How many Mates does an Essex Woman have?
Depends on how many packets she bought.
What's an Essex Woman's idea of hard work?
Button flies.
Why did the Essex Girl want to be a Penguin?
Haven't you heard all those adverts telling you to pick up a Penguin?
Sharon: Is that a Curly-Wurly you're eatin' Trace?
Tracey: Nah, it's a chocolate covered toffee bar, Shaz.
What do you call an Essex Girl with 1 O Level?
Chelmsford Girl
What do you call an Essex Girl with 2 O Levels?
A Liar
Why is there a University in Essex?
So Kent Girls can study away from home.
(Essex University is geared to Essex Girls tho' - it actually has a creche!)
Why do Essex Women only get half an hour for lunch?
So they don't need to be retrained when they get back.
Why don't Essex Girls wear lipsalve?
They don't mind getting a chap on their lips.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a food blender ?
You've got more chance of getting your dick out of a food blender.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a jumbo jet ?
A jumbo jet has only got one cockpit.
How does an Essex Woman tell who she's having sex with ?
She holds her cigarette up to their face.
How does an Essex Woman tell the difference between margarine and butter ?
She asks someone to read the packet for her.
Why doesn't an Essex Woman ever panic ?
Because she takes everything in her stride.
What does an Essex Woman do with men who gatecrash her party ?
Throws them out in the morning.
How does an Essex Woman get rid of unwanted pubic hair ?
Spits it out.
What does an Essex Girl hope to buy at a Tupperware party ?
A vibrator.
How does an Essex Girl get a lift home ?
I've never done it in a Sierra.
What is an Essex Woman's favorite cocktail ?
A Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall.
What is the difference between an Essex Woman and the Grand old Duke of York ?
The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men.
What have an Essex Woman and a man in a dirty raincoat got in common ?
Both like Men Only.
What do you call an Essex Woman who has sex in a Mark III Cortina ?
A traditionalist.
What is an Essex Woman's nightmare holiday ?
Two weeks on the island of Lesbos.
Why did the Essex Woman have C&A stitched into her knickers ?
So she knew which way round to put them back on.
What does an Essex Woman have written on the back of her knickers ?
Next.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and Sooty ?
You can only get one hand up Sooty.
What's the similarity between Essex Woman and a carpenter ?
Both have a box full of saws.
Why does an Essex Woman wear a fur-lined nightie ?
To keep her ears warm.
Hear about the Essex Girl who thought Ear Muffs were a novel form of sex ?
What's an Essex Woman's idea of an obstacle course ?
Shell suit trousers.
Essex Girl : Wha's the matter wiv you ?
Essex Girl's Mum : I'm going through the change, Sharon.
Essex Girl : Can you save me the 50p pieces for the condom machine?
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and Chinese Meal ?
You want another Chinese meal after an hour.
What happened to the Essex Woman who became an Avon lady ?
Max Factor.
What does an Essex Woman use for protection during sex ?
A bus shelter.
Why doesn't an Essex Woman say much on her first date ?
She doesn't like to talk with her mouth full.
Why did the Essex Woman stand for Parliament ?
Because she heard the house of Commons had 80 members.
Sharon : 'Ere, Trace, d'you like Chanel Number 5 ?
Tracey : Nah, I only watch Sky One.
Why do Essex Women only eat one third of their Mars bars ?
Who needs to work or rest ?
How does an Essex Woman tell when her bloke is serious ?
When he puts her name on his windscreen.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a half-starved Labrador ?
An Essex Woman whines more.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and an Alsatian ?
Lip gloss.
Why do Essex Women prefer cars with adjustable steering wheels ?
More headroom.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a fridge ?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out of it.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and the Marx Brothers ?
Essex Woman wouldn't dream of spending a night at the opera.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and Spud-U-Like ?
Spud-U-Like has fewer fillings.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Directory Enquiries ?
You can sometimes get through to Directory Enquiries.
Why did the Essex Woman enter for Wimbledon ?
She thought the mixed doubles was a cocktail drinking contest.
What do you get if you cross an Essex Woman with a computer ?
A system that will always go down on you.
Interviewer : What do YOU think of Basque Separatists ?
Essex Woman : I prefer teddies.
Why does Essex Girl shave her armpits ?
To stop her sticking to the Velcro fastenings in Wayne's shell suit.
What is an Essex Woman's idea of a really classy meal ?
A wooden chip-fork with her takeaway.
Why does Essex Woman paint her nails ?
So she doesn't break them getting the last bit of meat off her Kentucky Fried Chicken.
