What men really mean
- "It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
- "Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
- "We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
- "It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
- "That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
- "You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
- "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
- "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
- "I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
- "You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
- "You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
- "We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
How to speak about women and be "Politically Correct"
- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
- She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
- She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
- She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
How to speak about men and be "Politically Correct"
- He does not have a BEER GUT - He has a GRAIN BYPRODUCT STORAGE FACILITY.
- He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
- He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
- He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He SEEKS GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
- He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He is prone to INVOLUNTARY GRAVITATIONAL STABILITY SYNDROME.
- He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
- He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
10 Commandments of a Teenager
- Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait that long)
- Thou shall not do drugs. (alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
- Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Walmart has a bigger selection)
- Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
- Thou shall not steal from your parents. (everyone knows grandma has more money)
- Thou shall not get into fights. (Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
- Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
- Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more)
- Thou shall not think about having sex. (like Nike says, "just do it")
- Thou shall not help old ladies across the street. (just leave'm in the middle)
Military Wisdom
- A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular
in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps
- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
- "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen. Douglas MacArthur
- "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
- "You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Corps
- "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
- "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie
- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
- "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
- "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
- "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon
- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
- "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Tech Sgt
Airline Humour
After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered
with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics
read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next
flight of that plane can review the form before taking off.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and responses
(P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers).
Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative in Off mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Anagrams
- David Ginola - Vagina dildo
- Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash
- Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
- Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
- Tony Blair PM - I'm Tory plan B
- Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
- Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
- David Mellor - Dildo marvel
- Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
- The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
- Benson and Hedges - NHS been a god send
- Selina Scott - Elastic snot
- Mel Gibson - Big melons
- Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise
- Chris Rea - Rich arse
- Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
- Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
- Evangelist - Evil's Agent
- The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
- Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
- Semolina - Is No Meal
- A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
- Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
- President Clinton, of the USA - To copulate, he finds interns
- Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
These were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling. Even funnier
read aloud to someone else!
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate
of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a female moth.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted "hurrah."
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in
Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an
old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the
world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
- Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.