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Great truths about life that little children have learned

  1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
  2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
  3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person
  4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
  5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food
  6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
  8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
  9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
  10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap

Great truths about life that adults have learned

  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree
  2. Wrinkles don't hurt
  3. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts
  4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground
  5. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside
  6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

Great truths about growing old

  1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
  2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
  3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you are down there
  4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
  5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
  6. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician
  7. With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone

The four stages of life

  1. You believe in Santa Claus
  2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
  3. You are Santa Claus
  4. You look like Santa Claus

The Rules Of Being A Guy

  1. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers
  2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella
  3. Unless he murdered a member of your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours
  4. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: - Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing incident
  5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: - You'd rather stay home and watch Charlie's Angel reruns
  6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her
  7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who is running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale
  8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable
  9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional)
  10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest
  11. While your girlfriend must bond with your mate's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads - low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, its called a double standard and we drew the short straw on that one)
  12. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing
  13. You may fart in front of a women only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap hear head under the covers for the purpose of farting entertainment, she is officially your girlfriend
  14. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you are sunning yourself on a tropical beach.. and it's delivered by a topless goddess..and its free
  15. Only in situations of moral and/or pending ass kicking, are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts
  16. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked
  17. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed
  18. If a mans zip is down, that's his problem..you didn't see nothing
  19. Women who claim to "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as other sports watchers
  20. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into the ceiling fan
  21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight
  22. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or slice of pizza, but not both, that's just plain rude
  23. If you compliment a guy on his six pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer
  24. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response
  25. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on an equal footing, both urinating, both waiting in line etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need
  26. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary
  27. When a mate is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either
  28. You cannot rat out a colleague who shows up with a hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with mature cheese, turn the brightness on his VDU all the way down so that he thinks its broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes
  29. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken animalistic sex, the fact that you are feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was
  30. It is ok for a man to cry in the following circumstances: -
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
    c. After wrecking the bosses car
    d. One hour, 12 minutes and 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
    e. When your date is using her teeth
  31. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights
    a. Yeah baby. Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers
    d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius
  32. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.4 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.
  33. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
  34. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me , you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story.

Critical Temperatures

  1. 50 degrees - New Yorkers turn on the heat - People in Ireland plant gardens
  2. 40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably - People in Ireland sunbathe
  3. 35 degrees - Italian cars won't start - People in Ireland drive with the windows down
  4. 20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats - People in Ireland throw on a T-shirt
  5. 15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state - People in Ireland go swimming
  6. Zero degrees - New York landlords finally turn up the heat - People in Ireland have the last BBQ before it gets cold
  7. 10 degrees below zero - People in Miami cease to exist - People in Ireland lick flagpoles
  8. 20 degrees below zero - Californians fly away to Mexico - People in Ireland throw on a light jacket
  9. 80 degrees below zero - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic - Irish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough
  10. 100 degrees below zero - Santa Clause abandons the North Pole - People in Ireland pull down their earflaps
  11. 173 degrees below zero - Ethyl alcohol freezes - People in Ireland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs
  12. 297 degrees below zero - Microbial life start to disappear - Irish sheep complain of farmers with cold hands
  13. 460 degrees below zero - ALL atomic motion stops - People in Ireland start saying "chilly, isn't it boy?"
  14. 500 degrees below zero - Hell freezes over - England win European Championships

The male stages of life

  1. Age - Seduction lines
    17 - My parents are away for the weekend
    25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend
    35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend
    48 - My wife is away for the weekend
    66 - My second wife is dead
  2. Age - Favorite sport
    17 - Sex
    25 - Sex
    35 - Sex
    48 - Sex
    66 - Napping
  3. Age - Definition of a successful date
    17 - Tongue
    25 - Breakfast
    35 - She didn't set back my therapy
    48 - I didn't have to meet her kids
    66 - Got home alive