What's an Essex Woman's idea of romance ?
A lift home afterwards.
Why do Essex Women hunt in pairs ?
So they have someone to keep score.
Why is an Essex Boy like one of the Johnny Mann Singers ?
Because they're both Up Up and Away.
Essex couple making love:
Tracey: 'Ere Kev, ain't you got a small organ!
Kevin : Well it's never 'ad to play in a cathedral before, Trace.
Why do Essex Women always lose at Monopoly ?
They're always waiting to be picked up at Liverpool Street station.
What do Essex Women do for the environment ?
Buy unleaded eyebrow pencils.
Why do Essex Girls have onions in their doner kebabs ?
To make their breath smell sweeter.
Why is an Essex Woman like a West Ham supporter ?
Both are forever blowing bubbles.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and the England Cricket Team's bowling ?
Most men wouldn't catch anything off the England Cricket Teams's bowling.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman's tights and a window cleaner ?
A window cleaner has fewer ladders.
Why is an Essex Woman like John Bull Bitter ?
Both get drunk in Romford.
Why is an Essex Woman like a cinema-foyer hot dog ?
You wouldn't want your friends to catch you eating one.
What do you call twenty-four Essex Girls floating down the Thames ?
The Isle of Dogs.
What's an Essex Girls favorite kind of date ?
Eat Me.
What's the difference between and Essex Girl and the doggie on the parcel shelf of a car ?
The doggie doesn't nod its head as much.
Why do Essex Girls always lose at Chess ?
They can't get over the fact that there isn't any cocktail sauce for the pawns.
Why do Essex Women dye their hair blonde ?
Because they want to look more intelligent.
Why do blonde Essex Women dye their roots black ?
Because they don't want to look out of place.
What do you call an intelligent Essex Girl?
A Golden Retriever.
What do you call an Essex Woman with brown hair ?
A disgrace to her county.
What's an Essex Girl's favorite convenience food ?
Fish Finger.
Why is an Essex Woman like a cowpat ?
They get easier to pick up with age.
Why do Essex Girls tell each other Essex Girl jokes ?
They're the only jokes they can remember.
Essex Couple making love without any protection in the back of Kev's Cortina:
Sharon : Kevin, d'you want me to have a baby?
Kevin : Yeah, Shaz, Yeah. If it's a boy he can be a boy scout just like I was.
Sharon : Well if you put it in there it'll be a brownie.
Why does Essex Girl wear blouses with shoulder pads ?
So that Essex Boy has somewhere comfortable to rest his knees.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and Radio 5 ?
You can't pick up Radio 5 in a car after dark.
Why did the Essex Girl let her hair down ?
Because Wayne came in her bun.
Warren : 'Ere Tray, why do you feet keep movin' up an' down when we make love ?
Tracey : Cos you keep forgettin' to pull me tights down, Warren.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and the River Thames ?
You're less likely to catch something in the Thames.
How does an Essex Woman change a lightbulb ?
"Kevin, come over 'ere ....."
What's an Essex Girl's favorite book ?
Don't be stupid!
What's the difference between Essex Woman and the Man from Del Monte ?
The man from Del Monte sometimes says No.
Why did Essex Woman join the AA ?
So she always knows a man who can.
What does an Essex Woman call a girl who has 10 men in one night ?
Bloody lucky.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a hospital patient ?
An Essex Woman doesn't say 'ah' before she opens her mouth.
What does an Essex Woman want for Christmas ?
Stirrup-shaped earrings.
What do most Essex Women do for a living ?
Temporary secs
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and an empty crisp packet ?
You only get one bang out of the empty crisp packet.
What did the Essex Woman say when she was told she was pregnant ?
How do you know it's mine.
Why is an Essex Woman like a faulty typewriter ?
She skips periods if fucked.
Why are an Essex Woman's legs like margarine ?
They spread easily.
How can you tell you're secretary is an Essex Woman ?
There's Tipp-Ex on the word processor
What do you call an Essex Girl who reads the Sunday Sport ?
An intellectual.
Why did the Essex Girl buy the Sunday Sport ?
To impress her friends.
What's the difference between Crufts and a Romford nightclub ?
There aren't as many dogs at Crufts.
Hear about the Essex Girl who though Berni Inn was a sexual request ?
What birthday present do you buy an Essex Woman who's been studying Zen Philosophy ?
A vibrator
Sharon: What d'you reckon to Harry Connick Junior, Tray?
Tracey: I don't know nuffink about primary schools Shaz.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and the Reader's Digest subscription department ?
