A blonde enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair
shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all
the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and
still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOWW ... You gotta roll up the windowwwws..."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch", he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No, I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ford".
A blonde pushes her Punto into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
A blonde girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the blonde notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an
R on it"
So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it
is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"Cor blimey", exclaims the blonde, "So thats why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."
An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger"
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second,
I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box."
A blonde walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my
dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to
his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the
girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the
same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he
hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says,
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a gritter!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the
redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She
quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her,
"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's fucking hundreds of them!"
An blonde Essex Girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground,
the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah fuckin' 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all"
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck
driver.
The truck driver motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk out from his pocket. He drew a
circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around again she had a slight
grin on her face.
"Oh you think that's funny.? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks
every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. She then starts laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas,
pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle.
Natural blonde Mary comes home from school and says, "Mummy, today at school we learned the alphabet,
I knew it all but the others didn't. Am I clever because I'm a blonde?
"Yes Mary," says mother.
Next day, Mary comes home from school. "Mummy, today we learned to count, the others managed fifty,
but I could count to 100. Am I clever because I'm a blonde?"
"Yes Mary," says mother.
Next day, Mary comes home from school. "Mummy, today at school we changed for swimming, none of the
other girls had breasts, but I've got these!"
Mary lifts her blouse, showing mummy her perfect 36D tits. "Have I got these because I'm a blonde??"
No Mary, you've got those because you're 25!
Two blonde Essex girls are out shopping for perfume, they walk up to the perfume counter in a
department store and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice isn't it Tracy?"
"Yeah what's it called?" Tracy asks.
"VIENS A MOI, whatever that fucking means" says Sharon.
At this point the assistant comes over and says helpfully, "VIENS A MOI means Come to me"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again and says, "That doesn't smell like come to me"
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little
bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures
the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Stephanie, the young blonde, came running through the door. "Uncle Rodney! Uncle Rodney! Guess what?"
"What?" The surprised uncle replied.
"I was getting a hundred dollars a week and the boss just doubled my salary!"
"Really?" Said Uncle Rodney. "That's great! What are you getting now?"
Stephanie beamed with pride and answered, "A hundred dollars every two weeks!"
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One
of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned
a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long
time. We're gonna build a house."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going
through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair
and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of
reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humour. "
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister.
I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around
the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a
neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and
yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the
dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and
yells "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says,
"In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans
out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down,
but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying grass across the street."
A brunette and a blonde are walking in the park one day. The brunette suddenly stops and says, "Aw look at
that dead bird."
The blonde looks up and says "Where?"
A blonde walks into a store. "Do you have any deodorant for my boyfriend?" she asks.
"Does he use the ball kind?" replies the clerk.
To which the blonde replies, "Err no......the kind for under his arms"
A blonde and a brunette were chatting away one day. The brunette happened to mention that her boyfriend had
a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head & Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively "So how do you give shoulders?"
A woman walks into the doctors office and says, "Doctor I hurt all over."
The doctor says, "That's impossible."
"No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch
my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts," she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blonde aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
This blonde called Brandy lost all her money and her business went down the drain. Every day for a week she
prayed to God asking him to just let her win the lottery. If she won she'd never ask again. She would do anything
God asked of her if she could just win enough to pay all her debts.
Lottery day came and she never one. Dejected she prayed to God asking why he hadn't answered her prayers,
she'd never asked for anything before.
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of
God himself...
"Brandy, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna
hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall,
210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs
220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a
current professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white
liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly,
"It looks like cum".
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it
smells like cum".
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and
exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building."