Craig's Joke Lists Page (4 of 7)

Tips from Employees to their Managers

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much tax on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Words women use

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Things people said in court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

If we Believed Everything in the Movies

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Late 20's, early 30's symptoms

You leave gigs before the encore to "beat the rush".
You own a lawnmower.
You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section
You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
Flicking through Heat magazine makes you too tired to go out.
Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
You start to worry about your parents' health.
You complain that ecstacy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.
Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
Pop music all starts to sound crap.
You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
You always have enough milk in.
To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q
You wish you had a shed.
You have a shed.
You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of Course, in my day...."
Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on you know.
Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on pissing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in.
You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

Ali G Driving Tips

"I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me desided to get a real driving licence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruce Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonnalds). Wicked"

Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe.

You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (Me mate Dave will sell ya one for ?20 - Just tell 'im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best (be carefull that the clutch pedal don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid the instructer.

Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive.

Its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats 1 in 2 people in the UK), you will not be able to drive. Batty men shouldn't drive either.

Tip 3 - Drinking and Driving.

You should never drink drive (not even if its rainin'). You could 'it A bump an' spill ya drink - Aye. No, me is messin', don't do it.

Tip 4 - Listen for your Instructer.

If you can hear your instructer shouting at you, then your music aint Loud enough you is probably listening to the wrong music, may I suggest Drum And Bass or Rap.

Tip 5 - Use the proper equipment.

When your instructer asks you to start the car, remember that you is supposed to use the proper key, not a screwdriver.

Tip 6 - Changing Gears.

This is an important part of drivin' and I hope you is payin' attention. There are two main gears you will use, thats 4 and 5. I suggest using 5th in residental areas, and 4th if you is driving on a field or somthin'.

Tip 7 - Braking and Corners

Braking and corners 'ave a lot in common. You need to be usin' the Handbreak for both.

Tip 8 - Correct Signaling

Remember that the horn and headlights aint just for gettin' the attention of that bitch wid the short skirt. They is best used to cuss at other drivers if they is goin' too slow (ie 90 mph).

Tip 9 - Advanced warning signs and Speed limits

I aint sure what these things are. You can make about £30 stealing them though. AYE!

Tip 10 - Dat's it, you is now a safe driver. You will be able to spend hours sat In the carpark at MFI wid da Drum and Bass pumpin out.

Insurance Claim Forms

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog out and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and and elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Signs You're a Cockney Bastard

You say 'mate' constantly.
You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.
Anyone from outside London and north of Watford is a 'Northern Wanker'.
You have no idea where the North is.
You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
The countryside makes you nervous.
Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
American tourists no longer annoy you.
You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car.
You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

Signs You're a Manchester Tosser

You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
You support Man City out of principle.
You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
You won't pay more than 1.50 for a wrap of skag
People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is

Signs You're a Scouse Git

You have an urge to steal.
You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.

Signs You've Been in Glasgow Too Long

You say 'pish' all the time.
You say 'aye' all the time.
You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.
You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish by the way'.
You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
You punch everybody you meet.
You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
You are incomprehensible.
People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

Signs You've Been in Dublin Too Long

You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
You say "Your man" all the time.
You say "Your woman" all the time.
You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.

Signs You've Been in Cardiff Too Long

You are still there

Signs You've Been in Aberdeen Too Long

All women, no matter how ugly, look attractive. So do sheepskin rugs...
Every heterosexual bloke is obviously a poof
You wear your dull winter clothes all year round
When you say "Fit" your either talking about your foot or asking "what?"
You have a new disease called "Chilli, Chips and Cheese Syndrome"
You glare aggressively at everyone on the street
You own a Subaru Imprezza
You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing any word from the Oxford English Dictionary - emphasis on "English"
The world outside Aberdeen simply doesn't exist
A good night out is getting drunk with hundreds of blokes, having a fist fight with an ugly woman then snaffling a dodgy kebab on the way home

30 ways to make ordering pizza fun!

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Use those bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRANIAN PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD "Chop your pizza on a mirror!" "Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Change your accent every three seconds.
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate it if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Order two toppings, then say, "No they'll start fighting."
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Start the conversation with "My call to (pizza place), Take 1, and...action!"
When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOOMPH this time."
After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat."
When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Dance all around the word "pizza". Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
Have a movie with a good car chase playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

XP Error Messages

000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send ?75 to Upgrade Your Error
005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
015 - Error Message Deleted
016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
01E - Please Insert Your Favourite Error Here
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Motoring Terminology

Ghost Cars.
People who park up at traffic lights and leave more than a whole cars length in front of them. It just means that some poor bugger at the back of the queue is not going to get through the lights.

