A guy sticks his head in a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About and hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how
long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Two friends get married on the same day and spend the first night in the same hotel (with their own brides of course).
They get to bragging about how many times they will make love that first night.
"I know" says one "we'll chalk it up on the headboard and in the morning we'll see who does it the most"
First pair make love and husband chalks a mark on the headboard. They do it again - another mark - and again - another mark.
In the morning the other husband bursts in, looks at the head board and shouts "you bastard - hundred & eleven beat me by one!"
Two couples are sharing a honeymoon. After two weeks of non-stop nookie, they are in the bar one night and drunkenly decide
that it might be fun to swap partners.
Next morning the guys are sitting at breakfast and one says to the other, "That was a great idea of yours last night; I can't
wait to find out how the girls got on!"
Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed
he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation
and went home on sick leave.
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy
asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards
instead of your collar."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands
are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are
freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose
is cold."
The girl replied, "put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of
a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replied, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are. The first mouse says,
"I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back &
benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slams down his tequila and glares at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream,
"Hey, ya big Jessie, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse growls, "Home to fuck the cat."
A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.
She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having,
and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me
how it was done -- and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there... and it *hurt*!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give
you the suppository -- I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand,
quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end.
The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
"My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand,
and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he
stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he
drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood ... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last,
despairing tug then yells "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary
suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the
bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be
discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because
since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary,
the patient you saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. "I am so sorry, but she's dead."
Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex
with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie
Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and
very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread
apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making
truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a
man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed
a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison... This just isn't
my day."
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his
congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to
the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The
reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up
to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi, mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a
policeman stopped him.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING......
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month, otherwise it was total
peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to
come... About 5:00..."
"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be
there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and
groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking hell out of each other. The
police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally
brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song,
and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table,
ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll
have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a
little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you
like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband.
"It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time
I asked to borrow a fucking spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to
identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.
Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here
comes Paddy with them two arseholes.'"
A letter from Camp
Dear Mum & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are
worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily,
none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found
Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said
he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know
that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of
the tents did and also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about
the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that
old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We
think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he
lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take
turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster
Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to
drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are
logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink
because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can
still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the
life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to
cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake
and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster
Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got
sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing
his time.
By the way, what is a pedalfile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.
Don't worry about anything we are fine.
Love, Timothy
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the
dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of
him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip
of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
"Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his
drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door,
into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...He should have quit while he was a head!"
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking
very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up
with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under
my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly
dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's
chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred pound note in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came
from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was
poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.
Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy
had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his
siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the
hundred pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
So I grabbed his other hundred and ran like hell.
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day.
Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. In the inflatable corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking
towards him, pulls a knife out and stabs him.
He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the
inflatable school.
He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with
the inflatable police.
Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.
Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to
him.
Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones, "You've let me down; you've let the
school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
There are these two brothers that decide that they are going to start a business making and selling cheese, well they
find a suitable factory and wish to buy it so they go to the bank to try and borrow some cash. The bank manager looks
at their proposal and says that the bank may well be willing to offer them the money but they will need to generate a full
business plan, to which they agree. Just before they leave the manager asks them what they intend to call their cheese.
They say, "Well as we both have red hair and the factory will be in Leicester we thought that we would call it Red Leicester".
The manager informs them that there is already a cheese of that name, at which they are rather annoyed.
Anyway a couple of weeks later they return to the bank and see the manager again. This time they state that the planned
site in Leicester has fallen through but that they have found a new site in Gloucester, and being twins thought they the
name "Double Gloucester" would be good. Again the manager explains that the name is already used for cheese. A bit
disgruntled, the two brothers leave again.
Anyway a couple of weeks later they again return to the bank (For the last time), and thank the manager for his time, but
explain that they will not be needing the money after all, as they have some relative in Israel that are going to lend
them the money and they are going to make the cheese over there.
The Manager asks them what they have done about the name??
"Well" comes the reply, "We got a book that gives all the names of all the cheeses in the world, and every name we came up
with was already taken, so we decided that we would use a generic name".
So what did they come up with??????
"Cheeses of Nazareth"
This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him,he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the
bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop !" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour!"
"Would you ?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you !"
Father Christmas promises him that: -
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing
for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%.
Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you !"
says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man
how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughed the jolly fat gay bastard.
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office
when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw
was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Lab said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes, and I couldn't help myself. I hopped onto her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchanged a sad glance and asked, "So, lethal injection for you, too, huh?"
The Doberman says, "Oh no, I'm here to get my toenails clipped."
Paddy and Seamus were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the Judge.
The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court on Monday."
On Monday, the two guys were back in court. The Judge asked Paddy "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor," replied Paddy, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever".
"17 people?" the Judge asked. "Well, that's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this: .. O o ...and told them this: "The big circle
is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable!" said the Judge.
To Seamus, the Judge asked, "And you, how did you do?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!!! How did you manage to do that?!?!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles ... o O... and said: (pointing to the small circle)
"That's your arse before you go to jail .........."
Diary of a BMW driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with
inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL
as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to
get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an
apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this
lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?) Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along
at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car
ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he
shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a
BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights
in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my
excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper
confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a
superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some
points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3). But the man
at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12
points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!"
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one
called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened
by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is
granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it
invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates
simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and
can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod
to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he
opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St Peter.
"In honor of the season," St Peter says to them, "you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks
them on.
"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.
"They're candles!"
"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of sets of keys. He holds them up
proudly and shakes them.
"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.
"They're bells!"
"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky,
crotchless woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.
"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.
"They're Carol's!"
There was this man and his wife that had gone abroad on holiday and had a great 2 weeks. At the end
of the holiday they had 2 animals that they wanted to bring back to the U.K, a snake and a skunk.
They were trying to figure out ways of getting them through customs and into the U.K without getting
caught. The snake was no problem, the wife just suggested he put it down the front of his trousers and
if the customs said anything he should just say that he was well endowed. Problem solved.
But they just couldn't decide on where to put the skunk. After about 2 hours and getting nowhere the
husband just said, "Look, there's only one thing for it, you'll just have to put it inside your knickers,"
to which the wife replied, "Yes, but what about the smell?"
And the husband said, "Well if it dies, it dies."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram
on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt!
That's when I made my big mistake."
What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come
across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one
too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity".
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will
get in for all eternity".
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scotsman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing
can get in or out."
The Scotsman says, "Fill it up with water."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gram of Charlie a day, a spiff every
night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our
sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."