WHAT IF MICROSOFT MADE CATS?
MS stands for Moggy-Soft (UK version) or Meow-Soft (US version). PC stands for PussyCat, the
standard platform on which the Moggy-Soft operating system is installed. It will also run on a
Laptop PC. There is no Command Line interface since MS-Cats do not take commands; they process
suggestions using fluffy logic.
MS-Cats come with a single user licence. If you want a family cat you must purchase CatNT,
the multi-user version.
Each MS-Cat package is totally unique and cannot be transferred from one PC to another. Should
you transfer your PC to another user, you must transfer it with the MS-Cat software preinstalled.
Under the MS-Cat purchase deal, you may opt to purchase a MS-Kitten (the cut-down version of
MS-Cat). However, MS-Kitten is a developing application and as more and more patches are installed
it will eventually inflate to the size of MS-Cat. It is recommended that you buy MS-Cat as the bugs and
quirks will already be known (although there is nothing to stop new ones from developing due to the
complex and subtle interaction of the various MS software options).
Every time you upgrade to a new MS-Cat, it looks and feels the same but acts totally differently.
If MS-Cat or MS-Kitten requires a software upgrade it will spontaneous download the appropriate
items with minimal user intervention. Note: Due to the application of fluffy logic, some patches
may adversely affect performance and require tailoring by the user.
BUNDLED ITEMS
CLAWS is a standard feature which comes bundled with MS-Cat. There is
currently no option to buy MS-Cat without this item. CLAWS is pre-installed
and it is up to the user must uninstall it at additional cost.. Note: In
countries such as the United Kingdom, CLAWS may not be legally uninstalled
except where it is causing severe system degradation as opposed to mere user
inconvenience.
DIS-ORGANISER. The standard MS Dis-Organiser will ensure that you cannot
find small items such as keys, wristwatches or jewellery and that you
encounter other items (dead mice, poopies, pukies) at the most inconvenient
times. It will help you to miss some engagements completely and to turn up
late for others.
POWER-SAVE. MS-Cat will periodically enter Power-Save mode to conserve
system resources. Power-Save mode may be spontaneously engaged either when
the system has been idle for some time or in response to a period of high
activity. Do not be alarmed if MS-Cat invokes Power-Save in the middle of
an intensive activity operation. This is a perfectly normal although mildly
irritating response to resource drain. The system will Re-Boot when it is
ready and not before!
BOOT/RE-BOOT. Installed, but only available to specialist engineers! You
must not attempt to Boot your MS-Cat; this is done at system initialisation
before it leaves the factory. Your MS-Cat operating system will
automatically put the host PC or Laptop into Power-Save mode and cause it to
Reboot itself periodically throughout the day and night If your MS-Cat
suffers erratic performance or fails to boot fully, consult a veterinarian
or similarly qualified specialist to Reboot your MS-Cat for you.
SELF-SHUTDOWN. All MS products are designed with built-in obsolescence.
Due to a unique "randomising" factor, only the MS-Cat knows this date. It
is not user accessible unless you have cause to prematurely close the unit
down due to a terminal fault. Self-shutdown is normally preceded by gradual
and noticeable operating system degradation. Once closed down in this way,
any MS-Cat stored data cannot be salvaged. The self-shutdown program cannot
be uninstalled.
SYSTEM THRASHING WARNING SIGNAL. Conveniently located at the aft end of
the cat above the waste outlet valve. Be careful of tail thrashing!
Ignoring this warning signal may result in damage to the operator.
PURRIFURRALS. A number of purrifurrals are supported by MS-Cat e.g.
scrunchy wad of paper, catnip mousie, jingly ball. Others may be added at
the owner's discretion. Note: some proprietary add-ons will fail to
install. This is perfectly normal. Despite 100% compatibility with the
MS-Cat operating system, a random error generator ensures that each is
unique in the number and range of supported third party add-on hardware.
Use of purrifurrals will enhance operator enjoyment of the system, but may
temporarily deplete system resources resulting in sudden activation of
Power-Save mode. MS-Cat reserves the right to ignore selected purrifurrals,
either temporarily or permanently, for no particular reason. When this
occurs, replace the purrifurral with something newer and flashier.
WHAT IF MICROSOFT MADE DOGS?
