Craig's Joke Lists Page (3 of 7)

Female Key Words Decoded

"Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
"Five Minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the bin, so women feel it's an even trade.
"Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be that the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want, because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talke to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still, often, a verbal statement very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" is one of the few things that men actually understand. It means that she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move, or breathe, in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
"Oh"
This word - followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that" or "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement - run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it or you'll get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead".)
"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for whatever you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks"
The woman is just thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
"Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks a Lot is dramatically different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really mad at you. It is usually follwed by the "Loud Sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Answering Machine Messages

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello. I am Matt's answering machine. What are you?
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you

Signs

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PREPACKED BAG; 20p DO IT YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING-BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR-THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Why It's good to be a man...

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a damn if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress £5000; Tux rental £100.

Slang

AEROPLANE BLONDE - one who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a black box
BADLY PACKED KEBAB - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Couple of Britneys Doreen".
MUMBLER - an attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e.you can the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
BEER SCOOTER - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BUNNY-BOILER - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde-could be a bunny boiler".
DRINK-LINK - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - a young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE - the need to defecate is imminent.
PEARL HARBOUR - cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
RAGMAN'S COAT - untidy and unkempt pubic hair. e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE - to defecate. e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB.
SWAMP-DONKEY - a deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS - bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, Bacardi Breezers regularly consumed by young women.
UP ON BLOCKS - menstruating. i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads,the missus is up on blocks".
WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".

Women are like football pitches

There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with the ground owner.
Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact the coroner.
When building a team, it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
It is illegal to play on small, un-turfed pitches.
From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
Pitches with a waterlogged end can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be penalised.
As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches, you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.
If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn't bring him off too soon.
It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.

The legend that is Swiss Tony...

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

You Know You've Been Out Of University Too Long When...

6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.
You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
You don't go to Coles with all your friends.
You have standing orders and direct debits.
The heating works in your house.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break- up.
You pay the government thousands of dollars every year.
You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
Washing up is not an annual ritual.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time your local Macca's closes any-more.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.
You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.
You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.
You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
You always know where you are when you wake up.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
You don't have mice living in your kitchen.
Grocery lists are longer than 2 minute noodles & cans of beer.
You have hoovered.
Breaking the law means doing 70 in a 50 zone.
'I'm never going to drink that much again' is replaced with 'I just can't drink the way I used to'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don't experiment with banned substances.
You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.

Further Education for Women

New courses have been made available this academic year for wives / girlfriends. Although enrolment figures are high I believe that some spaces are still available.

The following Training courses are now available:-

Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome:You Don't Need New Shoes Every Day
Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.
Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
Introduction to Parking
Introduction to Petrol
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Petrol Cap Off
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
PMS: Your Problem... Not His
Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To
Sex: It's For Married Couples Too
Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
TV Remotes: For Men Only

Further Education for Men

How to go Shopping with a Woman without getting Lost
How to Stay Awake after Sex
Real Men Ask For Directions
The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
You: The Weaker Sex
Combating stupidity
How NOT to act younger than your children
If you really try, you CAN fall asleep without it
Male bonding - Leaving your friends at HOME
Overcoming selective deafness
The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
We do NOT want sleazy lingerie for Christmas
You - The Weaker Sex
You Too Can Do Housework
PMT - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
Cooking - Those numbers Between OFF and HIGH
How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
How to ask for Directions
Laundry - Red + White = pink
The Toilet Seat Goes up AND down
You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver

Advice for Men

Yes, Homer Simpson is funny - but not on your tie.
Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a vicar.
Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable. Ironing them yourself is evidence of an unsound mind.
Cowboy boots - NO!!!
Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch.
Going bald ? - shave it off for God's sake.
Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won Wimbledon.
Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wild side of your corporate facade. They do, however, mean your mother still dresses you or you wish she did.
Socks and sandals - lovely on Germans.
A jester hat does not a wacky man make. Even Noddy Holder regrets the 70s.
Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers......
as are medallions.....
and tracksuit tops and bottoms.
Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet ? Habitat helpline 0845 601 0740
Open shirts: one button open = professional; two buttons = casual; three = oversharing.
Sleeveless t-shirts are ok if you're 17, can do the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat and you're a member of NSync. OK ?
Understand this: if your wearing the wrong underpants, she'll never come back.
Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = tosser.
Here's a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn't real. And Angelina is a) an actress and b) married.
Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying the Man Utd kit ? Pls seek professional help.
Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold and "ice" in the window of H.Samual where it can live a long and happy life doing no-one any harm.....
You'll NEVER pull if you put your mobile in the mobile phone pocket of your combats.
Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it's not going to do it for you.
Chinos - fashionable for 6 months in 1989 and that was it.

Female Guinness Book of Records

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for ?12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised ?5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American tourists which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie then, him in the glasses ?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film ?".

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motor mouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.

Shop Dithering

Most Shops Visited before returning to the first one (doubles)

The largest number of shops visited before returning to the first shop, accompanied by a husband, is 182, achieved by Mrs A Thompson (GB) in Newcastle, on August 3rd1982. Shops visited included 43 that didnt even sell shoes (the goods she was searching for), marking Mrs Thompson a real pro, and earning her the title of European Champion also. Her husband was periodically heard to say "yes Dear, no Dear".

Driving too close...

The record for the longest time period sat in a car without uttering "your driving to close..." is held by a Mrs Shipham of Cheltenham. On 18th August 1996 her husband agreed to take her shopping in London and it was on this journey that she clocked up a whole 2 hours 21 minutes 43 seconds before breaking the silence. Even though it has been confirmed that 2 hours 21 minutes and 33 seconds of that was spent sleeping - the record is still valid according to Guinness officiators.

Council Claims

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
.... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 4 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
......and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.
......that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

Top ten sexually explicit lines from Star Wars

"Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care that you smell!"
"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
"You've got something jammed in here real good."
"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
"Sorry about the mess..."
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

A Few Deep Thoughts

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me-they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Why does a shipment go by road and a cargo by ship?
At a football stadium, why do you sit in a stand?
Does a doctor call you a patient because he makes you wait so long?

You Know You're Getting Old When...

You and your teeth don't sleep together
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal
Your back goes out but you stay home
When you wake up looking like your driving licence picture
It takes two tries to get up from the couch
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio
When happy hour is a nap
When you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age
When you step off a kerb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there

Learn Japanese in 5 minutes

That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
Small Horse ............Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? .........Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu

Things Men Wished Women Knew

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it
Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be
Shopping is not a sport
Anything you wear is fine. Really
You have enough clothes
You have too many shoes
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed, makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines
The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one
When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship

GCSE Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons
A; Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, sheep and canoeists

Q: How is dew formed?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and mature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. (He got an A)

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainum contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A,E,I,O,U

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean?
A: Nearby

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you get sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms, They always grow in damp places and they look like unmbrellas

Q: Use the word judious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judious can be soft as your face (do dishes)

Q: What does the word benign mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head

Why the Internet Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it difficult to get any real work done
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do