You can eventually say no to the Reader's Digest.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and Sir Ralph Halpern ?
Sir Ralph only did it 5 times a night.
What do you get for screwing 10 Essex Women ?
A Gold Medallion.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a carpenter ?
Essex Woman has handled more tools.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Russian Roulette ?
With Russian Roulette you've only got a one-in-six chance of getting fucked.
What is an Essex Woman's favorite cigarette ?
More.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a Jeffery Archer novel ?
A Jeffery Archer novel is harder to penetrate.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and children fighting in the playground ?
It only takes the children a few minutes to make up.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a Lotus Elan ?
A Lotus Elan's harder to get into.
What's the difference between Essex and Mars ?
There might be intelligent life on Mars.
What's the difference between and Essex Woman and Billy Bonds ?
Billy Bonds was only capped once.
What has Essex Woman got in common with an electric light ?
Both can be turned on with a flick of the finger.
What's the difference between a pregnant Essex Woman and an electric lightbulb ?
You can unscrew the lightbulb.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a 20 Watt lightbulb ?
The 20 Watt lightbulb is brighter.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and hand-me-down clothes ?
You know who's been inside hand-me-down clothes.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a bottle of paracetamol ?
It's harder to get into a bottle of paracetamol.
Why do Essex Women get married ?
So they can appear in Readers' Wives.
Kevin : What a big pussy, what a big pussy.
Sharon: There's no need to say it twice Kevin
Kevin : I didn't - that was the echo.
What do you say to an Essex Girl who's too young for sex ?
Coochie coochie coo.
What's the difference between Essex Girl and a mirror ?
You can't see through a mirror.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a condom ?
You only use a condom once.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and Hells Angels ?
Hells Angels wear originals.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and an apple ?
An apple is harder to eat.
Essex girls fixing their make-up in the ladies loos:
Tracey: 'Ere, Shaz, d'you fink I'm gettin' crows feet?
Sharon: Keep yer shoes on,Tray, then no-one will notice.
Hear about the Essex Woman who thought Polyfilla was what Polly called her boyfriend?
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a pine table ?
It's harder to strip a pine table.
Why do Essex Girls dance round their handbags ?
have you ever met any Essex Boys ?
Hear about the Essex Woman who went to France and asked what the French was for soixante-neuf?
What is an Essex Woman's favourite wine ?
I-wanna-nuvva-Harvey-Wallbanger.
What do you give an Essex Girl after you've been going out with her for 2 weeks?
An Eternity Ring.
What's the difference between getting piles and breaking off an engagement with an Essex Woman ?
When the piles clear up you get your ring back.
What is an Essex Woman's favorite reading ?
The Ann Summers Catalog.
What is an Essex Woman's favorite French reading ?
The Hatchback of Notre Dame.
Why don't Essex Women go to libraries ?
Because they can't keep quiet during sex.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and the complete Encyclopedia Britannica ?
The complete Encyclopedia Britannica is impossible to pick up.
What do you give an Essex Woman before you go out with her ?
A full medical.
What do Essex Women eat to increase their bust size ?
Silicone chips.
What is an Essex Girl's favorite TV Program ?
Open All Hours.
Why does Essex Woman wear a bra ?
She likes a little foreplay.
Why didn't Essex Woman go all the way on her first date ?
Cos he didn't pay for her chips.
What have Essex Woman's tits & a bunch of week dead flowers got in common ?
Both are droopy and smell bad.
Why does an Essex Woman keep her feet out of the bath ?
So her ankle chains don't get rusty.
What is Essex Woman's favorite band ?
Deep Purple.
What is Essex Man's favorite band ?
Three Dog Night.
How do you know when Essex Woman's got her period ?
She stays in to wash her hair.
How do you make an Essex Woman laugh on a Sunday ?
Tell her a joke on Friday.
How does Essex Woman tell Essex Man he's going to be a father ?
Shit, the fuckin' johnny's split!
How does an Essex Woman get dinner for her guests ?
Hello? Is that Pizza-to-go?
Why do Essex Women eat vegetables ?
To improve their IQ
Hear about the Essex Woman who went to work in a leather factory so she could get a quick tan ?
What's the difference between Stefan Edberg and an Essex Woman ?
One's a Swede, the other's a vegetable.
What have Essex Woman and Lionel Richie got in common ?
They're both easy like Sunday morning.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Lionel Richie ?
Lionel Richie doesn't bleach his moustache.
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a gerbil ?
An Essex Girl doesn't stand a hope in hell of getting a date with a Hollywood star.
Why did the Essex Woman join a golf club ?
