What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
What is the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
A psychic dwarf has recently escaped from Belmarsh prison. Police say the public should watch out for a small medium at large.
What do you call a Scotsman who is nearly home?
Hamish
What do you call a Scotsman with no dog?
Douglas
Have you heard that Tampax are bringing out a tampon with bells on...
Specially for the Christmas period!!
What's the best cure for seasickness?
Sit under a tree!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you drink with that?
What do you call an artist with brown fingers?
Pickarsehole
A man goes up to a woman and says "excuse me, your child is spoiled."
"No he is not" replies the woman.
"You think so? Come and see what the combine harvester did to him!"
I once had sex with a woman whom I though was wearing a femidom. Turns out she'd just forgotten to take her
tights off.
Once when I made love to a woman, her toes curled up. I though I was a great lover until she took her tights
off.
Once when I made love to woman, the lights were out and I reached for the little square packet. That night,
I was the only man to make love wearing an after dinner mint.
Q. Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A. Because she didn't have any arms.
Q. Whats brown and sits at the piano?
A. Beethoven's first movement.
Two blokes walking their dogs through a graveyard.
1st man "Morning"
2nd man "nah ....just walking the dog"
Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order.
"Is that the usual?", the man asked.
"Yes, deep pan, crisp and even"
Japan has banned ALL animal movements after discovering some nibbled beds in Tokyo
........they think it could be an outbreak of FUTON MOUSE disease!!!!
2 cows in a field - how do you know which one's got foot and mouth?
The other one's not on fire.
3 tampons are walking down the road - a lil-let, a tampax regular and a tampax super. Which says hello first?
None because they're all stuck up cunts
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipe his bum
Why do women have tits?
So you've got something to look at when you're taking to them
Have you heard about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse!
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone juststares
at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought
"That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you
earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen,
it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?'
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent. I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought
'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
A man walked into the doctors.
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to
do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You shouldn't have to. She has a spare on the oven and another on the microwave.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,"I haven't eaten anything in four days.
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.
Jesus goes into a hotel, puts two 6-inch nails on the table and says "Put us up for the night".
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse."
"How's that?" "Hey! Don't you start!"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A happy Rottweiler !!
Two elephants walk off a cliff.....
boom boom!
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!
What Ticks on the wall?
Ticky Paper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?". And a voice
said "You are."
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd
popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and
for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking
for the man who shot my paw."
Have you heard the rumours that Snow White has been banished from Disney due
to allegations that she has been sitting on Pinochios face saying 'lie
bastard lie'
"Mummy, mummy, why am I going round in circles?"
"Shut up, or I'll nail yer other foot to the floor!"
Mummy mummy, can I lick the bowl ?
No , just pull the chain like other people do!
Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?
I dunno, ask your dad.
"Mummy mummy, can I have a spoon?"
"why?"
"Cause the cat's been sick and Tommy's getting all the big bits!"
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Just let the bitch cook in the dark.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing that you haven't told her twice already!!
Apparently, you can now get Viagra eye-drops. They do nothing for your
sex life but they make you look fucking hard.
What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common?
You wait one hour for a two minute ride!
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to Pull a
fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Brad Pitt ".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a
pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
he's bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to Pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of Seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it Was
Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest
to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out The night
before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with A red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I Asked for
a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a Competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril It will
give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman if he has seen his
brother come into the bar today. "I don't know" said the barman. "What
does he look like?"
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The bartender says... "What is this? some kind of a joke?"
Man walking across a field and see's a man walking towards him with a
dog As he gets closer he says..."is that a gun dog?"
The dog replies..."no...it's a knife"
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad parachutist?
Bad Golfer : Whack "Fuck!"
Bad Parachutist : "Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!" Whack!
What is the difference between a diamond ring and David Beckham?
Nothing. They both come in a posh box
70s joke: What's the difference between John Lennon and Cheesy Quavers?
Nothing. They both come in a yellow bag.
Q. What do you call a septic cat?
A. Pus.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the washing up doesn't get done.
Pupil: "Miss, miss I've just wet myself"
Teacher: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"
Pupil: "I did, but it ran through my fingers"
Girl: "Mum, I'm pregnant"
Mum: "For God's sake, why didn't you use the pill?"
Girl: "I did, but it kept falling out"
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.
Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and Sprays the gas all over the car.
Do you know how Yorkshiremen practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung.
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.
How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
What is the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Why don't men fake orgasm?
'Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
Stevie Wonder just got a Cheesgrater for his Birthday, he said it
was the most violent book he's ever read.
What is the best thing about a blow job ??
The five minutes of silence
What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.
What's the difference between erotic and perverted?
Erotic is when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
What's the difference between a poofter and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your meat.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them
and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend
dental medication.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A body of a man was found in a pizza restaurant last night.
He was covered in tomatoes, mushrooms and cheese.
Police think he topped himself.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalottopuss
I heard on the radio this morning that a policeman had arrested a battery and a fart.
The battery was charged but the fart was let off.
"My parents went to a planet where the dominant lifeforms lack bilateral symmetry and all I got was this lousy F-shirt!"
Out of every 10 people , one understands binary and the other doesn't
"What goes Ooooooooo?"
A cow with no lips
What's the difference between a mountain goat and a pigeon ?
One mucks up fountains.