This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. "Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking
arsewipe?" he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as
soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?"
"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano."
"Ah," replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent," cries the manager, "What's it called?"
"I Wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of
the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little 'G' string she's
wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as
the butter is dripping down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away
furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
"Where's that bastard pianist?"
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and
starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and
bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"
"Know it" he said, "I fucking wrote it."
A group of scientists wanting to understand the link between Homo Sapiens and Primates decided they needed a sub species to assist their work. They put
an ad in the paper:
"£100,000 to mate with a chimpanzee"
After a few weeks with no response they placed another ad.
"£200,000 to mate with a chimpanzee"
Finally after no response they tried again.
"£500,000 to mate with a chimpanzee"
A couple of days later a bloke contacted them and said, "I'd like to volunteer but there are 3 conditions"
"My wife must never find out"
"My kids must never find out"
"And can I pay in installments?"
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send
a cheque for £250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find cheque in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that: it had never been occupied; that there was plenty of heat; that is was small enough to make me cozy and at
home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty
of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady.
A brummie goes for a job interview wearing a polyester shirt, bright flares and big boots.
The interviewer says: "All you need now is a kipper tie."
The brummie replies: "That would be nice, two sugars, please."
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...
Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ......And that's when I shot the little bastard!
A university study showed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating, she is more prone to prefer a man with scissors shoved in his temple, a cricket bat
round the back of his head, while he burns furiously.
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They had thoughtfully made a sign saying,
"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think
maybe we should have just said "Bridge Out"?"
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents
helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing
bothering me, quite a lot, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all
beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter,
she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door..........
I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and
pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family.
Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital
to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "you've got to keep that old motor running".
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running".
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running".
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black".
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the country.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are each thinking the exact same thing.
Q - What are they thinking?
A - Don't look down.
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom. It was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding
onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No,ma'am," he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
Scotland Draft Higher Grade Modern Mathematics Papaer 2003
GLASGOW REGION
Name............
Nickname............
Gangname............
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for distribution. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky
his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals
the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long
will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're
losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they
have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many
more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?
EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION
Name............
Rugby Club............
Daddy's Company............
1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long
does he cry before giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat
mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their
milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before
Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges
£50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1
miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
HIGHLANDS REGION
Name............
Glen............
1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the
first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How
long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?
4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling
your exclusive story and pictures?
5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road
re-opens in the spring!
How to write a paper in college/university
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
- Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your mail.
- Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
- Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
- Check your email.
- Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to the cafe and grab a hot chocolate. Just to get settled down and ready to
work.
- When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
- If your room is not clean, take out the garbage and vacuum first.
- Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
- Check your email.
- You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it
out of the way so you can concentrate.
- Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
- Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.
- Check your email.
- MSN chat with one of your friends about the future (ie summer plans).
- Check your email.
- Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.
- Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your lecturer,
the course, the college, the world at large.
- Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
- While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
- Check your email.
- Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
- Play some solitare.
- Check out bored.com.
- Wash your hands.
- Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
- Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
- Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
- Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.
- Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.
- You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
- Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
- Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
- Lie face down on the floor and moan.
- Punch the wall and break something.
- Check your email.
- Mumble obscenties.
- 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am - paper is finished.
- Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because had to write that stupid paper.
- Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap
A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield.
"Oh! He's my favorite, darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?" he asked the tattooist.
So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson.
"Oh, my !" the queen blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?"
So it was done.
On returning home, his boyfriend says, "Well, drop your trousers, give us a look."
He dropped his pants and showed his ass.
His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those
two."
There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:
The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of
her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies,
"Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making Ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah
lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says,
"Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' Me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d' window and wipe me knob
on the curtain. She hits the fockin' roof."
A sheriff walks into a bar, looks around and says "I'm lookin' for a criminal".
A cowboy looks up from his card game and replies, "who is this criminal".
"Brown paper Jack is his name" said the Sheriff.
"Brown Paper Jack? that sure is a funny name, what does he look like?" asked the cowboy.
"Well" replies the sheriff "he had a brown paper hat, brown paper jeans, brown paper coat and brown paper boots"
The cowboy looks puzzled and asked "whats he wanted for???"
"Rustling" replies the Sheriff.
Olaf took Inga home with him and took off his shirt. Inga says, "Olaf dat's some chest you have dare".
Olaf says, "Inga, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."
Next he took off his pants. Inga says, "Olaf dat's nice calves you have dare."
Olaf says, "Inga dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."
Olaf quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Inga screamed and ran out the door.