She wanted to become the inter-course champion.
Essex Woman at a golf club:
Golf Pro : Would you like a caddy ?
Essex Woman: 'As orright, I got me Thermos
Why do Essex Women love snooker ?
They like men who go in off the pink.
Kevin : 'Ere Trace, fancy trying something from the Kama Sutra ?
Tracey: You know I don't like Indian food, Kev.
TV Interviewer: What do YOU think about the Green Belt ?
Essex Woman : You shouldn't wear it with a pink frock.
Why does an Essex Girl take care when she turns off her alarm clock ?
She doesn't want to smudge her make-up.
Why does an Essex Woman wear a leopard-skin leotard ?
So her dad won't spot her on the back seat of Wayne's Capri
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Mount Everest ?
Fewer people have been up Mount Everest.
What's the difference between dating and Essex Girl and travelling on the Starship Enterprise ?
The Starship Enterprise only goes where no man has gone before.
Why does an Essex Girl wear earrings ?
She wants to look like her dad
Why did the Essex Girl go to church ?
She thought she heard they worshipped Rod
How do you get rid of an Essex Girl ?
Tell her your car's in for repairs
What does an Essex Girl wear behind her ears ?
Her knees
What's an Essex Woman's favorite drink ?
Seven Up
Essex couple are French kissing:
Essex Man : What's the flavour of that bubble gum you're eatin' ?
Essex Woman : That's not bubble gum, I've got a cold.
Why did the Essex Woman wear white at her wedding ?
She kept on the same dress she wore at her hen night.
An Essex Woman is the only person who can trip a guy up and be on the floor before him.
An Essex Woman was killed in a tragic car crash. She was buried in a Y-shaped coffin.
Hear about the Essex Woman who thought the Gulf Conflict was a new Volkswagen convertible.
Why is an Essex Woman like an anchor ?
She goes down so quickly.
Essex Man : D'you know why I love you?
Essex Woman: I give in.
Essex Man : Tha's right.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Heinz Tomato Soup ?
There's no artificial coloring in Heinz Tomato soup.
What is the Essex Girl attachment on a Swiss Army Knife for ?
Getting feet out of steering wheels.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a turkey?
A turkey doesn't gobble at night.
What's the difference between Essex Woman's pussy and a tube of glue ?
You might consider sniffing a tube of glue.
How does an Essex Girl avoid headaches ?
Get a padded dashboard.
Why does an Essex Woman where patent shoes ?
To check she's still got her knickers on.
Why doesn't Essex Girl snort coke ?
The bubbles get up her nose.
Why did the Essex Woman join Greenpeace ?
She heard they had a sperm whale.
How do you find an Essex Woman's G-spot ?
Promise her a weekend in Marbella.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Gary Lineker ?
Lineker only scored 4 times in 90 minutes.
How do you find an Essex Woman's clitoris ?
Turn left at the handbrake.
How do you confuse an Essex Woman ?
Take her out in a left hand drive car.
Why does an Essex Woman where cheap perfume ?
To keep the flies off her kebab.
How does an Essex Woman hold her liquor ?
By the ears.
Why did the Essex Woman give up aerobics ?
She couldn't put her legs together.
Hear about the Essex Woman who thought Little Red Riding Hood was a novelty condom?
What is the difference between an Essex Woman and a table ?
A table only gets laid 3 times a day.
What does an Essex Woman take before sex ?
Fourteen large Malibus.
Where does Essex Woman get together with her friends ?
The VD clinic.
An Essex Woman told her boyfriend that lights must flash and bells must ring when he made love to her .
So they did it on a Pinball machine.
What does an Essex Woman use to remove her make-up ?
A blowtorch.
What is the most essential item in Essex Woman's make-up kit ?
Clearasil.
What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex Woman ?
A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Sharon : I can only achieve orgasm in the doggy position, Trace.
Tracey : So, what's the problem Shaz?
Sharon : The dog's got bad breath.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman's knickers and Alton Towers ?
You have to pay to into Alton Towers.
An Essex Woman asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere wet, warm and smelly
He took her to Canvey Island.
Why did the Essex Woman complain of sexual harassment in the office ?
The boss asked her to get down to some hard work.
What is the difference between the Titanic and an Essex Woman ?
Only 1500 men went down on the Titanic.
What is the difference between Essex Woman and the Moby Dick ?
The Moby Dick swallowed less seamen.
Where do Essex Women go to do charity work ?
The Seamen's Mission.
Why does an Essex Woman wear knickers ?
To keep her ankles warm.
