It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to
thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their
schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife
following him one day later.
The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his
laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an e-mail. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's
e-mail address and sent the e-mail off without realizing his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran pastor
of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her e-mail because she
was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first e-mail, she let out a
loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following e-mail message:
To my loving Wife,
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could
discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little,
and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible
diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson
had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A traveling salesman and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said "I
am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage the
woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she
lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and £1,874. She closed the box and put
it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could
no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you
keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years
you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under
the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road and the fact that you provided a wonderful
life for us financially...temptation does happen so I guess I can accept that.
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man
answered: "Well, whenever the box filled with empties, I'd cash them in ."
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts
over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done
to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets
the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a
head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porch when he sees the roosters running
by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says, "Damn it...third gay rooster I bought this month!"
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and
she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter." Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see,
we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you".
"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell
and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules... " And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to
hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends - fellow executives that she
had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about
old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got in the elevator.
The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours
lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her
24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity" he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell." So St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.
When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up
to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country
club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff....."
Ali G Interview with Elton John
Ali G: Alo! I is ere wiv none uver dan da batty boy of pop, John Elton. Respect.
Elton John: It's Elton John actually Ali.
Ali G: Aiih, whatever. So John, is you always been a batty boy cause I Erd dat you woz once married - although
I also erd dat da missus was mingin?
Elton John: Well Ali if you mean have I always been gay then probably Deep down I was but maybe fought it
because in my younger days especially it was not socially acceptable to be gay.
Ali G: Fer real, but when you was gettin' jiggy did you fink about People like James Dean and that Jonny
Rottweiler who was tarzan so you wouldn't end up wiv a floppy or woz you trisexual and didn't care where you
was stickin' Mr biggy?
Elton John: Again I probably fought hard to convince myself I wasn't gay so I never had a problem maintaining
an erection with women. I now know I am homosexual so I would probably struggle to get aroused with a woman now.
Ali G: Wow, I fink I might be homosexual then cause Mr biggy wasn't Coming out to play last Saturday night
although ma Julie says it woz coz I drank a bottle of Dan Jackiels and had about 6 spliffs. I fink it woz coz
me Julie isn't very subtractive now in fact she's a dog.
Elton John:I think you're Julie was right - it takes one to know one.
Ali G: Wot, is you saying me Julie is a batty boy? Nah, the bitch won't take it up the exit hole, I've tried
slipping it in a few times. Happarently Julie is too nice a girl for batty sex but she's not too Nice for a
threesome wiv me mate Dave - it woz wicked!
Elton John: Well a lot of women are not keen on anal sex just as I know some gay men who are not keen on
it either. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to like it - there are other ways to express
yourself sexually with another man.
Ali G: Eh? Like fellatilatio you mean or gaelic.
Elton John: Gaelic?
Ali G: Aiih, gaelic. When batty boys lick each other.
Elton John: Sure, oral sex is one way of pleasing a lover but sensual massage can be very enjoyable for
example.
Ali G: But dat is a bit rank innit - ah mean you need to lose you're orange juice or what is da point?
Anyways enough talk about homosapiens - I hear dat you spend killions of dosh every year on shopping. Is dat
because you is a feminist?
Elton John: I do spend a lot of money on shopping yes but I wouldn't describe myself as a feminist.
Ali G: But I thought dat all gay people were feminists?
Elton John: Eh?
Ali G: Chill. Anyway, is you related to dat lefty comedian Ben Elton Cause I fink he is rank.
Elton John: No, I told you before my name is Elton John and not John Elton.
Ali G: Cool, woz your parents spaced out when dey named you?
Elton John: No, that's not my real name but my stage name. Many Performers change their names to try to sound
more appealing to the public. Take Gary Glitter for example, his name is really Paul Gadd - can you imagine the
same guy selling so many records as Paul Gadd or me as Reg Dwight.
Ali G: Nah, but I can imagine him taking some poor kiddies up the Gary Glitter coz he's a paedovile innit.
Anyways, talkin of sickos - how's Yer mate George Michael - I would never let my son go down on him the perverted
bastard.
Elton John: OK so George made a mistake - anyway I thought you said Enough of the gay talk. I'd much rather
you concentrated on another aspect of me.
Ali G: Me know what you is saying, sorry Mr Elton. OK then, does you not fink dat you looks rank wearing a
wig? Ah mean you looked a total dick in the seventies wiv da shades but everyone looked like dicks in da seventies.