Olaf put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her, Olaf said, "Inga, viy did you run out like dat?"
Inga said, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas."
OK, there were these 3 guys who were caught drunk in public in a country where that was strictly illegal. They were taken
to the police station and all stuffed in one cell and let sleep untill they weren't drunk anymore. So the chief of police
comes in to them and says: "Guys, I'm sorry but you'll all have to be executed in an hour."
The guys are very startled and then the police chief says: "You can choose three ways to die. By a gun, a rope or a needle
which carries HIV."
The guys are even more frightened because they see that he is not joking about this. In an hour the guards come in to the cell
and take one guy and say to him: "So, what option have you chosen for your self? To be shot, hung, or injected with HIV ?"
The guy says, "I want to be shot.". They take him to the execution area and and he is shot dead.
In 10 minutes the guards come back into the cell and pick up the 2nd guy. They ask him "Which of the options have you chosen
for yourself?"
"The rope", says the guy and is obviously REALLY frightened. The guards take him to the execution area and hang him.
When he's dead they return to the cell and are about to pick up the 3rd guy, but they see that there is something different
about him. He's not scared at all. They ask him anyway. "Which of the options have you chosen for yourself?"
He replies, without hesitaion, "I want the needle."
The guards look at each other and say. "OK. wait here.". They go and pick up the HIV carrying needle and are about to inject
him when he starts to giggle. They are very surprised by this, but continue anyway. When they finish injecting, he bursts out in
laughter and the guards look at each other, very surprised by this behaviour.
They finally decide to ask: "Why the hell are you laughing? You've just been injected with HIV!"
The guy looks up and hardly can say anything because he's struggling not to laugh too hard, but then says "I know, but I'm
wearing a condom!!"
A chap emigrates to America from Scotland. Arrives in Boston and on leaving the airport with nary a penny to his name, he
spots a small wigwam with a little wooden sign, 'Running Cloud, Memory Man - Ask Any Question, 50c'.
Deciding this was a good omen, he stuck his head inside. Running Cloud is perched on a big cushion smoking contentedly.
'Ask me something' he said 'me heap big memory'.
'OK' says our guy 'who won the Scottish cup final in 1927?'
'Kilmarnock, 2-1 over Partick Thistle', says the Indian without a moment's hesitation.
Suitably impressed, our chap pays his money and leaves. 50 years later and now a multi millionaire, he decides to pay the old
country a visit and on the way to Boston airport steps out his limo to see a massive smoked glass building in the shape of a
wigwam. Entering he's greeted by a gorgeous receptionist whom he asks to take him to Running Cloud, to congratulate him on
his obviously booming business. Running Cloud is stil sat on his cushion smoking. Keen to greet his old acquaintance the
correct way, our chap raises his hand in classic cowboy movie fashion, accompanied by a loud 'how!'
'Johnstone, penalty in the 83rd minute' replies Running Cloud.
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing
next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale
recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim
under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had
jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told
the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are
heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets
take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary
chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says
"I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little stinker, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A man, an ostrich and a cat are sitting in a bar. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have half a beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beers and says "That'll be £3.40 please." And the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly change
for payment.
The next day the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer" and the ostrich says "I'll have the same"
and the cat says "I'll have half a glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until late one evening the trio enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well its close to last
orders, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.
"That'll be £7.20," says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and
offered me 2 wishes.
My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right, whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there" says the man.
The bartender then asks one other thing, "Sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.
Scientists had a theory that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To test their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints
of beer, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively loud without making sense, became emotional and
couldn't drive.
No further testing was required.
An ethical question:
In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question. If you pushed
your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:
A) murder,
B) suicide, or
C) merely making an obscene clone fall
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the
unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
'Why did you do that?' asks a passing giraffe.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.'
'Wow, what a memory!' says the giraffe.
'Yes,' says the elephant. 'Turtle recall.'
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the
father of the child. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping
out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch.
The teacher told the four year olds that she wanted them to use proper English and not baby talk, so she asked the first kid,
"What did you do at the weekend John?"
He replied, "me and mummy went on a choo-choo"
"No - you mean you and your Mother went on a train" said the teacher. "What did you do Jenny?"
"We went to the countryside and saw some baa -lambs Miss"
"No - you saw some sheep. What did you do, Johnny?"
"We also went to the countryside, and saw a field of fuckers" replied Johnny.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" asked the teacher.
"Me Dad said they were heifers, but i knew what he meant!"