The female stages of life

  1. Age - Favourite fantasy
    17 - Tall, dark and handsome
    25 - Tall, dark and handsome with money
    35 - Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
    48 - A man with hair
    66 - A man
  2. Age - Ideal date
    17 - He offers to pay
    25 - He pays
    35 - He cooks breakfast next morning
    48 - He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids
    66 - He can chew his breakfast

Micro$oft Automobiles

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $I25.00 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "Car NT", but then you would have to buy more seats
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads
  7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same-sized butt
  9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying
  10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department
  12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn all over again how to drive, because none of the car's controls would operate in the same manner as the old car!!
  13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

Only in the UK 1

  1. Does a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance
  2. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke
  3. Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters
  4. People leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put all the junk in the garage
  5. Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
  6. Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front
  7. We use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Only in the UK 2

  1. 3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue
  2. 58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers
  3. 31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in
  4. Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents
  5. 18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth
  6. A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their TEETH
  7. 8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet

From BMW Headquarters

We at BMW feel that members of our UK operation could benefit from knowing certain auto terminology used by your German counterparts. This should avoid embarrassment at our inter-departmental meetings. Therefore before the next technical meeting please make the effort to read and inwardly digest the following.

  1. INDICATORS--------------Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
  2. SPEEDOMETER-----------Der Egobooster
  3. PUNCTURE----------------Die Phatte mit Bludyfucken
  4. LEARNER------------------Die Twaten mit Elplatt
  5. ESTATE CAR--------------Die Bagsromm fur Shaggininauto
  6. WINDSCREEN WIPER----Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden
  7. FOOTBRAKE---------------Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik
  8. BREATHALYSER---------Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen
  9. SEATBELT-----------------Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper
  10. HEADLIGHTS--------------Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud
  11. FOG WARNING------------Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit
  12. HIGHWAY CODE----------Der Wipen fur Arsen
  13. TYRES-----------------------Phlattfarts
  14. TRAFFIC JAM--------------Der Bluddinfukkin damnundblasten
  15. BACKFIRE------------------Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen
  16. JUGGERNAUT--------------Der Fukkengret trucken
  17. ACCIDENT------------------Der Bleedinmess
  18. NEAR ACCIDENT----------Der Fucken neer schittenselfen
  19. CYCLIST---------------------Pedalpushen pilloken
  20. REAR VIEW MIRROR------Der Yokhunter TooKlosen

9 Irritations in Life

  1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
  2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually
  3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
  4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
  5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $12.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking floor.
  6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
  7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
  8. When people say "life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?
  9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Chinese Proverbs

  1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone
  2. Man who run in front of car get tired
  3. Man who run behind car get exhausted
  4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
  5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
  6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
  7. Man with one chopstick go hungry
  8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
  9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
  10. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk
  11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
  12. War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left
  13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
  14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
  15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it
  16. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there
  17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
  18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
  19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
  20. Confucious he say, while toilet chain swing, seat still be warm
  21. Girl who sit on Judge's Lap get honorable discharge

Office Sayings

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  24. Do I look like a people person?
  25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paycheques.

If men wrote Cosmopolitan... The reponses of a male Agony Uncle

  1. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
    A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
  2. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
    A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
  3. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
    A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
  4. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
    A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and cook him a delicious meal.
  5. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
    A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
  6. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
    A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
  7. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
    A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and s*x, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
  8. Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.
  9. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
  10. Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his friends. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
  11. Q: What is "afterplay?"
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
  12. Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Political Systems

  1. FEUDALISM: - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
  2. FASCISM: - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
  3. PURE COMMUNISM: - You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
  4. APPLIED COMMUNISM: - You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
  5. DICTATORSHIP: - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
  6. MILITARISM: - You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
  7. PURE DEMOCRACY: - You have two cows. All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
  8. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: - You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.
  9. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: - You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
  10. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: - The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
  11. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: - You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
  12. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: - You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and When you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
  13. CAPITALISM: - You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You retire on the income.
  14. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "feng shui".
  15. TOTALITARIANISM: - You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
  16. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: - You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged(but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. You are torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment center. You Spend six weeks getting in touch with your inner self and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.
  17. SURREALISM: - You have two giraffes.The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Tech Supports' Favourite Things