Why is an Essex Woman like an old washing machine ?
They both drip when fucked.
Essex Couple at a Southend United football match:
Kevin : Great tackle!
Sharon: An' a neat arse.
Tracy : 'Ere Shaz, give us some of your chewin' gum.
Sharon: I'm not chewing gum Tray, I got a heavy cold.
Why did the Essex Woman fail her driving test ?
She forgot to check the mirror before going down on the examiner.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a carpenter ?
Essex Woman has longer nails.
Why does an Essex Woman grow her nails long ?
To get to the really difficult bogeys.
What is an Essex Woman's idea of real class ?
A cut glass dildo.
What happened to the Essex Woman who bought a vibrator ?
She knocked all her teeth out.
What is Essex Woman's idea of sophistication ?
Malibu-flavored condoms.
Essex Man : 'Ow 'bout comin' home wiv me tonight darlin' ?
Essex Woman: 'fraid I'm on me menstrual cycle.
Essex Man : Tha's alright, I've got me 'onda 50 outside.
(Alternatively: Tha's orright, it can go in the back of the Capri)
How do you get 10 Essex Girls into a telephone kiosk ?
Tell them its a Ferrari Testarossa.
Why don't Essex Women like Coq au Vin ?
They think it's cheap to bonk in a Ford Transit.
Hear about the Essex Woman who thought the Renault 21 was some kind of achievement target.
What about the Essex Woman who thought Harvey's Bristol Cream was a bust-enlarging lotion.
What do Essex Women like best about policemen ?
Their shiny helmets.
What's the best chat-up line when picking up an Essex Woman ?
Me motor's outside.
If Jesus was an Essex Man: I'm not offerin' 2 loaves, I'm not offerin' 3 loaves -
I'll give you 5 loaves and throw in 2 fishes absolutely free!
How do you define a shy Essex bride ?
One who's been married for 2 hours before screwing the best man.
What is an Essex Woman's favorite position for sex ?
The mercenary position.
How does an Essex Woman turn off the light after having sex ?
She closes the car door.
Hear about the Essex Girl who thought the Common Market was a car boot sale?
How did Essex Woman know it was all over ?
Her friend said she was on the Wayne.
What does Essex Woman say before sex ?
Me name's Sharon.
What does an Essex Woman say after sex ?
Do you all really play for the same football team.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Arsenal FC ?
Arsenal have never gone down.
What makes an Essex Woman's eyes light up ?
A torch shone in her ear.
How do you know if an Essex Woman has had an orgasm ?
She drops her bag of crisps.
Essex couple go for a walk:
Essex Man : Are you comin' ?
Essex Woman : Nah, it's just the way I'm walkin'
Why don't Essex Women like Father Christmas ?
Because he only comes once a year.
Why did Essex Woman go to a garage ?
To get a 36,000 mile cervix.
Why do Essex Girls have periods ?
To give Middlesex Girls a turn.
What is the difference between an Essex Woman and an ironing board ?
An ironing board's legs are difficult to get apart.
What is the difference between an Essex Woman and a washing machine ?
You can dump your load with a washing machine and it won't follow you around for a week.
Where do Essex Women do their shopping ?
Boys R Us
Why don't Essex Women vote ?
They can't spell 'X'
What's an Essex Woman's favorite hymn ?
O Come All ye faithful.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Snow White ?
Snow White never slept with more than 7 men at once.
What did Essex Woman buy her mum for her birthday ?
A white patent leather colostomy bag.
What is the difference between an Essex Man and an Essex Woman ?
An Essex Woman has a higher sperm count.
What do you call a group of Essex Women ?
A sperm bank.
What does an Essex Woman do with her arsehole after sex ?
She takes him down the pub.
What is the difference between an Essex Woman and Gorbachov ?
President Gorbachov knows the names of the eight blokes that fucked him
What is the similarity between an Essex Woman and Gorbachov ?
They both get f*cked on holiday.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and Maggie Thatcher ?
No Essex Woman has ever been fucked by men in grey suits.
What's the difference between meeting an Essex Woman and a Club 18-30 Holiday on the Costa Del ?
There's only a 99% chance of sex on a Club 18-30 Holiday.
Why did the Essex Woman join an Escort service ?
She'd always wanted an XR3i
How do you know when an Essex Woman has been to a party ?
She's got a runny nose.
What's the difference between an Essex Woman and a Walrus ?
One is big, fat, ugly with a moustache and smells of fish. The other is a Walrus.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a plate of spaghetti ?
The spaghetti moves when you eat it.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a fish & chip shop ?
