and fell asleep.
Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the
shoulder to wake him up. "Honey, I only have four hours left. Could we...?"
Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said: "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then,
driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was
a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing
off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down
on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing
with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer..." "and believe me, mister, as
God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man
and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
This Jelly baby goes to the jelly doctors to complain about a rash in a private area.
The doctor has to take a sample and asks the jelly baby to return in a week for the results.
1 week later the jelly baby returns and the doctor informs him that he seems to have a sexually transmitted disease.
"So what have you been doing?" asks the doc.
"Fucking allsorts", he replies.
A woman notices a sign in a pet shop window, it reads "Clitoris licking Frog - see inside".
She thinks that sounds interesting, and steps inside to speak to the shopkeeper.
"Hello" she says.
"Bonjour" replies the shopkeeper.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the chair eating a cupcake, while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get big tits too."
Woman standing in the nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you pay me a compliment?"
So the husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's fucking spot on."
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom.
After all the nagging, he gets one, very soon he goes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love - Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, he proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa
with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"
Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."
A man walks into a dentist's surgery.
"What can I do for you?"
"I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist!"
"I know!"
"Well, why did you come in here then?"
"The light was on ..."
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?"
he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked
the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up
the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there
was a little cocktail sausage.
The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasnt that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again there was another sausage but this time it was a normal
sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so delicious, but it was so
deep that he had to actually put all of his body into the pond to reach the sausage - he found it very tasty.
The moral of the story is...The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!
A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles
from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr Brown, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of
the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"
At this, the man pulled off his mask and yelled, "I SAID... Are my TEST RESULTS BACK!!!"
A tramp goes into the ironmongers, walks up to the counter and says "Gissa bottle o' meths"
"Sod off" comes the reply, "you'll drink it!"
"Shan't" says the tramp, "Go, on please"
"I told you, you can't have it 'cos you'll drink it!"
"Promise I won't" says the tramp
"OK OK - here you go, seventy pence" says the ironmonger
"Any chance of one from the fridge?"
The CEO of Nestlé manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nestlé is prepared to donate 100 million to the church
if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'.
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nestlé man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to 300 million. All we require is that you
change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'.
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nestlé guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nestlé respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate 500
million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread'
to 'give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." and he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good news is that the Church
will come into 500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Hovis Account"
Up north and its raining and cold, and a tramp was walking up the street he is cold and wet, he see's a light on in the George and Dragon.
He wants to warm himself up but its after hours he knocks the door anyway. After a while a stern faced woman answers the door, "YES.. WHAT DO YOU WANT"
"Can i come in and warm myself by your fire for ten minutes just until i get some feeling back in my feet ...please."
"BLOODY HELL NO. BE OFF WITH YOU NOW."
"Well, could you spare fifty pence for a cuppa to warm me up in the morning when yonder cafe opens......please "
"BLOODY HELL NO. BE OFF WITH YOU NOW AND SHE SLAMS AND REBOLTS THE DOOR AGAIN."
The tramp is left standing, instead of leaving he knocks on the door again.
The door opens "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW, I TOLD YOU NO. NOW WHAT IS IT YOU WANT"
"I was just wondering if i could speak to George please "
A well heeled businessman is driving around his home town one day in his prized silver BMW and pulls up to a set of traffic lights just as they turn
red. Seconds later a Mini pulls up next to him. Both he and the Mini driver exchange glances. The businessman looks down his nose at the little red
car, which doesn't go un-noticed by the Mini driver. So as they both wait for the lights to turn green, the Beemer man presses a button and lowers his
electric window, watching it as it smoothly lowers itself into the body of the door. He is a little surprised to see the Mini driver look up at him
and press a button in his little car. His window also lowers itself electrically. The businessman counters by pressing another button in the BMW. The
roof slowly peels back and disappears into a compartment at the back of the car. "Beat that" he thinks and looks down at the little mini with a smirk.
To his annoyance, the Mini driver presses a button in his car, and his roof slowly peels back and conceals itself away in it's own little compartment
just as smoothly as it did in the BMW.
The business guy can't believe it and is now well and truly pissed off. As he glares down into the Mini, desperately thinking of something else to press,
the Mini driver hits another button on his dashboard. The passenger seat and rear seats in the wee car fold away and upside down to turn into a luxury
bed, complete with duvet, pillows, a headboard and even a little bedside cabinet on which rests a brightly shining reading lamp.
The lights turn green and the Mini speeds off. The Businessman sits motionless for several moments. He is gutted. When he has re-gathered his composure,
his anger kicks in and he drives straight to his BMW dealer. He relays the details and insists that he have the same things installed in his car, no
matter what the cost.