Elton John: If you're going to insult me any more I will walk out of the interview - I can put up with a lot
but you're going too far
Ali G: Chill Johnny, no offence. OK - you re-wrote dat Candle in the Wind song when Princess Di got wasted,
do you fink she was incinerated by da SAS on da Queens orders or do you fink it woz just down to dat pissed
French c*nt.
Elton John: Really Ali, Princess Diana was a very dear personal friend Of mine whom I loved very much - I
don't want to discuss it.
Ali G: You loved her, but how could you if you is a batty boy? Is she a femisist or somefink?
Elton John: (Elton leaves the room)
Ali G: Nil respect to da menstral batty boy of pop - some people is just too sensidine. It must be all da
years hangin wiv da homosapiens and havin his batty bashed. Anyways I is off for some erbal remedy wiv me boyz
westside. Boyakasha
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the
medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off,
chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the
chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to
help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Two men die and they meet at the entrance to heaven. One says to the other, "How did you die?".
The other replied, "I had a heart attack. How did you die?".
"I froze to death. How did your heart attack happen?".
"Well, I suspected the wife was having an affair so I arranged to go home early. I ran up stairs, and there
she was on the bed with a smug look on her face. So I searched the room but found nothing. I ran downstairs and
searched the kitchen, living room, garden and the shed, but still found nothing. I ran back upstairs and searched
the other rooms and the bathroom, then ran up to the attic and had a heart attack. So how did yours happen?", he asked.
"You didn't check the freezer."
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want
- They rarely listen to you
- They are totally unpredictable
- When you want to play, they want to be alone
- When you want to be alone, they want to play
- They expect you to cater to their every whim
- They are moody
- They leave hair everywhere
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats
A women walks in to a off licence and says, "Can I have a bottle of rum, vodka, whiskey, bacardi and 10 cases
of beer."
The shopkeeper looks at her and says, "You having a party?"
She says, "Yes it's my birthday. Can you guess how old I will be?"
The shopkeeper looks her up and down and says, "30"
She replys, "I will be 50."
He says, "Well you look good for it"
Next she heads in to the butchers and says, "Can I have a pound of bacon, sausage, pork and chicken."
The Butcher asks, "You having a party?"
She says, "Yes it's my birthday. Can you guess how old I will be?"
He looks her up and down and says, "35"
She tells him how old she will be he says, "Well you look good for it."
Next, she gos in to the fruit store and says, "Can i have a pound of apples, pears, peachs, plums and bananas."
The fruit man says to her, "You having a party?"
She says, "Yes it's my birthday. Can you guess how old I will be?"
He walks up to her, pulls out her breast and has a suck. Then he bends her over the counter and has his way
with her. The he says, "50".
She says, "How the hell did you guess?"
He answers, "I was in the queue behind you in the off licence"
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said, "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."
The Scot goes, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?", say the children
The Scot said, "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here."
So the Scot gets up and says, "Then why the hell is the light on in the kitchen?"
Bannockburn, 1314. The English army arrives to lift the siege of Stirling castle. Between them and the castle
lies a small wood. The English halt, fearing an ambush. Suddenly, a wee ginger bloke appears out of the wood,
bares his backside at the English and yells "C'mon then, ya bams, Ah'll tak ye all."
Edward II is outraged, and dispatches 20 of his knights to silence the Scot. They chase him into the
concealment of the wood and terrible screaming and crashing ensues. Silence falls.
The little Scot emerges from the wood, one eye swelling up. "Is that all ye've got? Bring it on!"
Edward is enraged, and sends 300 men after the Scot. Again, he disappears into the wood, and the English
follow into the darkness. The clashing and yelling goes on for half an hour. At long last, the wee Scot emerges
with a thick ear and a bloody nose. "C'mon then, Eddie, one at a time or all at once, send 'em on," he taunts.
The apoplectic Edward sends 2000 men to finish him off. In goes the charge, and again the Scot vanishes
into the wood, closely pursued by the English knights. A horrid clanging and thumping goes on for two long hours,
until finally a lone English knight comes staggering back out alone, bloodied and battered. He drags himself
back to Edward and collapses at his feet. With his last breath, he gasps, "Sir, it's a trap. There's *two* of them!"
RailCrack Announces National Lottery Bid
Railway operator RailCrack has today announced a surprise late bid to run the national lottery.
"We've been running a fucking lottery on the rail network for years", said Ronnie Corbett, RailCrack's Chief
Executive, "so this is a natural progression".
Under the proposals, a player will buy a "season ticket" to make five return journeys a week at peak times.