  1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
  2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
  3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the email system.
  4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your problem(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
  5. When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have eMail or a telephone line.
  6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
  7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
  8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
  9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
  10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
  11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
  12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother going. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
  13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear for no reason.
  14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
  15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
  16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
  17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
  18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
  19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
  20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
  21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
  22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
  23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
  24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
  25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.
  26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
  27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.
  28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
  29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
  30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

12 Things you never want to hear from tech support

  1. Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?
  2. ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.
  3. So-what are you wearing?
  4. Duuuuuude! Bummer!
  5. Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n.
  6. Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes'. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.
  7. We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.
  8. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
  9. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
  10. Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!
  11. Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics'.
  12. Please hold for Mr. Gates's attorney.

If all major retailers started producing condoms

  1. Tesco Condoms: every little helps
  2. Sainsbury Condoms: making life taste better
  3. Nike Condoms: Just do it.
  4. Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.
  5. Galaxy Condoms: Why have rubber when you can have silk.
  6. KFC Condoms: Finger Licking good.
  7. Minstrals Condoms: melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
  8. Safeway condoms: Lightening the load.
  9. Abbey national condoms: because life is complicated enough.
  10. Coca cola condoms: The real thing.
  11. Ever ready condoms: keep going and going.
  12. Macintosh condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
  13. Pringles condoms: once you pop, you can't stop
  14. Burger king condoms: Home of the whopper
  15. Goodyear condoms: "for a longer ride go wide"
  16. FCUK condoms: no comment required.
  17. Muller light condoms: so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
  18. Halford condoms: we go the extra mile.
  19. On digital condoms: plug in and play !!!!
  20. Royal mail condoms: I saw this and thought of you.
  21. Andrex condoms: Soft, strong and very very long.
  22. Renault condoms: size really does matter!