MS stands for Mongrel-Soft (UK version) or Mutt-Soft (US version).
PC stands for PuppyCanine, the standard platform on which the Mongrel-Soft/Mutt-Soft
operating system is installed.
It will also run on a Laptop PC ("Toy Terrier" brand), Mainframe ("Great Dane" configuration)
or Network ("Beo-Wolf" Pack - requires DogNT, see below)
There is a limited Command Line interface; MS-Dogs will obediently and mindlessly follow commands
if the correct command line interpreter is installed. If not installed, some or all commands will
be met with the Blank Stare of Dog (BSOD). MS-Dogs come with a single user licence. If you want a
family dog or wish to run a network of several MS-Dog compatible platforms, you must purchase
DogNT, the multi-user version.
Each MS-Dog package is totally unique and cannot be transferred from one PC to another. Should
you transfer your PC, Mainframe or Network to another user, you must transfer it with the MS-Dog
software preinstalled.
Under the MS-Dog purchase deal, you may opt to purchase a MS-Puppy (the cut-down version of MS-Dog).
However, MS-Puppy is a developing application and as more and more patches are installed it will
eventually inflate to the size of MS-Dog. It is recommended that you buy MS-Dog as the bugs and quirks
will already be known (although there is nothing to stop new ones from developing due to the complex
and subtle interaction of the various MS software options).
Every time you upgrade to a new MS-Dog, it looks and feels the same but acts totally differently.
If MS-Dog or MS-Puppy requires a software upgrade it will spontaneously download the appropriate
items with minimal user intervention. Note: Due to the BSOD feature when confronted with a new
command, some patches may adversely affect performance and require tailoring by the user.
Note: Anti-Trust Laws require that we point out that Whinux may be used as an alternative
operating system on MS-Dog compatible platforms.
BUNDLED ITEMS
CHEW is a standard feature which comes bundled with MS-Dog. There is
currently no option to buy MS-Dog without this item. CHEW is pre-installed
and may not be legally uninstalled except in ageing models where it is
causing severe system degradation as opposed to mere user inconvenience.
CHEW is a teething problem with MS-Puppy which is sometimes found as a
persistent bug in older models of MS-Dog. Provide a suitable peripheral
such as CHEW-Toy which launches automatically during system idle. Configure
the system to launch CHEW mode only when CHEW-Toy is attached.
DIS-ORGANISER. The standard MS-Dog Dis-Organiser will ensure that you cannot
find items such as house slipper (left foot only), plaid dog-blanket, throw
cushion or leash. You will encounter other items (retrieved stick,
decomposing item retrieved for compost heap) at the most inconvenient times.
Missing items will be dis-Organised into locations such as "under the bed"
or "buried in flower border". The MS-Dog dis-Organiser function will help
you to miss some engagements completely and to turn up late for others.
POWER-SAVE. MS-Dog will periodically enter Power-Save mode to conserve
system resources. Power-Save mode may be spontaneously engaged either when
the system has been idle for some time or following a period of intensive
activity. Never attempt to "wake up" system using the "Rolled Newspaper"
hack! Although this will generally wake up the system in the short term, it
will result in long-term operational problems. The system will Re-Boot when
it is ready and not before! Note: In some models it is difficult to
distinguish between Blank Stare of Dog (BSOD) and Power Save; try to attract
MS-Dog attention using the "Alt-Control-Walkies" command.
BOOT/RE-BOOT. Installed, but only available to specialist engineers! You
must not attempt to Boot your MS-Dog; this is done at system initialisation
before it leaves the factory. Your MS-Dog operating system will
automatically put the host system into Power-Save mode and cause it to
Reboot itself periodically throughout the day and night. Never attempt to
Reboot using the "Rolled Newspaper" hack, this will "wake up" the system in
the short term, but will result in long-term problems. If your MS-Dog
suffers erratic performance or fails to boot fully, consult a veterinarian
or similarly qualified specialist to Reboot your MS-Dog for you.
SELF-SHUTDOWN. All MS products are designed with built-in obsolescence. Due
to a unique "randomising" factor, only the MS-Dog knows this date. It is not
user accessible unless you have cause to prematurely close the unit down due
to a terminal fault. Self-shutdown is normally preceded by gradual and
noticeable operating system degradation. Once closed down in this way, any
MS-Dog stored data cannot be salvaged. The self-shutdown program cannot be
uninstalled.
SYSTEM THRASHING SIGNAL (WAG FUNCTION). Conveniently located at the aft end
of the dog above the waste outlet valve. Be careful of tail thrashing!
Ignoring this warning signal may result in damage to nearby small objects on
tables and severe bruising to the operator's lower leg. Excessive wagging
is normal in correctly operated systems. Some MS-Dog platforms have the
wagging attachment removed at system initiation; this prevents undue damage
to the warning indicator while operating in the field and handily eliminates
bruising of operator's lower leg.
WHINE-DOZE. During "snooze" mode, MS-Dog activates a Reduced Instruction
Set Command interface called Whine-Doze. Whine-Doze periodically tests
MS-Dog functions for presence and functionality (self-diagnostics) e.g.
limited Wag-and-Paw-Twitch. Many older MS-Dog systems spend a high
proportion of time in Whine-Doze, ignoring all operator stimuli. This is
perfectly normal.
Message from the IT Help Desk
Original Letter.
Dear IT Support,
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2
which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse,
Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as
Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of
Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1,
which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to
shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run
Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that
when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my
hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance' 1.0 only to discover
that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which
I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my
available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse
2000. Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife1.0 can
be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They
then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also
has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without
warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no
helpfiles and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express
which needs tobe reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns
unwelcome child processing that also drains my resources. It also
conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are
an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme
it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather
annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently
I've attempted to try Mistress 2001, but there could be problems: a friend
has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress
2001 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Please can you help me.
Joe.
The Reply.
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife
1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "utilities & entertainment"
program. Wife1.0 is an operating system and designed by its creator to run
everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 1.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 1.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing would be gained.
It is impossible for you to un-install, delete, or purge the program files
from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife1.0 is not designed to do this. Mistress 2001 is a possibility
but your friend is right about the effect this has on your MS Money files.
The temptation after that is to install Girlfriend 1.3 or Wife 2.0 but end
up with more problems than the original system - (look in your manual under
"warnings - alimony/child support"). I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults
(GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for every fault and problem that
might occur, regardless of its cause. The best course of action will be to
enter the command c:\apologise. In any case, avoid excessive use of the
"esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the apologise command
before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run
smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a
great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional
software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1
and Chocolates 5.0, but do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary
With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and
is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
IT Help Desk.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
I'll have a C monkey please. The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at
the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash,
handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went
over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did
it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast,
tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the
shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a
cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to
the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What
on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but
the other monkeys call him the project manager.
IF BEER WAS LIKE OPERATING SYSTEMS...
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and that you read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
an 8oz can, but now comes in a 16oz can. The can is divided into
eight compartments of 2oz each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it's no longer available.
Macintosh Beer
At first came only in a 16oz can, but now comes in a 32oz can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16oz can that looks a lot
like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims
that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in
reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode
when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that the cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up. You never see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
Only just out, Windows 95 Beer looks a lot like Mac Beer but tastes
more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32oz cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16oz of beer in them. Most people will
probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try
Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you
look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come
in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an
entirely new brand.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in a 32oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators.
The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises
to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
UNIX Beer
This very heavy beer comes in 32oz cans, and has been around for
years, rumour has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a
couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people
actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or
eccentric academics, often with beards; and drinkers of it do not
like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look
particularly impressive, but with the addition of a magic ingredient
named "X", it can be converted into an all-singing all-dancing beer
on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge
range of flavours and (often unpronounceable) ingredients. It must
be stressed, however, that even then it is strictly an acquired taste.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system, which
will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennial Year
Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all
employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We
have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one
person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after
MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I
walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that
he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may
be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm
a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her
through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were
able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be
required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all
information associated with the business. As you begin using the
program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace
for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick
this in MYASS."
It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can
respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
There is a new virus going around, called "work".
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or
simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our hangar for months and those who have
been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their
social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all,
then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...
I'm off to the pub". The "work" should automatically be deleted from your
brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the "work" to your bin. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar
with two friends and order three bottles of beer After repeating this action
14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to
you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have
anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already
corrupted your life.
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.
They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane
coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same.
Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need
to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding,
and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft
within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes,
ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the
ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat,
four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.
Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without
a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the
great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
Three beggars are standing in a London street. The first beggar writes "BEG" on his cup and by the end
of the day has £10. The second labels his cup "BEG.COM", by the end of the day he has received thousands
of pounds and is advised to float on the Nasdaq exchange. The third writes "eBEG" on his cup, whereupon,
IBM immediately send vice-presidents to speak with him about a strategic alliance, Cisco announces that
virtually all "eBEG" traffic runs over its routers and Bill Gates appears on the BBC proclaiming that
"eBEG" "uses 95% Windows 2000 technology."
Congratulations! You have reached stage 3 in the well documented HUMORIX study "The Evolution of a Linux
user". During the past year, the scientists in Humorix's Vast Research Lab Of Doom have studied the behavior
and attitude of the typical Windows and Linux user. They have found that the average Linux user goes through
ten stages of development from a "Microserf" to an "Enlightened Linux User".
The 10 stages of evolution are summarized below. Note, however, that this life cycle is not universal. Many
pundits, Microsoft stock holders, and PHBs never advance beyond Stage 0 ("Microserf"). Moreover, many extreme
Slashdot addicts are stuck between Stages 6 and 7 ("Linux Zealot") and never evolve to Stage 9 ("Enlightened
Linux User"). And, unfortunately, far too many people are unable to leave Stage 8 ("Back to Reality") and achieve
Geek Self-Actualization due to problems outside of their control.
STAGE 0. MICROSERF
You are the number one member of the Bill Gates fan club. Your life revolves around x86 computers running
the latest version of Microsoft solutions: Windows, Office, Internet Explorer, Visual Basic, and even Bob. You
have nothing but hate for those eccentric Mac weenies with their click-n-drool interfaces and those stone-age
Unix oldtimers with their archaic command lines.
You frequently send angry letters to your elected representative about Microsoft's "freedom to innovative".
You think lawyers are evil (unless they are defending innovative companies like Microsoft). You own an autographed
copy of a book that was ghostwritten by Bill Gates. Your blood boils when somebody forwards you a so-called
Microsoft "joke" by email.
In short, you are a Microserf.
STAGE 1. FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, DOUBT... ABOUT MICROSOFT
Your world-view begins to sour as you encounter a growing number of annoyances with Microsoft products. The
number of Blue Screens increases, however you ascribe the problem (at first) to conflicts with poorly written
drivers that came with your peripherals. Icons keep jumping around the desktop unpredicatably. You spend 30 minutes
one day idly searching for an obscure configuration option in the Control Panel.
Slowly but surely, you begin to have doubts about the quality of Microsoft software. Then, the Microsoft
Network, to which you have dutifully subscribed since 1995, begins to double bill your credit card. You attempt
to rectify the problem, but are stymied by the burgeoning bureaucracy of Microsoft's Customer Support Department.
Fear sets in... will you get your money back?
Meanwhile, something called "Linux" appears on the fringe of your radar. You immediately dismiss the idea of a
viable and quality Microsoft alternative (Linux is Unix-based and therefore must suck, you conclude). Nevertheless,
you wish something could be done for some of the annoyances in Windows. But you do nothing about it.
STAGE 2. FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, DOUBT... ABOUT LINUX
You keep hearing about this Linux thing, and Open Source, and Apache, and FreeBSD as well. One of your
friends installs Linux and says, "It's cool, dude!" You discover that the selection of Windows books at your
local bookstore has remained constant while the Linux and Unix books are multiplying like rabbits. You argue,
"Well, this just means Linux sucks...if there was such a large demand for it, there wouldn't be many books on
shelves."
Nevertheless, as time wears on and Windows becomes more fragile, the temptation to give Linux a try becomes
more and more irresistable. While at your local SuperMegaOfficeSupplyStore, you pick up a boxed version of Red
Hat on impulse.
With much hubris, you completely ignore the documentation and attempt to install the OS by the seat of your
pants. The installation is a failure; Linux simply cannot work with the WinModem, WinSoundCard, WinIDEController,
WinPrinter, WinMonitor, and WinDRAM that came with your "Windows 98 Ready" machine from CompUSSR. You don't
realize this however, since you didn't read the FAQs and HOWTOs. You immediately blame the problems on Linux
and give up. You ditch your Red Hat copy by selling it on eBay.
After the installation fiasco, you leave fearful, uncertain, and doubtful about this "alternative" operating
system. Windows may have its problems, but Microsoft will fix them in the next upgrade, you reckon.
STAGE 3. BORN-AGAIN MICROSERF
"Linux sucks" is your new attitude towards life. Windows, all things considered, ain't so bad. You resolve to
become a better Microsoft customer by participating in the Microsoft Developer Network and the Site Builder
Network. You buy a bunch of "study guides" to pass the MCSE examination.
You launch a Windows advocacy site on some dinky free webpage provider, utilizing the latest innovations in
VBScript, ActiveX, and other IE-specific features. Instead of lurking, you now actively participate in Linux
and Macintosh bashing on various Usenet groups. Upon discovering Slashdot for the first time, you assume the
role of the Bastard Anonymous Coward From Hell by posting countless flamebait posts about how cool Microsoft
is and how much "Linsux" (as you call it) is a crappy OS.
You proudly wear an "All Hail Chairman Bill" T-shirt and display numerous pro-Microsoft bumper stickers
("Honk if you hate anti-trust laws") on your car. You never leave home without your Windows CE-based palmtop
computer. You make a pilgrimage to Redmond to marvel at the glory that is the Microsoft Campus.
STAGE 4. DISGRUNTLED USER
Your Microserf ways come to an abrupt end when everything goes wrong. You lose a vital work-related document
to a Windows crash. You lose your job as an indirect result. You find that applying for jobs is difficult...
everyone wants your resume in the latest version of Word, but you have an older version that has an incompatible
file format.
You waste more and more time tinkering with Windows and other Microsoft programs to keep them in working order.
You encounter serious problems with Windows, but your calls to technical support only yield the dreaded response,
"re-install the OS".
After much grief you finally land another job at a software company, only to find out a month later that
Microsoft has announced a competing product to be "integrated" with the next version of Windows. You soon lose
your job.
You can't take it much longer. You are now an official Disgruntled User, and are ready for a way to escape
from the depths of Microsoft Hell. You are ready for anything at all... even a primitive, archaic, hard-to-install,
grief-laden alternative like Linux.
STAGE 5. A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
You resolve to install Linux now, for real. Your friends say "It's about time", and tell you to RTFM this
time. After losing yourself in the documentation for several days, you figure out why your previous encounter
with Linux was a disaster: you need real hardware, not WinCrap.
With a new computer at your desk, and a Red Hat CD-ROM in hand, you embark on a voyage of discovery to the
land of Linux. Your life is changed forever; words cannot describe the rush you feel when you first log in as
"root" after the successful installation. You stare blankly at the screen in awe; you are unable to utter a
word, unable to think of anything else except "HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO DAMN COOL!!!!"
You spend hours, and then days, exploring the depths of the Linux system: a filesystem layout that actually
makes sense (no "My Documents" crap), a command line so powerful it makes MS-DOS look like the Stone Age
technology that it is... and best of all, no Blue Screen!
"Why have I wasted my life with Microsoft? I'm never going back!" you exclaim wildly. You have thrown off the
yoke of Redmond Oppression.
STAGE 6. LINUX CONVERT
You still keep a copy of Windows around, but you find yourself booting into Linux more and more. The meager
amount of diskspace you set aside for your first Linux install dwindles; you decide to buy a second hard drive
exclusively for Linux.
You re-install everything, including the kitchen sink (Emacs). Once you finally get PPP working (it was a nasty
challenge, but you're so enamored with Linux that you hardly notice), you go on a Freshmeat Binge: downloading
and installing every piece of Free Software you come across.
STAGE 7. LINUX ZEALOT
Your enthusiasm for Linux is unbounded. You do anything and everything to advocate Linux and spite your old
master, Microsoft. Usenet, Slashdot, and LinuxToday are your hangouts. You have a strong opinion about the GNU
GPL and you're not afraid to share it.
Linux World Domination is your new life's ambition; you put career, wealth, and dating on the back burner.
You participate in flamefests against those braindead Windows lusers (stuck in Stage 3) that inhabit Usenet and
ZDNet. You purchase all kinds of tacky made-in-Taiwan Linux merchandise (T-shirt, mouse pads, stuffed penguins,
etc.) to show your support.
You rearrange books in a bookstore so that the Linux tomes are displayed more prominently. You get in trouble
with your boss because you spend all your time surfing Slashdot at work. You petition your local government to
migrate their computer systems to free software. You move to another residence just so you can say you live on
Apache Street.
Instead of a novel, you read the Linux kernel source for pleasure. You establish your own regional Linux User
Group in the hope that you can invite a guest speaker in the future and get their autograph. You learn Perl with
the goal of automating common tasks, but you spend more time tinkering with "just one more perl script" than
actually getting stuff done.
STAGE 8. BACK TO REALITY
Your zealotry subsides as you are forced to re-enter the Real World. Your boss demands that you submit
documents in the latest Word format, nothing else will do. Some of your favorite websites become harder to
use because they keep incorporating features enhanced for Windows and IE. The new peripherals you bought from
BigEvilProprietaryCo don't work with Linux and probably never will.
Your ISP is acquired by another company, a very Microsoft-friendly company, to be exact. They "upgrade"
the system; however, the only change you can notice is that Linux and PPP no longer work without extensive
hacking. Then, citing "customer-driven demand", your ISP makes more "enhancements", and Linux no longer works
at all. Calling their tech support is an exercise in futility, they simply say, "Linux? What is that? Whatever
it is we don't support it, and never will. Go use Windows like everybody else."
Reality sets in: you are forced to use Windows more and more. Your blood pressure rises, you have more
headaches, you waste hours and hours due to Windows "issues", but you have no choice.
STAGE 9. ENLIGHTENED LINUX USER
Then you have an inspiration: you do have a choice, you can hack your own drivers for your hardware, you can
find another ISP, you can get another job. Everything comes into focus, you have become a Linux Guru.
You kludge together drivers for your "Windows-compatible" hardware. You finally (after much searching) locate
a local ISP that's actually run by competent geeks, not MCSEs and PHBs. You find a new, better job at a
Linux-friendly company.
In your spare time, you work on various Open Source projects. You build up a reputation and receive "The
Letter" to participate in the IPO of a Linux business. You join the bandwagon and create your own Linux portal
website.
You're at the pinnacle of evolution for a Linux user. With much joy, you become 100% Microsoft free. You
ditch your Windows partition and burn all of the Windows disks and manuals that you own.
Windaz Too Thoosand
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise
known as Windaz Too Thoosand, may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle. If you have one of the
Newcastle editions,you may need some help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if you
have a copy of Windaz 2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale. Also note: The recycle bin is
labelled " Sh*te " Dialup network is called "Me mates" Control Panel is known as "How we fook aboot wi the settins"
The hard drive is referred to as "Big disk wi aall me stuff on it"
Other features to note:
Ok - Alreet
Cancel - Fook that
Yes - Aye
No - Nee fookin chance
Goto - Owa there
Help - Ah cannit dee it
Personal folder/My Documents - Me sh*te
Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks. Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000:
Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin book - a graphics package
Addin masheen - a calculator
Dole 2000 - accounting software
P o r n - Internet Explorer
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the
helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly
responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined
the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped
determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they
gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
What's the difference between Windows 98 and the Titanic?
The Titanic only crashed once
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed
them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design
an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple
program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow
white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial
timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected
from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next
week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking.
He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see
before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they
will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and
make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future,
we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of
breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process
should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage,
links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scramble eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various
omelet classes."
"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the
pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple
inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says,
'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different
meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to
cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically,
we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold
while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness
knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the
breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message
'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.)
Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to
pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard
disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports
multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we
would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit
microcontroller!)."
The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.
A man is having trouble with his computer system.
Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble.
However, there apparently are conflicts between these two systems, with the only solution being to try and run
Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.0 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his
system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1
as well as Girlfriend 1.0, only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage
to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover to his dismay that this
system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse
2000. But imagine my friend's disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain
- any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard drive and cannot be deleted; they then resurface
months later. Wife 1.0 has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and automatically runs
PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip.No option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.
The system footprint needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments. Hairstyle
Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to
try, stating they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a
rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress
2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all
MS Money files before un-installing itself.
