Craig's Computing Joke Page (2 of 2)

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

Top 10 reasons floppies are better than a woman:

You may have to format them before you use them, but hey, it's cheaper than buying them dinner.
You friends are always willing to give you one of their floppies they aren't using at the moment.
You can pick them up ten at a time.
They only remember what you want them to remember.
Drive as long as you want, they never tell you to stop for directions.
Foreplay consists of A:[enter]
If you get bored you can always use them as frisbies.
It's a lot easier to get rid of a virus you caught from a floppy.
Floppies don't need an instruction manual.
Floppies never ask FAT (Y/N)?

Microsoft Haiku Error Messages

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan:

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the
Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p...e...n...i....s"

His wife fell off her chair laughing when his computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Q : How many NG subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A : 1,332

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

28 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the ISPs complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this NG is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what type of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what kinds are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what this NG was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb (plus 2 to advise that the above breakdown does not equal the answer of 1,332 quoted above - and add apologetically that they could not resist checking).

A Guide to the Various Species of Newsgroup User

This is only a small part of what I have now discovered to be the original list, written by Sarah Hartwell and Bob McKellar. The original, complete, list can be found at http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/humor-site/newsgroup-users.htm

The Advertiser - The newsgroups are just a big noticeboard for advertising everything from spare parts for 1989 VW Polo through to "Girlfriend Needed!" He even posts to newsgroups which ban adverts and then posts a "whoops sorry wrong group" message. Doesn't contribute to a thread unless he can add "...and BTW, I have some of those that I'm trying to sell - anyone interested?" or "...I'm looking for a few of those, anyone care to sell?"
The Agony Auntie - Always the first to offer advice on relationship problems, technical problems, pop psychology and tropical fish breeding. Agony Auntie and Technical Advisor to the rest of the newsgroup whether they want it or not. Just wants to help people solve their own problems and always has a wealth of anecdotes, book-knowledge and - more rarely - actual experience to draw on. A basic pain-in-the-butt know-it-all.
The Charter Quoter - They are frustrated law enforcement officers (probably had their application for the police force rejected because of flat feet or bad eyesight) who try to make up for that real-life frustration by laying down the law on the newsgroup (where no-one can see their flat feet or their squint). They will quote the charter/acceptable usage policy (AUP) at every infraction, however minor e.g. missing full-stop at end of sentence, top-quoting vs. bottom-quoting, too much or too little whitespace between quote and reply. Whatever it is, they'll find a reason to quote you paragraph X, subsection Y, clause Z.
The Cross-Poster - The Cross-Poster is a subscriber to the grand unifying theory of everything and wants to involve as many newsgroups as possible on his chosen subject. Hence home computer users will find themselves debating cat-ownership with cookery enthusiasts, sci-fi fans and naval munitions experts with the messages cluttering up all of the newsgroups involved. Some Cross-posters are Trolls or Flamewar Starters; others just want to see how many newsgroups they can cross-link before folks get tired of it all - it's a big experiment in communications with minimal malice involved.
The Cuttings Service - Doesn't post own opinions - just news cuttings or humor or other articles he picked up elsewhere on the web. Thinks he is providing a valuable service to the group and doesn't notice that no-one responds to his postings. Not the same as the subscriber who posts a relevant cutting or URL in response to a request for information or as relevant information in an ongoing thread.
The Flame Thrower - It doesn't matter what the topic is, the flame thrower will find a reason to take issue with it. Often the Flame Thrower will have a grudge against another newsgroup participant and will post negative responses to everything the person posts, whether or not the Flame Thrower has a genuine opinion on the topic. The Flame Thrower is the newsgroup equivalent of a playground bully and often inhabits the killfiles of other newsgroup subscribers. Best ignored or killfiled as they don't actually notice that no-one takes any notice of them.
The Flamewar Starter - Insidious little beasts who spout marginally controversial views, graduating to more extreme comments as more and more people begin to take sides. Unlike the Flame Thrower, they don't like being ignored. Their ambition in life is to start a flamewar as great as the great "Pro/Anti-something-or-other debate" of 1997, which is still rumbling away on five or six separate newsgroups and spawned a host of Pro and Anti websites to boot. Often starts up by selectively quoting from other posts or from a recent news story. Then they sit back and watch the war begin, occasionally posting a little more flamewar fuel when the argument seems to be dying down. Sophisticated Flamewar Starters use anonymous remailers, crosspost to several groups and use subjects such as "Smoking Kills - Are Cats Lesbian?".