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature
and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a £1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £500,000
each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll fuck her again!!!"
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out,
the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will
come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I also say 'no' to her, you will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then
all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so *that's* why
I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honourable and useful reason.
Brian and Sarah are staying in a hotel and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon
as they settle down Brian (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy doops, your little
hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nighty-nighty yet."
Sarah takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Brian jumps up and exclaims in concerned tone, "Oh my precious little honey bunny, is your noseywosey all righty?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, Sarah goes off to the
bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Brian looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner
"A female horth" the dwarf replies
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, Cand I thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nith eyth", says the dwarf, " Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nith teeth, Can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again he picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nith eerth," he say "Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second
before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that!...Can I thee her wun awound?"
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened
to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
Two missionaries are wandering in the jungle, when they are seized by ruthless cannibals. They are brought before the Chief of
the tribe, who informs them that they have two choices "DEATH....or BARUMBA".
"My God," says the very English St.John-Smythe," no matter how bad Barumba is, death is worse! Sir, I choose.... Barumba!"
The chief claps his hands and ten of his mightiest warriors come forward and drop their grass skirts, showing their mighty
wedding tackles. St.John-Smythe is bend over a log and his trousers are ripped off. Then, one by one, the warriors take their
turns pounding his rear loader until, battered and bleeding, he is released, crawling off into the jungle, sobbing in agony.
"Beejesus!" says Mick, the Irish priest, "Barumba is a crime against humanity, I can't allow myself to be defiled in the eyes
of the Lord!"
He stands up defiantly before the chief and says "I choose DEATH!"
At which point, hundreds of men emerge from their huts, the bongos start up and the chanting begins:
"Death! Death! Death By Barumba! Death! Death! Death By Barumba!"
In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it
slices into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge
lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer. then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun, and I will grant you three
wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have
to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money (so he'll never have
to go without a pint of ale), a great golf game,and a great sex life."
A few weeks later the Irishman is out golfing again. As he's walking to the 16th green, he hears a voice calling him from the
woods.
He walks over, and sees the leprechaun again. He asks how his head is feeling. The leprechaun says, "Oh, I'm fine. And might
I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's funny you should ask, but it's been amazing. It seems I can't miss anymore!"
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a twenty punt note" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you,too. And might I ask how your love life is?"
Now the golfer looks around, as if to be sure that no one else can hear,and says in a low voice, "Well, it's been okay."
"Just okay?" the leprechaun asks. "How often do you have sex?"
"Oh, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Only once or twice a week?"
The golfer replies, "Well, that's really quite a lot for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
We're told of a linguistics professor in Canada who was telling his class, "In English, a double-negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language in the world wherein a double-positive can form a negative."
To which, a Scotsman's voice piped up from the back, "Aye, right!"
A man and his wife go on a honeymoon vacation for their 25 anniversary. At the hotel, as the couple reflected on that
magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going
through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife seductively undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A Boy and his dad are at a drugstore. They walk past the condom display and the boy asks, "Dad what are those for?"
The dad replies, "Son they're for safe sex."
The little boy then asks why one box has only 3 condoms. The dad answers, "Because that is for high school boys. One for
Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
The boy then inquires why another box has 6 condoms. The dad explains that it is for college boys. 2 for Friday night, 2 for
Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday night. The boy sees another box of condoms with 12 and asks his dad why.
The dad says, "Son that is for married men. One for January, one for February...."
Chap and wife in pub. Chap goes to bog and returns to his spouse. "You'll never guess what they've got in there", he says.
"Condoms, and just fancy one! They're all different flavours - banana, strawberry, chocolate - they've even got Pina Colada
and whisky flavours!"
"Nip back in and get a packet", says she, "and we'll try them out later!"
So, they're back home and in bed. "Let's play a game", says the guy. "I'll turn out the lights, put on a condom and you have to
guess the flavour".
Lights out. "Ok", says his wife, "cheese and onion!"
"Wait till I get it on first!"
On a senior citizen bus tour, while the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and
whispered in the driver's ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that same day, as the
passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually
harassed!"
This time, he figured he'd better look into it. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question
them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats
and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd
found it twice, but they were parted in the middle and mine is parted on the side!."
A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these
silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your
office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now,
as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"
In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're
things, Eve?" He asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out,
and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported
Eve.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured
you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"
So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has
her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will
immediately create Man from a part of you!"
"Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White
decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest
vehemently because they want to take a bath, too. Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the
splash, you can turn around."
Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps
into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised????
.........SEVEN UP