Humourous Personal Ads

  1. Lusty full-figured gal wants a younger man to fondle.
  2. Feisty Rubenesque SWF seeks compassionate understanding SWM to hold her hands and watch her while she eats.
  3. Abracadabra! Your money will disappear on two long-legged attractive SWF seeking generous Sugar Daddy type. Age unimportant.
  4. Help! Gentle professional DWM having rough time with mid-life crisis. Losing my graying hair is no fun all by myself. Seeking SWF 18-30 to bring me to life and rescue me from the depths of depression.
  5. Talented, twisted DWF, 50ish, seeks sensual Svengali to skinny me up and inspire trashy bestseller. Non-smoking 40ish, plastic surgeon perfect.
  6. Girrrrl, are you lucky you read this ad! I'm between girlfriends. How lucky can you get? Send me a photo and note about yourself. Hurry! Before I'm taken again.
  7. Wanted: Modern Primitive. Must be into tatoos and piercing, great sense of humor a prerequisite. Tall blonde with long legs enjoys working out, cycling, and eating lots of meat. Let's watch Beavis and Butthead together.
  8. Uhhh, two crazy college girls looking for Beavis and Butthead to make us laugh. Suicidal band members need not apply.
  9. SWF, 40, cuddly Piscean, into theatre, cooking, simple fun, and felines. Desires 40ish SW chum; independent, cocksure, clever, quick witted.
  10. Vivacious DWF, 47, seeks new husband with similar personality. Must have own teeth.
  11. Handsome mainframe with good connections seeks cute micro with nice peripherals. Object: plug-to-plug compatibility.
  12. Depressed male, 28, homely looking, short and fat, uncultured, absolute bore, financial failure, seeks similar woman, 20-32 for meaningless relationship.
  13. Gunslinger Wanted. Desperate neighborhood needs expert sharpshooter w/BB gun to run off psychotic mockingbird. Pay $20 American.
  14. Occult-Vegetarian-Ambidextrous, Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of similar interests. Zack, Box 90
  15. Undercover Espionage Agent, 29, would like to meet nice woman 18-30 for romantic, lasting relationship. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live. Call 567-1234, preferably from an untapped pay phone.
  16. Handsome, but not wealthy, gentleman can only afford a 5-line personal ad. I'm a smart, good-looking nice guy who'd like to meet pretty, sensitive woman. Call me at xxx-yyyy
  17. Idiots Need Love Too - If you enjoy walking into movies after they've started, throwing out good furniture, and locking your friends in closets, we already have three things in common! Let's get together and find out how many other negative personality traits we share. Spunky, Box 2.
  18. Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 44
  19. Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, Box 67.
  20. Compulsive Liar - Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Riviera. Flatbush Max, Box 12.
  21. Man, nonsmoking, nondrinking, noneating, nonbreathing, actually, I'm dead. I need someone to bury me. Box 57.
  22. SWF - Seeks SWF to tell me what SWF means. Box 85
  23. Large Woman Seeks Larger Man - So I will look smaller in comparison. Photos a must. Box 841.
  24. Low mileage 1964 WF sport model, nice interior, sleek exterior seeks 1958-68 WM 2-door model to possibly share driveway. No minivans, carseats, or additives.
  25. Successful businessman widower seeks affectionate understanding female to shave the enjoyable things in life.
  26. Slim white male, 35, seeks attractive white female, 27. Must have tatoo (dogs, butterflies, okay; no rainbows, gnomes or battle scenes). Must own late model foreign car with radial tires (and snows). Should be well tanned, blue eyed, blonde, (sunny yellow, not platinum or dishwater), and have own luggage. Must be T'ai Chi expert and familiar with multiple bodyrub techniques. Must have own chili recipie (no celery). Must bathe, not shower. Must have working command of Latin (hear it, speak it, order and hail cabs in it). Must have own flesh-pulley equipment and collection of travelogues, intermission reels, and wrestling magazines (circa 1950-54, good to mint condition, bagged for clean and easy storage). Must possess own lifelike false face and iron-on refrigerator decals. Can be pensive but not moody. Must dig roller opera. Must possess lots (I mean it) of ketchup.
  27. Sprightly leprechaun seeks shamrock nymph to be my lovely lass. You are two feet tall, love all things green, and have a deep appreciation for marshmallows. I am cheery-giddy, fortified with eight essential vitamins, and magically delicious! No IRA, please. L. Charms, Dublin.
  28. Fat balding smelly lazy repulsive unemployed WM oaf seeks voluptuous female love slave to fetch beer, change channels, pick up dirty clothes, and suck toes.
  29. SWF seeks live M, age 16-100+, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg.
  30. SWM, 39, enjoys assault rifles, heaving drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded fallout shelter.
  31. SWF, 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, communing with Gaian nature spirits, and jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic WM mechanical engineer.
  32. SWM, 29, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Dr. Who, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. Still ISO compatible SWF.