The Foaming Loon - Not to be confused with the amiable Looney, the Foaming Loon inhabits an alternate reality and is hence "differently clued" than the rest of us. Foaming Loons start with a bizarre theory and spout "facts" which have no basis in this reality then berate others for their ignorance. For other Foaming Loons, it (whatever "it" is) is a conspiracy or cover-up, but they know the truth. When it gets hard to tell the difference between a Troll and a Loon, remember this - the Loon actually believes what he is writing. If you see the call "Pass me the Number 3 Loon-Mallet" or "Here, borrow my Clue-Stick", you know there's a Loon on the loose...
The Knee-Jerk Reactionary - The Knee-Jerk Reactionary doesn't actually have time to properly read what other people write. He just sees certain keywords and starts flaming. Whatever your view, he can disagree with it violently, often for the sake of having something to fly off the handle about. His responses are so Pavlovian that others can elicit a knee-jerk reaction by using known keywords or topics e.g. capital punishment, sending anyone of a different color "back home" and "women should know their place and be grateful to be kept in it". It would greatly help the Knee-Jerk reactionary if people didn't post messages that can't be answered by knee-jerk reactions, and at no time should they post messages that contain humor without attaching a smiley.
The Looney - The true Looney uses newsgroups to have fun. His replies bear little relation to whatever he was replying to or even to real life. They are the newsgroup equivalent of sneezing powder - irritating but rarely malicious. Even he doesn't believe the content of what he is posting. A Looney may exhibit some sort of obsession. The answer to "What Pentium processor do I need" is "A Penguin!" to which other resident Looneys jump in with "ITYM crow!". Looneys may go through phases when they adopt an alternate persona.
The Me-Tooer - Define themselves by agreeing to postings. Whatever it is, they want a copy too, or it's happened to them. They are the yes-men of the newsgroup, agreeing enthusiastically with other people. Deprived of something to agree with, they simply lurk. They were probably the kids who were last to be picked for a team during games lessons and they just want to be liked.
The Old Grudge Holder - The Old Grudge Holder stores posts to use in evidence against people two years later or looks them up on Google Groups (Deja News) so he can score points off of them. Life on the newsgroup is one long grudge match for him. When a well-worn argument comes up, he sends transcripts of the post saying "Back in 1997, this is what you wrote to the group..." With his near-perfect recall of past exchanges, a skilled Old Grudge Holder waits for world events to overtake matters and reprints a 10-yo post saying "I bet you feel silly now!" He will bide his time - be it months or years - to prove someone wrong and will track them down across newsgroups to do so.
The Prolific Poster - This user often falls into one of the other categories - most usually a Prolific Looney or a Prolific Knee-Jerk Reactionary. Users are reminded that he is unable to take the time to fully understand the posts he reads due to the pressures imposed by his wish to be the most prolific poster each week. If he had to actually think about what he read and post a considered reply this would greatly increase the time he had to spend on each message, thus lowering his total. Each week he strives for a new personal best and aims to contribute as many postings single-handedly as everyone else's postings added together. Rather than present a considered response, he aims to batter his opponents into submission through sheer volume.
The Style Expert - Never contributes worthwhile material or comments, but will provide critique on other contributors' style. In real life they probably wear nylon shirts and beige trousers. In their not so humble opinions, they are the only ones who practice good style and they make no allowances for other people have other preferences.
The Troll - The Troll exists purely to post controversial items and then sit back and watch the fun. The more people who 'bite' the bait the better. A full-blown flame-war across multiple newsgroups is better. Unlike the Flamewar Starter, trolls rarely join in. They just like winding people up and seeing how many people swallow the bait hook, line and sinker. There's a saying on newsgroups: YAATAICM5P "You Are A Troll And I Claim My Five Pounds" to challenge someone who is obviously trolling the group. A good troll builds up to things. A good troll lurks to see what topics rattle people's cages.
The Acronymist - The Acronymists use excessive combinations of capital letters in their post. Some do it to save typing and because they think everybody knows what they mean. Others do it to impress others with their "inside knowledge". A few just make this crap up.
The Brat - The Brat has memorized one or two standard reference works in an area, but has no actual experience. The Brat is ike a person who has a collection of pornography but has never had sex. He uses a lot of foul language, although without flair or style, in an effort to be "military". The Brat believes the things he sees on "Wings" are true, and thinks "The Final Countdown" and "Up Periscope" [and "Pearl Harbor" and "U-571"] are documentaries. Brats are viewed as being about 14-yo, but some are much older.
The Expert - The Expert is actively working today as a professional with the subject of the current discussion. He shares many characteristics with the Guru, the Zealot and the Picky-Picky. However, he has the advantage of invoking the "classified" label whenever he starts to lose an argument. "Well, you're wrong, but I can't tell you the details because they're secret."
The Flamer - The Flamer has no accurate information to impart and is not even interested in the topics. He usually participates in a large number of often unrelated newsgroups, but his efforts are only directed to insulting other posters. The Flamer thinks that quoting 160 lines of previous posts and then adding "Bwahahabwaha..." and a 60 line sig is the pinnacle of wit and repartee.
The Guru - The Guru actually knows a lot of stuff over a fairly broad range of subjects, and may or may not have operational experience. The Guru's posts can be disputed, but cannot be dismissed. Do not argue with a Guru unless you have proper standing within the group. Silly flames directed toward a Guru will draw concentrated counter battery fire from the rest of the group. When provoked, the Guru can mimic the characteristics of other types.
Mr. Hypothetical - Mr. Hypothetical likes to create nonsensical combinations of nonexistent combatant units and set them upon each other. He can leap temporal, geographical and technological boundaries at a single bound, and considers the actual historical events of the past to be unworthy of his attention. Because his silly ideas are by definition untestable, Mr. Hypothetical never loses an argument.
The Illiterate - Some of us can't type. This is usually graciously overlooked by the group, and can be cured with the use of a speltcheker. For others, English is legitimately a foreign language. Their non-native grammar and syntax is also generally forgiven if the thoughts behind the post are worthwhile. Another group, unfortunately, is like totally dumb and just can't seem to put two ideas together without using words like "awesome" and "cool" and then they just go on and on and throw in dirty words as a substitute for vocabulary and they really don't seem to know how to construct a readable sentence and particularly don't realize that the sentence was over with long ago and really should be put out of its misery even though their poor writing does seem to distract attention from the fact that they also are incapable of producing a single simple rational thought.
The Loon - The Loon is like the Zealot, but even less compromising and much more entertaining. He begins with a bizarre conclusion, usually some conspiracy story, and follows up with "evidence" which has no relevance to reality. Foolishly, the Gurus and Experts try to point out the gaping holes in the story, using technical details and the laws of physics. This of course only encourages the Loon, who is not burdened with any knowledge of the subject at hand. He simply modifies the facts to fit his theory.
The Newbie - Newbies come in several varieties. Some have relevant real world credentials, but have no concept of the technicalities of operating a news reader. This is forgivable and correctable. Others display their relative ignorance in our little world, but they ask polite and specific questions. This is understandable and laudable, and rarely draws flames. A small number ask stupid questions, then perversely refuse to pay attention to the answers. They then become offended when their little butts get a well deserved flaming. Newbies have a half life of about two weeks, then they transition to another type.
The Old Timer - The Old Timer knows that the only truly important aspect of military history is what happened to his unit during the months he was there, whenever that was. If he is a member of that exclusive group of "Them What Has Been Shot At", he is doubly sure of his place in history. He is triply sure that today's soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines are a bunch of whining wimps. It's fun watching today's wimps try to argue with the Old Timer, while they simultaneously honor his service in the past.
Picky-Picky - Picky-Picky thinks the rest of us are vitally interested in the fact that the Mark 5 Mod 14 version of the Block 22 had a framjammitz that was twelve millimeters longer than the Mark 13, at least during leap year at high tide. This is normally not a problem, unless there is another Picky-Picky in the group who will quote the low tide value of 11 millimeters and begin an excruciatingly boring back and forth discussion of the parameters involved. Picky-Pickys like to use terms such as "parameter", which is an old Scottish word meaning "lacking a life".
The Smartass - I don't know anybody like that.
The Zealot - The Zealot ferociously defends his own country, warfare specialty, community, gender, political party or ethnic group from the combined attacks of the entire rest of the world. The Zealot has no doubts about his righteous knowledge, and tends to flame anyone who questions the slightest element of his rant. Lacking both the capacity to compromise and the slightest sense of humor, he contributes noise and consumes bandwidth without providing any useful information.