A New Computer
Congratulations. You have purchased an AnthraxI2000 Multimedia 615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah
Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your
PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software - Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. ArtyFarty, Blank Screen Saver, and
East Africa Route Finder - which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your computer's
spare memory. So turn the page and let's get started!
Getting ready: Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and are ready to proceed.
(Important meaningless note: the Anthrax/2000 is configured to use 80386, 214J10 or higher processors
running at 2,472 Hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies
before proceeding. Do not tumble dry.)
To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a
refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents.
(Warning: Do not open box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all
missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will
be dispatched to you within 12 working months.)
The contents of the box should include some of the following: -
Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button
Keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex
Computer unit
Miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model
2,000-page Owner's Manual
Short Guide to the Owner's Manual
Quick Guide to the Short Guide to the Owner's Manual
Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid
1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper
292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.
Something They Didn't Tell You In The Shop: Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed
bonus software, you will need an Anthrax/2000 auxiliary unit for the memory capacitator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes
of additional memory for the oscillator, and an electrical substation.
Setting Up: Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet acquired a degree in electrical
engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach
power off-load unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug three-pin mouse cable into
keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio! video
lineout jack. Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will then download. (Allow three to five days.) When
downloading is complete, your screen will say:'Yeah, what?'
Now it is time to install your software. Insert Disk A (marked 'Disk D' or 'Disk G') into Drive Slot B or
J, and type. 'Hello! Anybody home?' At the DOS command prompt, enter your Licence Verification Number. Your
Licence Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering
your Licence Verification Number. If you are unable to find your Licence Verification or Certified User numbers,
call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your Licence Verification and Certified User numbers
handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not yet committed suicide, then insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa)
and follow the instructions on tour screen. (Note: Owing to a software modification, some instructions will
appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file path, double click on the button launch
icon, select a single equation default file from the macro selection register, insert the VGA graphics card
in the rear aerofoil, and type 'C:\>' followed by the birthdates of all the people you have ever known.
Your screen will now say: 'Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?'
Selecting 'Continue' will result in irreversible file compression, permanent loss of memory and a default
overload in the hard drive. Selecting 'Abort' will require you to start again.
Obviously, select 'Continue'. When the smoke has cleared, insert disk A2 (marked 'Disk Al') and repeat as
directed with each of the 187 other disks. When installation is complete, return to file path, and type your
name, address and credit card numbers, and press 'Send'. This will automatically register you and allow us to
pass your name to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other commercial enterprises, which will be
getting in touch shortly. Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer.
Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start.
Writing a Letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with a name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself,
and then write, 'Sincerely yours', followed by your own name. Congratulations.
Saving a File: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose Retrieve from SubDirectory A, enter a backup file
number and place an insertion point beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from the merge
menu, and double click on the supplementary cleared documentary window. Assign the tile cascade to a merge file
and insert in a text equation box. Alternatively, write the letter out longhand and put it in a drawer.
Advice on Using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't.
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems with your computer. Here are some common problems
and their solutions.
Problem: My computer won't turn on. Solution: Check to make sure the computer is plugged in; check to make
sure the power button is in the 'On' position; check the cables for damage; dig up underground cables in your
garden to check for damage; drive out into the country and check pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys. Solution: Turn the keyboard up the right way.
Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on the spinning wheel. Solution: Try a high-protein diet or
call your pet shop support line.
Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk. Correct - and congratulations. You are now ready to
upgrade to an Anthrax/3000 Turbo model, or go back to pen and paper.
What Software Versions Really Mean
Once you start playing with software, you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision
code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but
in reality, there's substantially more information available through the rev. code than that. This provides a
guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had
reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll
find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that
specified in the marketing copy.
1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs.
1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.
2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer
needs yet, but we're working on it.
2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did
a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.
2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!
2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!
3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.
3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.
4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor.
4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest!
5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're
cutting the staffing after this.
6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at
this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we
could justify the major upgrade number.
6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted
to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since
I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they
wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as
long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody
has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no-one loses them
Virus warning
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is
pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will
mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. (For God's sake man are you listening?!?!) It
will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair
and your Nair with Regaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their
hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only
fun until someone los
es an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating
undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message
is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. **WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.** And if you don't send
this to 5000 people in 20 seconds the wind will change direction and you'll get stuck that way.