Despite BMW's protestations and some £45,000 worse off, a week later he is back in his BMW, bed, and all ..... plus some. He is determined to find the
Mini owner and shove it to him. So he spends all day driving around and around and as night falls is about to give up, when he finally sees the little
red car parked up in a lay-by. As he quietly motors nearer he can see that all the windows are steamed up.
"Perfect", he thinks to himself. He drives up alongside the little car and lowers his window. He leans out and taps on the Mini's window and waits.
Nothing. He taps again, a bit louder this time and hoots his horn. Still nothing. So he bangs on the window and leans on his horn and screams out "COME
ON OUT, YOU LITTLE SH1T. STOP YOUR SHAGGING, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU."
Finally, the Mini's window lowers and out pops the drivers head, all covered in sweat.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" shouts the Mini driver.
"Look at this," the business guy replies. He presses his shiny new button and watches with great pleasure as all the seats in the BMW fold away and turn
into a luxury bed. The sheets and duvet are exposed as is the headboard, bedside table and reading lamp. In addition there is a coffee percolator, a
telephone, TV, VCR and DVD player plus stereo system with a 10stack CD shuttle. All snap neatly into position. He knows that everything is just that
little bit bigger and better than the one in the Mini.
"Well what do you think of all this then?" he asks smugly.
The Mini driver looks at him in disgust. "You got me out of the shower just to show me that?"
Billy Joe and Mary Sue newly joined in holy matrimony are spending their wedding night at Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Wheeling, West Virginia.
They have abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him: "Wait Billy Joe, I just thought you should know....this
ain't just our first time....this here is my first time ever.
I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you"
"What you sayin' Mary Sue" replies Billy Joe "I said I am a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night" "You're a VIRGIN?"
"That's right, please be gentle."
"Gentle! Gentle my ass, I'm outta here!"
With that Billy Joe pulls up his pants and leaves his virgin bride, Lying alone and naked. He slams the motel door and jumps in his pick-up and drives
back home.
"Pa! Pa! Wake up! You're not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, what the hell you doin' here? It's 3am on your Wedding night! Why the hell ain't you and that pretty new wife of yours on haystack
somewhere, fucking like rabbits?"
"Pa, I was all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that's she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right Pa. One hundred percent cherry. As soon as she told me I got the hell outta there as fast as I could"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing.....cos if she ain't good enough for her own family, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!!!!"
A policeman is driving down the A10, when he spots a car crawling along at a snails pace. He switched on his Blues and Twos and pulls the car over.
He gets out of his policecar and on approaching the pulled over car and finds two old ladies inside. One of them, the driver, appears quite relaxed
but the passenger is pale, sweating and staring wide eyed and unfocussed into the distance.
"Do you know the speed limit for this road, Madam?", asks the policeman.
"Well as it is the A10, that would be 10mph officer", replied the old lady driver.
"No no, the A10 is just the name of the road. The speed limit is 60mph". The policeman shakes his head in disbelief.
"Oh sorry officer, I will remember that."
"Okay, madam. Now you can proceed with your journey but please try to keep to a pace more in keeping with the other traffic on the road......", and he
is just about to wave them on, when he thinks of something else. "Madam, just before you go, the lady that is your passenger. Is she alright, she does
not look very well?"
"Oh she's fine officer, thanks for asking. We have just come off of the A163 that is all".
The Phone Call . . .
Hi honey, this is Daddy . . . Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now."
"Uh, Okay, then . . . . . here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle
Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and
she's not moving any more. "
Oh no . . . and what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too,and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool . . . . but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."
**** long pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I
will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three
inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for
that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh... if
that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that
mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and
drowns.
The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of
the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss right on the horses ass.
He dropped the horse's tail,stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush
in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the
booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today,
and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and
crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only
take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world
and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,
but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is
what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel
better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothin', but you left your Injun running."
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?!
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fucking life it won't be Coco Pops"
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and
nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So
what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible
headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story.....
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red,
orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just shit my pants."
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss
her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
The differences between prison and work: -
In prison - you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
At work - you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
In prison - you get three meals a day.
At work - you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison - you get time off for good behavior.
At work - you get more work for good behavior.
In prison - the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work - you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
In prison - you can watch TV and play games.
At work - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison - you get your own toilet.
At work - you have to share with some idiot who urinates on the seat.
In prison - they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work - you can't even speak to your family.
In prison - all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
At work - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
At work - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison - you must deal with sadistic wardens.
At work - they are called managers.