Craig's Joke Lists Page (5 of 7)

Darwin Award Honourable Mentions

These people are not eligible for a Darwin Award, having not been successful in removing themselves from the Gene Pool, but do deserve a mention anyway

In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

More Darwin Awards

In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, as attempting to give the wailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents at happen."

The Rules of Combat

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery. When that doesn't work, call for an air strike.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a) when they're ready, b) when you're not.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuses always burn in three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
When your fear of the plane overcomes your fear of the ejection seat, its time to 'punch out.'
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defence motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one [bullet] with your name on it; it's the one [bullet or shrapnel] addressed 'to whom it may concern' or 'occupant' that you've got to worry about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps...printed at different scales.
If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of Battle Dress Uniforms is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack.. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honour.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.
Beer Math - 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
Body count Math - 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater the average grunt can throw it.
All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
The crucial round is a dud.
Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
Walking point = sniper bait.
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The Quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
All battles are fought uphill.
All battles are fought in the rain.
Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare.
What gets you promoted from one rank, gets you killed in the next rank.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
"War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact." -- attributed to Napoleon
Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank.
Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy.
Only numbers can annihilate.
Always know when to get out of 'Dodge'.
Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
Always honour a threat.
The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant.
Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.
All warfare is based upon deception.
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
Snow is not neutral.
The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.
Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained or held on the battlefield.
War is the unfolding of miscalculations.
Perfect is the enemy of good enough.
He who wants to defend everything defends nothing.
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
Artillery add dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
Minefields are not neutral. They attack both enemies.
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.
More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.

The differences between Men and Women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Goodwill, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Mobile Phone Golden Rules

Having a funky tune on your mobile doesn't make you trendy. It annoys people and makes them think that your kids have been messing with your phone.
When you are on a mobile, remember... other people can hear you, and more than likely hear the person at the other end.
Always work out the key sequence to change the phone back to english. There is always some comedian who changes it to German.
When being the afore said comedian, change the language to arabic... they won't even be able to guess the sequence.
Never pretend to speak to someone on your phone, it WILL ring and you will look like the cock that you are.
Never write anything dodgy in a text message, you just know you will send it to the wrong person!
Men should never agree to do something with their spouses via a text message. It will be saved as evidence so you can't use the "I never did..." line.
Yes, the trigger happy, "HELLO?!" sketch was funny, it isn't when you do it.
Everyone has a mobile nowadays... there is no one to show off to anymore so turn the ring volume down.
Never answer a mobile whilst talking to someone, you instantly become a twat.

Rules for the ladies

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Print this out and remember it. And don't moan. If you're a Man pass to your partner for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge!

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl now. If it's up - put it down. We need it up - you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Saturday = sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair - ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then your stuck with her.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one - subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
Most men own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Check your oil! Please.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done but Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and stop whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the offside rule, or motor bikes.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
No you really do have too many shoes.
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Things for you to ponder

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?

A Man's Answers to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
How can men sit on their arses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
Why can't men jusy say "I love you"?
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
Why won't men pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

Learn Korean in 5 Minutes

That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia
Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
Give it to me baby............................Suk Mai Dong
England will win the World Cup...............No Fu Kin Wai
Whos been eating all the pies?................Yo Fat Wan Ka

The Rules of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Life's rules

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher Mum or Dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You cant respect a man who carries a dog.
Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Moles are always smaller than you imagine.
Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.
Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

Sporting Commentator Gaffs

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack -- will you stay in football?"
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..."
"I would not say he is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..."
"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
"They have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."
"He wasn't just facing one defender -- he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."
"...an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side."
"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots."
"That' twice now he has got between himself and the goal."
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..."
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
"And I suppose they are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..."
"I never make predictions and I never will."
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it."
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."
"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them."
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun."
"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
"In comparison, there's no comparison."
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play"
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized"
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival'
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
" ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs"
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that"
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"
"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion"
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them"
"One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them"

Ten Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet

Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon
into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the cubicle where the person in the next cubicle can see it.
Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before. ......"
Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit, my glass eye!!"