Ghost lines.
People who park after the white line at traffic lights. Are they blind? In these situations pedestrians should be allowed to scramble over the cars, or go through them.

Granddad drivers.
And people that drive like Granddads. Using main beam at every opportunity, even though they are only doing 30-35mph in a 60 zone. Crawling along at a snails pace even on the straight bits. Performing Bob's mobile disco every time another car approaches in the opposite direction.

Bob's mobile disco.
People that don't understand friction and drag. Cars DO slow down on their own you know!!! You don't have to jump on the fucking brakes every time the car in front slows a bit, or there is a slight curve in the road. I mean, flashing the brakes on for 0.5 S can't actually be doing anything, these people must be doing the flamenco on the pedals!

Psychic Drivers.
So you need to get into the gap? Well put your FrIKin InDIcaTOrS oN ThEN!!!! I mean, if you indicate, I'll let you in. Do you think it is less of an inconvenience to me if you just dive in suddenly?!?! I can't read your mind, because there is nothing happening up there.

Magnetic Armco.
Why do people have do come on at a slip road and then be in the outside lane within 40 yards? Chill dude! Just ease across as the gaps appear. Sometimes it's like having a bloody crossroads on the motorway when cars come cutting across virtually perpendicular to you.

Road blocks
Rules of wagon driving. Where x = number of lanes, fill x-1 lanes with lorries moving in the range of 58.8 - 60.1 mph.

Sandwich driving.
Rules of car driving. Where small gap appears between two 40 ton lorries, nip in at the last minute. I'm sure that those lorries are as easy to stop as a Ford Fiesta.

Single lane roads.
Those broken white line are lane separators, they don't indicate the middle of the road. When on 4 lane A roads, try and stay in your own bit on the corners.

Imaginary cars.
Not to be confused with ghost cars. These are the cars that people stop for at roundabouts. Well, I can't see them anyway, unless they were stopping for the car that is on the opposite side and will eventually get round here in about 20 seconds or more.

Drain pipes
Just a personal one this. Just to point out, those 5" exhausts look reeeaaalllly crap. I mean....reeaallllllly. Though they do give me a laugh.

Stationary oncoming vehicles?
See that bike/moped? See that oncoming car? Well, they're both moving, and so are you. Try and engage your brain and ease off so that you reach the bike/moped just as the other car has passed. If you don't have enough brain power to do this, then just scream up to the back of it, slam on the brakes at the last minute, forget to change down and then pull out round it into the next oncoming vehicle with your foot to the floor in fifth gear.

Race tracks.
errrmmm, no. It's actually a car park, with lot's of people walking about with shopping. And contrary to your own belief's, you can't see through cars. Slow down and stop being a tosser.

Imaginary traffic.
Not to be confused with imaginary cars or ghost cars. These people drive along the M40 at 2:00am in the middle lane. Look. Why should I have to veer over to the third lane just to get past you? I don't mind this so much on motorways like the M6 where you do tend to come across more slow moving lorries.
Also see 'Delayed reactions'

Delayed Reactions
OK, so there was a slight mist 2 days ago. It should be safe to turn your fog lights off now. Maybe? Often these conditions seem to persist whilst overtaking imaginary traffic.

Eat more carrots.
So you can't see with out your 'driving light's on? Well eat more carrots, or stay in at night. For fucks sake, you see people driving round town with them on. Anyone doing this should be stopped by the police and have them smashed out.

Over courteous numptys.
Don't let them in!!!!!
I mean, I'm behind you and I'm the last person in the flow of traffic. If you just keep going, they will have plenty of time to pull out. Or of course you could slam on the brakes when I'm not expecting it and risk a pile up, when the person pulling out was probably just waiting for us all to go past anyway. Alternatively, at traffic lights, you get them trying to let people in as soon as the lights go green, then they sit there waving at them to let them in, whilst the other person sits there on another planet, as you sit there watching the light's turn red again.

Four wheeled motorised bicycles.
It's a bike lane. If you are in a vehicle with four wheels, an engine and a steering wheel, chances are, you are driving a car. MOVE OVER YOU MOR0N!!!

Bus fighting.
He's in a bus. It's bigger than you. It's heavier than you. He doesn't really care if he runs into you. Just let him out.

Parking places.
That black and white striped thing is not a parking space.

Safe parking areas.
So, double yellow lines, what's that all about then. It's not OK for me to park there, but it IS OK for a disabled person? Either it is OK to park or it isn't. They should have disable parking only area's. No one should be parked on double yellows.

PHYSICS PRODUCT WARNINGS

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

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NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

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COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

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