Craig's Joke Lists Page (6 of 7)

Poo Classifications

THE GHOST POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.

THE CLEAN POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.

THE WET POO
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE POO
This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN POO
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG POO
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS POO
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID POO
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD POO
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO
A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK POO
This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO
This is any poo created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM POO
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO POO
Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC POO
This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO
This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.

PREMEDITATED POO
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

POOZOPHERENIA
Fear of pooing - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO
Also known as a "Still Going" poo.

THE POWER DUMP POO
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.)

THE SPINAL TAP POO
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POO
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE POO
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POO
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" POO
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE "YOU'VE GOT POO ON YOUR SHOES, YOU POO SHOE BASTARD" POO
No explanation required.

Standard Units of Measurement

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel & smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mph: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram

You Know You're Addicted To Cycling if....

You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"
You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike...you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.
You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers
You refuse to buy a settee because that patch of wall space is taken up by the bike.
You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is their bicycle.
You empathize with the roadkill.
You use wax on your chain, but not on your legs (girls).
You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys).
Your current bike is older than your grown up children.
You yell "Car!" when passing another car, and "Bump!" when you see a pothole - while driving your car.
Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.
You wear your bike shorts swimming.
Your bikes are worth more than your car.
When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.
You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.
You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.
You're on the Board of Directors for a Bike Club.
You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.
You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don't have any problems at all meeting your mates at 5:30 AM for a hundred-miler.
You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it's to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a hundred-miler.
You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.
Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.
When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.
Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering for your bike.
You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour bike ride on Saturday.
There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead...
You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.

Delia's Way / The Real Women's Way

1) Delia's Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2) Delia's Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way

Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

3) Delia's Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way

Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4) Delia's Way

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Women's Way

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

5) Delia's Way

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way

It could keep forever. Who eats it?

6) Delia's Way

Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way

Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.

7) Delia's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead, the throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit?

8) Delia's Way

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way

What's the point of blokes then?

And finally the most important tip -

9) Delia's Way

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way

Leftover wine????

15 things to do at the store while your significant other is taking their time

Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares', ... and see what happens.
Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through say 'PICK ME!! PICK ME!!!!'
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ..'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'

Answers given by contestants on Family Fortunes

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorise - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels

You know you're living in 2003 when...

You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
You learn about your redundancy on the 11o'clock news.
Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

Fun things to do in the office

Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution. Read on...

ONE POINT GAGS

Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time) then say "Geez, that burns".
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good".
8. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
In the middle of a meeting shout out "Yahtzee".
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE POINT GAGS

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him or her with double barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice.)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.(There must be a non-player in sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT GAGS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation , turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
Announce in a meeting that you really have to go do a number two.
After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up."
At lunchtime, get down on your hands and knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary , write in 10am "See how I look in tights"
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask " You wanna trade?".
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now.
While talking to a colleague, pick your nose and eat the bogey.
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, " I can't talk about it."
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky pig etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two foot piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Tuck one trouser leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now and walk away."

David Brent's Office Wisdom

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
Put the key of despair into theay in the average office.
It's the team that matters. Where would The lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a dBeatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'.
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
Remember the 3 golden rules:
a) It was like that when I got here.
b) I didn't do it.
c) (To your Boss) I like your style.
The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?
Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....
You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

Dilbert-isms

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
"My Boss spent the entire week end retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
"As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. "The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. "Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

Tips for Dental Hygiene

Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
Contrary to what today's kids think, it is not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth.
Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
If you wear dentures, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are such a lazy fuck that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.

Tips for headache sufferers

Millions of people regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain.

Though disputed by conventional Western medicine, the ancient Chinese art of kneecap-smashing may distract you from your headache.
The surest method of headache prevention is to develop a working time machine, go back to 1988, and marry a different woman who doesn't nag your ass into the ground about where you were all night and who was there with you and were you drinking.
No matter how bad your head hurts, do not under any circumstances attempt to remove it.
Many popular herbal headache remedies exist, including valerian and kava kava, but be advised that they don't do shit.
Headaches can get so bad that, in some cases, doctors prescribe morphine or methadone. A better way to look at this is that headaches can get so good that doctors prescribe morphine or methadone.
If you have a severe headache, you likely have five or six throbbing red lightning bolts behind your sinuses. Neutralize them with a soothing, bluish, glowing orb.
A key to headache prevention is avoiding getting Starship's "We Built This City" stuck in your head.
If you suspect that your headache is a migraine, ask yourself: Does the prospect of having a double-barreled shotgun inserted in your anus and discharged fill you with thoughts of blessed, eternal relief? If so, it's probably a migraine.
Headache sufferers, be advised that episodes can easily be triggered by stress, improper diet, or people constantly chiming in with their useless fucking headache advice.

Apocryphal Metaphors from Student Essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on £1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in his first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you woke up their were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk emails.

3 star hangover ***

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a liter of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems, (depending on your gender.) Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - Home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe .......very gently.

6 star hangover ******

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your, room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

Important points to note when ordering pipes - please keep to specifications.

All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by a solid material which is centered around the hole.
All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length to that of the surrounding material.
The ID (inside diameter) of all the pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside and the pipe will be referred to as rod.
All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
Pipe is sometimes supplied without rust; this can be applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3 mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as "washers".
Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or vitreous clay pipes.
Other items are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, Duct, Culvert, Straw or Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
When shortening pipes, ensure to shorten the length. Shortening the height or width produces two troughs, which are open ended holes.

What the Haynes Manual Really Means

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer....anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage For whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!

The facts about Marriage

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelors Degree and the woman gets her masters.
Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That's true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Only 40 percent of married men cheat in Europe, the rest cheat in other parts of the world.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the 'Y' becomes silent.
"I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always."
It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all, money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then POW! it was all gone"
"What happened?", asked his friend.
He says "My Wife found out"
WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you waering your ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I married the wrong man"
Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
They say women have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!

10 things you'll wish you didn't know

During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces