Craig's Joke Lists Page (1 of 7)

The Pre-relationship agreement

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organised sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arrange the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)
DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty- (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the term's "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market".
TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty- (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty- (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the right to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. 6) Further, during the first six- (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that respective gross income aside, "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theatres, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".
THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty- (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone".
GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
A) Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend.
B) Ending an argument with the sentence: "My ex used to do the same thing"
C) Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek "help"
D) Ending any argument with the phrase: "My analyst thinks you are..."
DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of break-up, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My analyst thinks you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here).
MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks". Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the break-up: "The timing wasn't right.", "He/she wanted more than I could give.", "He/she was too involved in his/her career.", "He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/ hometown/therapist."
ADDENDUM: After the initial break-up - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".

Faulty Packaging?

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

49 Best Bumper Stickers

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
Yes, Jesus is coming ... everyone look busy
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
To all you virgins thanks for nothing
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
My kid had sex with your honor student
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole
I'm just driving this way to piss you off
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
Keep honking, I'm reloading
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
God must love stupid people, he made so many
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
The gene pool could use a little chlorine
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
Consciousness: that annoying time between mental lapses
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...'till you can find a rock
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off
Why settle for a floppy disk when you can have a hard drive
So many idiots, so few bullets

Some Handy Tips

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone
Give VIZ and other comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Only go to the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator
Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car and pretend you're driving a dodgem car.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake willie to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they wont know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of rodeo sex. Climb onto her and, holding tightly on, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
Motorists. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Sweet corn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the bog.
Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
Drill a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
Bus Drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
Taxi drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.
Pensioners. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
Take your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
Save on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Why dogs are better than women

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
Dogs like beer
Dogs don't hate their bodies
Dogs don't criticize
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
Dogs never expect gifts
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had
Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day
Dogs don't cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late- the later you are, the more excited they are to see you
Anyone can get a good looking dog
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it
A dog's parents never visit

Darwin Awards

The Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards are given (with tongue firmly embedded in cheek) to individuals who have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the Human Gene Pool through isolation by incarceration. Here are some of the most bizzare examples of poorly timed, thought out, or executed criminal acts.

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining two were asked to leave the course.
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was over 21, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21. He put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America walked into the branch and wrote, "THIS IS A STICKUP. PUT ALL YOUR MOONY IN THIS BAG". While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read his note and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Joanne, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should've blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
Detroit: R.C. Caitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Caitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Caitlin because information on the screen showed Caitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous and stated, nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object, that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
(1 March 2000, New Zealand) Baldwin Street in Dunedin is listed as the steepest in the world in The Guinness Book of World Records, and it was at the top of this 38-degree incline that Ana and her friend hatched a plan for a midnight downhill slide. The two university students dragged a two-wheeled rubbish bin up the street, climbed in, shoved off, and down they went in their makeshift sleigh. As they hurtled pell-mell down Baldwin Street in the wee hours of the morning, residents described being awakened by "a hell of a racket" which went on for some time before ending with a sickening crash. Their 50-meter dash ended precipitously when the rubbish bin slammed into a legally parked trailer. Ana, 19, was killed instantly, and her co-pilot suffered serious head injuries, though one wonders how they noticed. The feat did not make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, as the top speed of the rubbish bin is unknown.

Viz New English Slang Dictionary

Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Beaver Leaver (or Vagina Decliner): A homosexual.
Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Hefty Cleft (or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top): Description of a very large vagina.
Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
Sperm Wail (or Spuphemism): A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.
Todger Dodger: A lesbian.
X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

The Worst Country and Western Song Titles of All Time

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I figure We Got An Even Deal
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Love Rovers
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
Please Bypass this Heart
She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Office Jargon

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB -Career Limiting Behaviour)
Adminisphere: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Ohnosecond (also known as the Ohshitohshitohshitsecond): That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to seewhat's going on.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

It's great to be a bloke because

Your bottom is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's bottom if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You can appreciate great sport.
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Same job .... . more pay.
The world is your urinal.

Homer Simpson Quotables

Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how!
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam)
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then.
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Airline Landings

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quitea bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!". Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!

Tips for Student Pilots

Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick back. Then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky
A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival and vice versa
Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed
If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible
There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made
The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago
And a bonus tip: Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them

Top 20 signs you're from the 80's

You know what loads of "M"s painted on walls mean
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
You know who Mr. T is
You once wore fluorescent, neon clothing
You believed that "By the power of Greyskull," you HAD the power!
Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away
You knew that knowing was half the battle
You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black
You remember the Garbage Pail Kids, and owned some
You remember when ATARI was a state-of-the art video game system
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, A-Team, Knight Rider, or Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox
You know what leg warmers are and probably owned a pair
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish
You wore your tie with the narrow end showing, the thick end tucked in
In a cool band, the drummer stood up and played one drum
You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box
You had to get up to change the channel
You know that another name for a keyboard is a "synthesizer."
You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie
You know who Max Headroom is