"You nominate timetabled trains for each day, and if all ten come in on time and in one piece you win the jackpot",
he said, "a reserved seat in first class for the rest of your life, or a year, whichever is shorter".
Corbett confirmed that RailCrack were going to be giving over a significant amount of money to good causes, "..
things like leaves on the line, floods and vandalism - These are good causes that we can blame on other people, as
opposed to bad causes like dodgy track or faulty signalling, which we're in danger of being held responsible for
ourselves".
RailCrack is the main player in the Crashalot consortium formed for the franchise bid. Other backers include
US software giant Micro$haft who promise to put in new machines that make buying a ticket a lottery in itself.
Crashalot are also planning a special "Rollover" game, where players pick the next scheduled train service
they think will roll over.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he
picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a
bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is
watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
God's sitting up in heaven, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's
decided to go on holiday. He calls all his friends up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions.
"What about Mars?" says one of them.
"Nah, I went there 15,000 years ago", says God. "It was shit, no atmosphere, too dusty and there was a Lions
convention in town that kept pissing me off."
"What about Pluto?" suggests another.
"Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago", says God. "Absolutely freezing and none of the ski lifts were in
operation".
"What about Mercury then?" says another.
"Its nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, didn't put any sunscreen on and nearly burnt my bollocks off
it was that hot, never again" says God.
"Well what about Earth then?" suggests another.
"You must be joking," says God. "I went there about 2,000 years ago, shagged some Jewish bird and they're still
fucking talking about it."
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their
separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The
first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As
soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first
tree I saw. I don't even have any insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my
husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down and couldn't remember the number for 999"
The room was silent for a moment while the women contemplated who was truly the drunkest one the night
before. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?"
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the
driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on
my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job? .......and she's always sound asleep."
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I
assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in
the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife
thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman
at the club greets them and says, "Hey,Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable
and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your
usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting
into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby
turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on
the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're
married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own fucking blanket.
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper
smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all
those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Background: Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to
her radio show. Recently, she said that homosexuality is an abominaton according to Leviticus 18:22 and
cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr.Laura penned by a US resident
and also posted on the Internet:-
Dear Dr. Laura
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your
show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws
and how to follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9).
The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do
you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness
(Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased
from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to
death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser
abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit
that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this
is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football
if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his
wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of tHRead (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to
stone them?(Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
X Mas Punch
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 Large eggs
Nuts
1 Bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK. Try
another cup .... just in case. Turn off the mixerer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.
Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Three deaf men on a train.
First man says "Is this 'Wembley?"
Second man replies "No, it's Thursday."
Third man adds "So am I. Let's have a drink."
A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying
asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!"
But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother."
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a
jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You prick, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
Bob goes into the public toilet and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As
Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take
a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs,
scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob
then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for a check-up and were all knitting
garments for their respective babies. Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch,
pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?" the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. Good for mummy, good for little baby," she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all three continue with their knitting. Five minutes later, the second one stops knitting,
checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?" the other two inquire. "Vitamin tablet," she replies, "Good for mummy, good for little
baby," and she pats her stomach affectionately.
All three smile and continue busily with their knitting. Five minutes later, the last woman stops knitting,
checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?" ask the other two. "Thalidomide," she said. "I can't knit sleeves."
It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag
of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things
he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up.
"It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"
Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should
be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."
Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.
And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of
leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles
of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully,
have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open
heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second
time?"
"Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you over for
someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and he gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what
about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club, and you were missing 53
votes..."
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and
they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it
doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel
stuff is great. We should do this more often!"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . "
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No . . . "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
When a guy's printer tape began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed
him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he
told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candour, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if
we let people try to fix things themselves first."
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a
bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom
was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said, "Good till the last
drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack. "Extra Long.
King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went
by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting
were the words "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages
fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.
The ad said, "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have
one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as with
the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is
very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most
gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on ... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all
of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Three Chinese men were standing at the Pearly gates. St Peter appeared, and said to them, "Before you get
into heaven, you must prove your strength by lifting that boulder over there."
The first man went over to it, and lifted it over his head with no trouble at all.
"Ok, said St Peter. In you go."
The second man struggled, strained, and eventually lifted it off the ground.
"Thats good enough", said the Saint.
The third man went to it, but couldn't make it budge.
"Well", said St Peter. "You are the weakest chink. Goodbye"
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am
ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next
door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes eight."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to
acquire some equipment."
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers,
and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves
airborne. We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has
joined us as well."
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19
attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last
spoke, my army has increased to two million men."
"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."