You can't get crabs from a fish & chip shop.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a packet of Persil ?
Persil contains no bleach.
How do you offend an Essex Woman ?
Don't know.
What's an Essex Girls least favorite movie ?
It Happened One Night.
Tracey: Wayne, I wanna go to the pictures.
Wayne : Dick Tracy ?
Tracey: Only if you take me to the pictures afterwards.
Hear about the Essex Girl who thought Peter O'Toole was one of the Chippendales?
What's the difference between Essex Woman & the TSB ?
The TSB sometimes say 'No'.
What word isn't in an Essex Woman's vocabulary ?
No.
What's an Essex Woman's favorite meal ?
Meat & two veg.
How do you drown an Essex woman ?
Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.
What does an Essex Woman keep in her handbag ?
Her knickers.
What is the difference between an Essex Woman and the Happy Hooker ?
Essex Woman does it for free (and doesn't write about it afterwards).
Essex Man: If I'd known you were a virgin I'd've taken more time.
Essex Woman: If I'd known you 'ad more time I'd've taken me tights off.
Why does an Essex Woman ask her boyfriend to shut his eyes during oral sex ?
So he can't see her roots.
Why is an Essex Woman like a long-distance hitch-hiker ?
They both go all the way.
Why does Essex Woman shave her pubic hair ?
She thinks designer stubble looks good on a man's face.
How does an Essex Woman perform a pregnancy test ?
'Ave you come, Kev ?
What's an Essex Woman's favorite invitation ?
'Would you like to spend the weekend on my boat'
What's an Essex Girl's mating cry ?
God I'm pissed!
Why does Essex Woman smoke ?
To make her mouth smell like an ashtray.
What have Essex Women got in common with Dagenham men ?
Both spend a lot of their time in Fords.
Why is an Essex Woman like a vampire ?
Both go for your neck at night
(but a vampire is put off by the smell of garlic)
Mersey woman killed herself jumping off the Liver Bird.
It took firemen a week to wipe her off the pavement.
Essex woman killed herself jumping off Basildon Shopping Centre.
She landed on a bollard. It took firemen a week to wipe the smile off her face.
Why aren't there human sacrifices in Essex any more ?
Have you ever tried finding a virgin in Essex???!
What does Essex Woman do if someone says 'there's a mouse in the room' ?
Checks her highlights.
What time does an Essex Girl get to work ?
About an hour after she gets home.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a Kit Kat ?
You only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat.
Interviewer : What do YOU think of Helmut Kohl ?
Essex Woman : I prefer Rimmel.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a Creme Egg ?
It costs 20p to lick out a Creme Egg.
What have Essex Woman and Oliver Twist got in common ?
Both asked a man for more.
What's the difference between Oliver Twist and Essex Woman ?
Oliver eventually found out who his father was.
Why don't Essex Women wear knickers when speeding round the M25 ?
They like to be picked up by the fuzz.
Essex Girl is filling in a questionnaire. At the box marked 'Sex M/F' she puts 'Often'.
What did the taxi driver say to the Essex Girl who offered him sex instead of money ?
Have you got something smaller luv?
Warren : Cor, I couldn't arf giver 'er one!
Tracey (overhearing): What d'you mean, ONE?
Why did the Essex Girl go into the DIY shop ?
She'd heard they had assorted screws.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and the Queen ?
Only one stranger has been in the Queen's bedroom.
How does an Essex Girl relieve stress ?
Changes hands.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and John Major ?
Essex Woman has more qualifications.
Barman : How old are you, luv ?
Stacey : Seventeen.
Barman : You've had it then, luv.
Stacey : I know, that's why I'm firsty.
Why does an Essex Girl always give head after sex ?
She likes to have her cock and eat it too.
Why is an Essex Girl like a dog turd ?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a computer ?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What's the similarity between a Cortina and an Essex Girl ?
They're not much to look at, fit four men in and are reliable goers.
Why did the Essex Woman douche with fluoride ?
She heard it reduced cavities.
Kevin : Drink makes you look really horny, Trace.
Tracey: But I 'aven't been drinkin, Kev.
Kevin : I 'ave though!
What's the difference between Essex Girl and a dose of the clap ?
You can get ride of a dose of the clap.
What is the mating call of the Essex Girl ?
Next
Why is an Essex Girl like a party political broadcast ?
Both are just clap-trap.
What does an Essex Girl have stitched on the front of her knickers ?
Please replace when you've finished.
Music Shop Customer: Excuse me, have you got 'Air on the G String?'