  33. Adventurous WC want to meet other WCs interested in underwater bondage with scuba gear and albino livestock. No weirdos.
  34. SM parrot ISO SF parrot. Pretty boy. Gimme kiss!
  35. Fat, bloated pig seeks princess with an open mind.
  36. 5'5", 39, DW Anthropoidette, Jewish by injection, seeks DW/SW NS simian, vertically or otherwise inclined, for mutual hunting, gathering, or grooming. Casual replies only.
  37. SWF seeks strong, sensitive man with a tall, dark body. I'm overweight and unemployed but you will like me anyway.
  38. Lonely, lost, loser with diminished hopes seeks similar SWF to share bad times together.
  39. Are you the man with the scar on his face who met me at the carnival? Please reply. SWF.
  40. I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered in Rowanda. What difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, or how much money you or I make? To hell with long walks, holding hands, candle lit dinners, and all of that other crap that people never continue doing after the first date anyway; that didn't even take place in Cinderella (I've seen the movie). If there is a man out there who: -
    isn't a crackhead or crack dealer,
    isn't an alcoholic,
    doesn't have any kids,
    doesn't smoke,
    doesn't beat women,
    isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad,
    isn't a liar,
    isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back,
    isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex,
    doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex,
    likes having sex,
    CAN have sex,
    is not: -
    in jail,
    on probation,
    has a court date pending,
    isn't a: -
    misogynist,
    racist,
    classist,
    elitist,
    lawyer,
    politician,
    member of the military,
    policeman (Malice Green, Rodney King),
    bible boy, or
    a pompous ass.
    What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there, if you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men. Prefer letters.
  41. Average Guy Seeks Goddess. Male, 35, 6' 3", 220 pounds. Savant, epicure, Rhodes Scholar, M.D., PhD, VIP, & LSD. Member of Mensa, 33rd degree Freemason; speaks seven languages fluently. Served as Ambassador to Moscow and on Council of Foreign Relations. Dabbles in rocket science, quantum physics and in spare time devised a unified field theory. Has authored 15 books, 87 published articles, 23 screenplays, & 114 patents, one a fully functional pocket time machine (batteries not included). Likes to paint expressionist watercolors, write haiku poetry, & have composed 11 major symphonies (plus one opera in Bulgarian). Trained in Jungian psychology, lectures on Zen, practices safe alchemy. Awarded Medal of Honor for bravery in combat. Climbed Everest, swam the English Channel & was knighted by the Queen. Won 3 Olympic gold medals, 6 Academy Awards, the Indy 500, & Kentucky Derby. Heisman Trophy winner. Active in charity work with disabled cheerleaders. Performed Hamlet, met Elvis, attended Woodstock. Claimed Nobel Prize in medicine. Flew the Space Shuttle, addressed the U.N., played the Grand Ol' Opry, sold out Madison Square Garden. Beatified by the church. A par golfer, master craftsman, and gourmet cook. Broke the 4 minute mile. Consultant to multi- national corporations, brokered peace in the Middle East, Jeopardy champ. Has own personal wardrobe line and puts both legs of pants on simultaneously. Certified mechanic, advanced avatar & licensed oracle. Solved the Kennedy assassination. Circumnavigated the globe piloting own Lear jet and luxury yacht. Enjoys ballroom dancing. Enthusiastic skier, scuba diver, & collector of 14th century Moravian tapestries. Plants virus' in CRAY supercomputers for kicks. Direct descendant of Charlemagne, hung like a Equus Cabullus & no male pattern baldness. Capable of independently programming a VCR. Black belt in karate. Loves children and small furry creatures. Recycles. Doesn't smoke, drink, swear, snore, or leave the toilet seat up. Fully committed to mo nogamy and family values. Cherishes intimacy. Devoted to maintaining long-term relationships through good communication. Not ashamed to ask for directions when lost. Compulsive house cleaner, does own laundry, never watches football. Well studied in the Kama Sutra and not averse to providing maximum gratification with just a touch of discipline. Makes a mean latte too. Loves romantic walks along moonlit beaches, weeps at sunsets, & dreams of the day when humanity can live together in communal peace & enlightenment. Naturally being such a hip-happenin' renaissance kind of guy leaves one little time for amorous socializing, hence this communique. It is but my sincerest hope that I be considered worthy the attention of a warm, kind-hearted nymphomaniac willing to share my humble existence. So be not shy oh sweet, young cyber-maidens, send hither your tender e-mail that we might share the bliss of sublime, rapturous interface.
  42. Large physical storage volumes needs mount point on any compatible filesystem type. Has many hundreds of millions of i-nodes that need backup; offsite preferred. Fsck me baby!
  43. Slim attractive female .sig seeks a witty unique e-male .sig for correspondence to start, and maybe closer intimate connection access later. Must be at least 8 to 9 lines long ;-)
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Last Updated Fri Apr 4 06:09:32 BST 2008