Essex Girl Assistant: Nah, I always shave me pubes.
What's the difference between Essex Girl and the Dartford Tunnel ?
The Dartford Tunnel has a tollbooth.
Pregnancy Counsellor: Is it a stable relationship?
Essex Girl : No, its a back of the Capri relationship.
What's the similarity between Essex Woman and an envelope ?
Both need a good licking before they shut up.
Why did Essex Woman take all her clothes off while on the phone ?
Cos her boyfriend said he'd visit her if had nothing on.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a bus ?
You have to wait for a bus to come before you jump on it.
How does an Essex Woman know if a bloke fancies her ?
He sticks one hand up her skirt to see if she's wearing knickers.
What's the difference between Santa and Essex Girl ?
Santa only comes once a year.
Tracey: Would you take an advantage of a girl who'd 'ad too much to drink?
Wayne : No, luv.
Tracey: That's it, I'm off.
What's the difference between Essex Girl and a meat pie ?
A meat pie doesn't squeek when you eat it.
What is the difference between Essex Woman and a gorilla ?
White stilettos.
How can you tell when an Essex Girl is having an orgasm ?
She lights up her chip and eats her cigarette.
What is the difference between Essex Girl's clitoris and a pub ?
Essex Boy can find the pub.
Sharon : Wayne, if I told you this was my first time, wot would you say?
Wayne : April Fools Day was last month Sharon.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and Rubiks Cube ?
You need both hands and more than 5 minutes to do a Rubik's Cube.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a dictionary ?
About 30,000 words
Essex Man : 'Allo, luv it's me.
Sharon : Who's that?
Essex Man : The guy that had you behind the pub last night.
Sharon : Was that the Rose & Crown, Red Lion or the Rising Sun?
What do you call an Essex Woman with an !Q of 30 ?
A genius.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a cow ?
You can only get your arms up to the elbow in a cow.
What's the difference between Essex Woman hitch-hiking and a Skoda ?
Both are fucked after 5 minutes on the road.
What's an Essex Girl's idea of good manners in a man ?
He tells her his name first.
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Christmas Present ?
You always get what you want from an Essex Girl.
What do you call an Essex Girl who screws ten men a day ?
An underachiever.
What's the difference between the Old Kent Road and an Essex Girl ?
Not everyone has been up the Old Kent Road.
Why do Essex Girls prefer men who sleep around?
They know their condoms won't be past their Best Before Date.
Music Shop Customer: Excuse me, have you got 'Air on the G String?'
Essex Girl Assistant: Must be the onions in me kebab last night.
Why did the Essex Girl take a Rottweiler to a party ?
The hostess told her to brink her own liquor.
Essex Couple Driving along one night:
Sharon : Don't you fancy me then ?
Trev : Yeh.
Sharon : Well 'ow come we 'aven't run out of petrol yet then?
What's the difference between Essex Woman and a Boeing 747 ?
Not everyone has been on a 747.
What's the similarity between Essex Girl and a Computer ?
You don't know how much you need them until they go down on you.
Why can't an Essex Girl get a bloke to eat ice cream from her pussy ?
Nobody can eat that much ice-cream.
Music Shop Customer: Excuse me, have you got 'Air on the G String?'
Essex Girl Assistant: Nah, it's caught in the zip of me jeans.
Tracey: I knew 'e loved me, Shaz, 'e said them 3 magic words.
Sharon: Wot, 'I Love You'?
Tracey: Nah, 'Get Into Bed'.
What has an IQ of 150 ?
Essex
What is the similarity between Essex Girl's legs and the Beatles ?
They haven't been together since the 1970s.
Why is Essex Man like a Panda ?
He eats shoots and leaves.
Sharon: Men are all the same, they're only after one thing.
Tracey: I know. Great isn't it.
What did the Essex Girl say when she discovered her diamonds weren't real ?
I've been raped.
Sharon : I've been going steady for 3 weeks now, Trace.
Tracey : 'Ow does it feel, Shaz?
Sharon : It's ruinin' me sex life.
Why do Essex Women where white shoes ?
So the dandruff doesn't show when she's got no knickers on.
What is the difference between an Essex blonde and a plane crash ?
Her black box is easier to find.
Essex Couple in bed:
Sharon : Are you sure you play centre forward for a football team ?
Kevin : Why ?
Sharon : You don't seem to be in much of a hurry to get into the penalty area.
What's the similarity between Gazza and an Essex Man ?
Both dribble before they shoot.
Why is an Essex Girl like a bottle of wine ?
They both need laying.
What is the difference between Essex Girl and a bottle of port ?
The port matures with age.
Why is an Essex Girl like a turtle ?
They're both fucked when they are on their backs.
What's an Essex Woman's idea of natural childbirth ?
No make-up.
Doctor : You should cut down on smoking, Tracey.
Tracey : But I only smoke after sex.
Doctor : 30 a day is still too many.
Why is an Essex Girl like a London sightseeing bus on a rainy day ?
Both are empty upstairs, but full up down below.
Why didn't the Essex Girl stop when the traffic cop waved at her ?
She didn't want him to think she was 'that kind of girl'
Essex Girl : That was fantastic Wayne.
Essex Boy : Who's Wayne?
Tracey : Now where 'ave I seen 'im before?
Sharon : Your bed?
Why doesn't Essex Woman use a pocket calculator?
She knows how many pockets she's got.
What's the difference between Essex Girl and herpes ?
Not everyone has herpes.
How does an Essex Woman attract men in a pub ?
'One more drink and I'm anybody's!'
(2 more and she's everybody's)
Tracey: Now Wayne, don't get the idea I jump into bed with every man I meet.
Wayne : No Trace, I know you - you do it anywhere.
Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they don't get mistaken for Essex girls.
Why is it useful to have an Essex Girl in your car ?
So you can park in the disabled spaces.
Why did Essex Woman put her seat belt on in Kev's Capri ?
She wanted to practice safe sex.
How does an Essex Girl play hard-to-get ?
She wears knickers.
What's the difference between Essex Girl and a Number 22 bus ?
You don't have to wait 20 minutes for a number 22 bus to come.
Tracey : Sharon, Wayne's been 2 timing me!
Sharon : Is that ALL he could manage?
How many Essex Girls does it take to change a lightbulb ?
What's a lightbulb ?
Why did the Essex Girl buy a medical dictionary ?
She was studying for her blood test.
How do you give an Essex Girl an orgasm ?
Who cares?!
How many surreal Essex Women does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A perm.
What do you call an Essex Girl with 2 GCSEs ?
Gifted.
Wayne : Cor, those ski-pants are tight, Trace - however d'you get into them ?
Tracey : Easy - buy me a Malibu.
Why does an Essex Woman wear tight skirts ?
To keep her legs together.
Wayne : Tracey, why are you sliding down the bannister ?
Tracey : Just warming up your dinner, Wayne.
What's the difference between Essex Woman and the Bermuda Triangle ?
The Bermuda Triangle doesn't give you its phone number after swallowing loads of seamen.
Why are Essex Men just like public toilets ?
They're sometimes vacant, sometimes engaged, but always full of shit.
How does Essex Girl like her eggs in the morning ?
Fertilized.
Essex Couple making love:
Tracey: Sorry Kev, what did you say - I must've nodded off.
How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
None, Essex Girls only screw in Cortinas.
What do you call a feminist Essex Girl ?
That's not funny!
What do you call a Surrey Girl between 2 Essex Girls ?
An interpreter.
Sharon : 'Ere Trev, why you got a double bed if you can only manage it once?
On an Essex Girl's Gravestone; At last she sleeps alone
Why is an Essex Girl like a carpet tile ?
First she gets laid, then she gets trodden on
What do you say to an Essex Girl who can suck a golfball through a garden hose ?
Marry me.
Wayne : I didn't know it was your period Tracey.
Tracey: It's not, I cut meself shavin'
Hear about the Essex Man who thought Muffin the Mule was a sexual variation ?
Yeah, wasn't he later nicked for Dobbin the Horse ?
Why does Essex Girl wear tampons?
Cos the crabs like to go bungey-diving.
How does Essex Girl get pregnant?
Wayne comes in her stiletto, the flies do the rest.
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Crop Circle?
A Crop Circle might JUST contain signs of intelligence.
What is an Essex Woman's last words?
I'm coming.
What do you call an intelligent Essex Girl?
A Golden Retriever. (hint - what colour hair do Essex Girls have?)
What's the worst thing about having sex with a virgin Essex Girl?
Putting the nappy back on afterwards.
What do you get if you cross a Gorilla with an Essex Girl?
Don't be stupid, a gorilla would never fuck an Essex Girl!
Sharon: Someone broke into me room last night an' took all me books.
Tracey: Shaz, that's awful, you must be real pissed off.
Sharon: I am Tray, I hadn't finished colourin' some of 'em.
Why is Essex Girl like the Zeebrugge ferry?
If they lie in the water with their flaps open you get lots of dead se(a)men floating out.